Thinks 180 May be Backfiring

[Greek]

Although, through some of these posts I haven't painted a very flattering picture of my husband - before we were married (I dont necessarily think these issues have anything to do with our marriage it just happened to be that a lot of the weight, stress, job changed happened right after we got married) he was a very loving, dotting, emotionally available man. We never had trust issues. We rarely fought. We compliment each other very well - he is more laid back, I am more structured. We liked to call ourselves a mullet (I'm the business, he's the party). He is truly my best friend. He makes me laugh! His good with children. I want to be married to him for the rest of my life. Part of it also probably has to do with the fact that we have been together since we were 18 and this is the only relationship I've ever had as an adult, not only that but I've never been single as an adult. Certainly, these aren't necessarily reasons I want to stay married but reason why I'm so scared!

Anne ~
I'm glad you came back. I thought you were going to ditch us.

It seems to me, based on what you have written, that your H no longer wants the business end of things in a R. He wants a party. And Anne - really - wouldn't you LOVE to be a party for a change??? You know, when I read your earlier posts, I thought so many times that the way you interact with him is very similar to how I've interacted with our teenage sons. You are so much like a mother to him. Makes sense about the sex life when you look at it that way.

Now let me see if I can guess what you're going to say next..."But if I don't take care of these things, HE WON'T. Someone HAS to do it." I have been there and it sucks, Anne. This will be you for the rest of your life, sister, if you don't drop the rope. And he will get away with doing nothing as long as you keep doing everything.

So what is the "everything" that you do? What part of that does he need to take responsibility for and partnership in? One of my things was the bill paying. I opened the bills, organized them, wrote the checks for them, managed the money (both his and mine) and yeah, worried ALONE about things b/c he was not involved in any part of it except licking the stamp at his office to send it. This stressed me, didn't seem fair that I had to do all that plus worry, and he got to lick the stamps. When I moved home and we started building our new M, one of the hardest things I HAD to do was drop the bills in his lap and tell him this was too much for me to do alone. I made him responsible for finding a way for us to share this responsibility...and he did. It took some adjustments on both of our parts but the BIGGEST obstacle was for me to LET GO. And once I did, I got what I needed.

That is just one example of how I've learned to not be his mother, but be a partner. You don't have to be the business end of the mullet, Anne - you can be a party, too. Life will be sweeter.

I get that you are scared. Be brave in the face of all you fear. Life is not a dress rehearsal.

Greek