My husband is addicted to an emotional affair

[lolawar]

Nicole- the biggest help for me is spending time out with friends or just talking to friends. Find ways to laugh!!! You can't be sad with a huge grin on your face. Or watch a funny movie. Anything to help you take your life less seriously right now.

There was a book that I read many years ago..before my H but after a 4 year relationship ended. It was called 'A Return to Love..." by Marianne Williamson...It is based on a Course in Miracles. I am not religious but for some reason books related to the Course helped me get over that relationship..and I still refer to them every now and then.

Now that spring is around the corner..how about starting to jog? Besides the physiological benefits..jogging always helped me clear my mind. Almost puts you in a trance. Create a great playlist and go. Or take a bike ride. You may feel like you have to force it at first...but after awhile you look forward to it.

[nicole8]

Lolawar-
Great advice. Thank you so much. I was reading about your sitch a few minutes ago and I really don't know how I would respond to the cell phone question... tough one. It sound like the MC/IC went well for you. That is great and I am sure it felt good to have someone listen to you and offer back advice and support.

I'm going to my first C session today for myself. I'm not sure what to expect really. I can talk and talk and talk about the situation, but I am hoping to hear some advice or ideas. Or maybe a little more understanding on what the depressed person thinks and feels.

I chose a male counselor in hopes that one day my H would be willing to work with a C, and I think he will have an easier time opening up and working with a male. Don't know if this is true, but I would love for him to at least try. At this point though, he seems pretty much happy doing his own thing vacationing over at his Mom's house and he doesn't have a problem....except that we are married. Lovely.

My H came home yesterday while I was at work. I used to always come home at lunch and he knows this. I don't know if he was there at lunch time, but he was at the house and left some of his odds and ends paperwork in the office that should be filed. So does he plan to still live at the house and that is why he is leaving his paperwork at our house? I have absolutely no clue, really don't think it means anything to tell you the truth.

I'm going to continue with no contact. However, it still seems a little wrong. Especially because the reason my H thinks we should divorce is because I don't talk about our relationship. On the other hand I think that is bs and he is just looking for blame and excuses to make me think it is true.

I do love bike riding and plan to begin on the weekends with my friend soon. Need some better weather first and then we will be off enjoying the outdoors.

[nicole8]

Yesterday my friend pointed out that she thinks she would rather be in my shoes than my husbands. She made the point that what the H is experiencing and going through has got to feel just horrible. His world (whatever planet he is on) has got to be messed up and not a fun place to be.

I thought about this and I think I actually agree. I would rather be in my shoes and it made me actually feel somewhat better.

[lolawar]

It does seem counterintuitive to not make contact..and I am not sure that it works in all situations...but I can tell you that my H is the one making contact the past few days. It feels good to not be the one pursuing. I want this to continue so I am not going to change what is working. I would stick with something long enough to see if it is actually making a difference. If it doesn't work, you can always change your approach. But definitely give it time.

[nicole8]

I think you are right lolawar.... However, I just had my first IC session. I'm not sure much was accomplished other than me doing alot of talking. I guess alot has happened the last 6 months or so, hence alot to talk about. The C suggested I contact my husband and ask my H how often we should talk. I don't really know what to think about this. I am pretty sure he is going to say NEVER....maybe not, just depends on what mood he is in that day. I think he will be more than likely annoyed with the question.

The C didn't deny that I could be correct about my husband being depressed or is going through some sort of personal crisis. He said it sounds like our marrige has been in limbo for awhile and won't change quickly. I knew this already. He also said that there is hope for our marriage to be saved. However, my husband thinks there is no marriage to save.

The C also said that it is going to take time for my husband to figure out what he needs to do to get help and all I can do is help him to facilitate that. He also said it might be nice if my MIL said he should be at home working on his marriage, unless he is at her house to work on a divorce.

I think that he IS at her house because he is working on a divorce in his mind....oh wait in reality he is still on his vacation at her house talking/seeing the OW.

I have an appointment next week and I really hope more can be accomplished than me just talking about our background and what has transpired. I am going to stay dark and see what transpires over the next few days. I think lolawar is right that I should give it time to see if it does work.

There seems to be a definite roller coaster with highs and lows with the H. I don't know what he will do or say next. So I should at least wait to see if he does more pursuing.

Expect the worst and hope for the best

[nicole8]

ok, weird. Haven't talked with my H since he called on Wednesday. He texted me really early this morning (Sunday) asking if "we were ever going to speak again". WTF? I didn't respond. He texted again 10 minutes later, "hello??". I again didn't respond. Finally two hours later he texted "are you awake". I finally responded and told him that we could speak again, and yes I was awake.

It really didn't go much further than that....he didn't call, or say much more in the few other texts we sent. About the only useful thing I got was that he maybe still wants to talk, although he didn't make much effort and he told me he isn't sleeping much.

I am still at a loss on what I should be doing. I have been doing my own thing and just going on with my life. He on the other hand is still at his Mom's house on vacation, as I call it. I am going to speak with a DB coach this week hopefully. I am VERY excited about this.

As much as I don't want to make excuses for my husband, I do feel like I am abandoning him to some extent. But on the other hand he is the one that went over to Mom's house.. yes, I do think he is depressed and I don't think I helped any. I do feel responsible for not recognizing how he felt and that he was withdrawing. But on the other hand I am a naturally pretty positive person and I just would try to cheer him up.

Ahhh, again I want this to be over. I am going to really try and make an effort to try and connect with him and validate how he is feeling. Hopefully my DB coach can help with ideas on how to do this. Because everything that seems right is wrong.

[rr22]

If you don't mind, please post what your DB coach has to say. I'm curious if the DB coach's advice will be different than your IC's. Good luck with the staying dim or dark.

[rr22]

Do not feel like you are abandoning your husband. Yes, he probably has depression but he is still capable of making correct choices to get help for himself if he decides to. It sounds like he has his mother and you tiptoing around him and his tantrums. If he comes out of this but never acknowledges this was at least in part a mood problem that could strike again and develops a plan for what he will do next time except self-medicate it with the adrenaline of an affair, you should seriously consider NOT taking him back. It will happen again. He needs not just to want reconciliation but to be willing to get a bit of self-knowledge and an action plan for his future mood and behavior control. You are willing to work on your own faults and behaviors, and so must he be. The relationship is made up not just of relationship problems, but also of two people's separate issues that must be worked on individually.

[awest1217]

rr22 is so right. You are not abandoning him. H does have a phone, if he wants to talk, he can call or text you and honestly have a conversation. He does not have to wait on you. It is good that you didn't answer his first text because he was baiting you into an argument. You handled it well and just contacted him when you were awake and ready to answer. You don't need to answer the "are we ever going to talk" because by you answering him and saying hello, it is showing him you want to talk without ever saying anything.

I know it is hard, but you really do need to wait until H is ready to get some help. Watch for him to open and look up some things he could try to help himself so when the moment is right, you can be prepared.

[nicole8]

I will be talking with my DB coach first thing tomorrow morning. I will post what he has to say. I am very curious what his thoughts will be on the situation as it is.