I'm a bit desperate on the ML issues, any advice would be helpful. I haven't been able to talk to my female IC/MC about this (too embarrassed~)
....The way she sees it, if I am attracted to her and am not wishing to be ML with a porn star, then I would want more sex. So, she feels that when we ML Friday night (before the session), that the moments of "softness" on my part showed that I wasn't able to get it going for her cause she's not attractive enough.
....For me, the protection was too tight for me to use and keep going, so I couldn't use it.
....- Until I began DB stuff, I thought she didn't like sex very much as it was hard for me to get her there. I've found out her love language is touch...
...So, basically, when we were trying to ML on Friday .... it is hard for me to stay hard if I'm there's an action gap. She interprets this as an attraction gap.
Questions...
-- Does anyone think she's right? Is going semi during sex unusual?
....-- If sexual touch is how she interprets my love for her, is this a no win?
-- We are beginning to work toward a point where I can end our D plans, but my softness led her to say she thinks we should separate.
...Should I tell her no more sex till D is off the table? That was the plan, and by our religion it is a requirement for D, but she has found it hard to not have sex. I'm too afraid to take it off the table until I know my love isn't a passing fad - one week of love is the most powerful and unexpected feeling I've ever had!
Any ideas or thoughts would be appreciated.
I do have a few ideas and wish you and your wife luck and renewed love. I am glad that you have found romantic love for your wife. That is wonderful and the two of you should celibrate that by doing something together you both enjoy.
First, count your blessings, you have a wife who now says she likes sex with you. That is fabulous, now you just need how to figure out how to make that really work for the two of you.
Second, your counselor has heard it all, and that includes the most abusive, degrading things that one partner can ask or do to another. She won't bat an eye over what you want to talk about. Don't be embarrassed asking her to help referee a topic, just because it makes you feel uncomfortable. Man-up and ask for her help in discussing things. If you need to start by saying that in a previous session you weren't brave enough to discuss something, but because of the love you have recently felt for your wife you would like to talk about something, but want to be heard before anyone says anything that might hurt you. You will be given a full and quiet audience. Now go out there and fight for your marriage, by speaking up.
Personally, I prefer not to wear a condom (actually for the silly romantic reason of truly becoming one with my wife's body-even after our bodies have separated), but when I needed to use a condom in the past with my wife (for birth control reasons), I liked to buy the smallest/tightest condom I could find. The reason is that it can become sort of like a "cock-ring" that helps maintain an erection. Tight can be good if you mentally accept it and realize the wonderful benefits it can provide you. Think of the tightness as your wife squeezing you in a most loving and intimate way. That tightness can mean that after I climax with a really tight condom on that I have a few extra moments of being erect and within my wife for cuddling and intimacy, prior to shrinking away and out of my wife or needing to pull out to prevent a spill. It can also help keep an erection that may be partially lost and allow time to get the fire going again. Many internet sites and sex stores or condom stores have a huge variety of condoms and sizes. You might try something that is really really small just as an experiment. There was one I use to look for that was called the mamba (they have them at drugstore.com)
As to are you right or is your wife right....there is no right and wrong there is only what the two of you find best for you. What I know about my wife is that she wants me also to be aroused when I make love to her. If I loose my "focus" she claims that she can tell and that it makes it harder for her to enjoy my touching her, as she feels that I am mechanically doing her rather than the two of us ML. She has said that the rythm of my touch and the intensity of my touch changes in a way that she can feel.
You might talk to your wife about what specifically it is that she feels is different when you loose your full erection, is it that or is it the way that you touch her. If she senses your loss of focus, ask her to help keep you at a boil by saying things (talking dirty, giving you verbal stimulation or creating verbal images) or by touching you in ways that keep you going (feather light touch on sensitive areas, squeezing other sensitive areas, perhaps scratching with her nails light or not so light, running her fingers through you hair, holding you tight, putting her breasts in your face, what every turns you on.) After all, marriage and ML should be a team project.
Speaking of mechanical, if your wife will allow you to bring a vibrator into your marriage bed with you, those mechanical toys may not loose their focus (assuming plug-in or fresh batteries) and she may be overwhelmed on that sensation and not really care about how firm you are. It is also something to discuss with her and/or the therapist.
I am a real fan of the 5 Languages of Love by Chapman and feel it helped save my marriage. Just because your wife's primary language is touch, doesn't mean it has to be sex. Touch can include footrubs, back massage, butt/thigh massage, head massage, kissing, cuddling, and a whole host of things. I have read a bunch of books on reflexology (foot, hand, head and ear massage) and it is almost overwhelming. I also have read some interesting books on both couples sensual massage and erotic massage. While touch can include sex, it doesn't need to. You can make your wife feel loved in her language of love (touch) by things other than having sex with her.
As to taking sex off the table, that is a complex question. Personally, I would (and did) only as a last resort and then in the form of a 180. For a woman, one of whose primary languages of love is touch, I would think that taking sex off the table could really make her potentially feel unloved, so I would recommend against it.
It sounds like your Retrouvaille weekend was a great experience for the two of you. It sounds like you have discovered a romantic love for your wife. It sounds like the two of you are now having sex together and that the act of sex is also making love between you. All of those are wonderful things.
What it sounds like is that your wife is wanting a situation that is creating a potential for performance aniety and you are feeling that and afraid of failing to perform up to her expectations. I am sure if you say that to your marriage counselor, she will recognize what is happening and give you some good advice and maybe help you and your wife figure out how she can either take a more active role in the success of her orgasmic experience, help discuss some mechanical options or at least have your wife assume a role that helps to actively encourage you.
Good luck and congratulations on your relationship. Focus one the progress, and the rest may come along and work itself out.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
