flowmom | need to commit to myself

[newmama]

SAHM= JOB of raising children which means no pay--it is a financial sacrifice in order to raise children.

Stay At Home Mom

[flowmom]

I'm not going to reply today or tomorrow. If he asks I'll say "thanks for your email. i'm thinking about what you've written"

[newmama]

ok...that sounds innocent enough. You have my blessings LOL!

[flowmom]

H brought up how "unsustainable" his schedule is again today. Like a dog on a bone with that one. I said "yes, I got your email"...then bit my tongue. I don't have to say every thought in my head. I've always been my own worst enemy with that...

[flowmom]

My children do not appear traumatized by going for a second night in a row to H's place, so I'm going to let go of my fears tonight.

GAL plans for tonight:

Italian dinner in the 'hood (we live in an Italian/Chinese-dominated neighbourhood) with a dear friend, then we'll catch a gentle yoga class afterwards. She is a wonderful friend...quite a bit older than me, with a giant heart and a lot of life experience, including raising a very challenging child who is now grown up. Friendship is precious.

[flowmom]

I do feel like I'm losing my children. They may be ready for this level of separation, but I guess I have to be honest with myself that I'm not.

[newmama]

Flow, yes, the thing that I know will cause me to harden my heart to WH is if we D, he will be TAKING MY SON from me. What I mean is that you and I expected we would have our children with us every day, right? Well, with any kind of custody (20-80, 40-60, 50-50 etc.) it means that is not the case. So I relate to what you are feeling. But short term sacrifice for hopefully long term gain (i.e. not getting divorced).

How was the Italian dinner? Did yoga help you feel better?

Great job biting your tongue! And did your H say anything else after you said "I got your email"?

[flowmom]

Flow, yes, the thing that I know will cause me to harden my heart to WH is if we D, he will be TAKING MY SON from me. What I mean is that you and I expected we would have our children with us every day, right?

Yes.

How was the Italian dinner?

It was really tasty. My appetite was actually better yesterday. It's hard to be with friends when I'm having trouble accessing parts of myself other than my woundedness though.

Did yoga help you feel better?

That was tough. It was "healing" yoga and it started out with a bunch of affirmations. I cried my way through statements "I am perfect just as I am". I'm too raw for stuff like that right now.

Great job biting your tongue! And did your H say anything else after you said "I got your email"?

He just briefly reiterated, but let it drop. The kids were around so it wasn't an appropriate time to talk anyway.

[flowmom]

I am the last person to tell you go on and confront him in a hostile way right now. BUT, I am talking about how you should be thinking IMO, not acting right now.

That's a very important distinction.

How you implement the course of actions you choose is another issue. First thing is to work on you and how you perceive your share of blame/responsibilities/share re the financial state. IMO, a lot of it comes from how you allowed him to make you feel.

I'm going to have to untangle all of that.

Another thing to keep in mind is you tip toed around your H's moods, sleep issues, complicated diet and what sounds like his every whim for a long time. You don't have to do that anymore.

Yes, but of course there is still a huge amount of interdependence in our family, and there will probably continue to be as long as we continue to make our children's needs a high priority. Doing that in a healthy way will take a lot of detaching, I guess.

[flowmom]

Life in your H's bubble may have brainwashed you into thinking more is possible than is and that more options exist than do or that the human body is capable of what it is not and now you go around beating yourself up over his unrealistic expectations that you have now internalized.

This is what I need to look at rr. Our MC kept harping on that we were "doing too much". I felt frustrated because I knew that but couldn't get H to communicate with me about problem-solving. Now I somehow need to clear the emotional slate of the past and open my eyes to my needs and my children's needs and figure out how to best meet them, with as few preconceptions as possible. No clue how to do that.

Who knows? I think you also need to be realistic about how "affirmed" H is ever going to feel about the money topic.

I have seen babysteps from expressing appreciation of H, I think. That is not going to make him OK with handing over his cash to me, but it's part of DBing right now.