I have always taken responsibility for my own feelings, and always very careful in my language when approaching things, and use "I" statements, as suggested, never blaming. I use a lot of "I understand if you/may be feeling/--I give a lot of benefit of the doubt and "perhapses" so that there's no convicting my spouse and allows room for the possibility that I am wrong.
Recently during a discussion that was heating up, I used an "I" statement to take the heat out of what was going on, and he burst out, "YOU FEEL, YOU FEEL, it's all about YOU!".
I was shocked and also felt it was very unfair. So it can backfire sometimes, no matter how conscientious you are Mettaphorica
