Question

[awest1217]

Thanks. What I am thinking is that I do have about 3 weeks before I will file because I need to wait for the refund money so I have the money to file. This will give H some time to think about us really divorcing and seeing that I am going to go through with the ultimatum, and if I thought he would truly get help, I might still fight, but he honestly feels he is broken and no one can fix it because theory says it can't be done, or he says he feels he has done nothing wrong and doesn't understand why I have problems with his "friends". Either way, he doesn't want to go to counseling because he "already knows what he/she will say" and it has been 10 years of me knowing about OW confronting, thinking it was over, just to find out it never ended or there was a new one. He doesn't want to change so I have to be strong enough to carry out the ultimatum.

In other news to make this month even worse, I got a call right before I was going to take a shower to go to church from my aunt that my grandma (the wife of grandpa who committed suicide and the anniversary was exactly a week ago) was taken to the emergency room because she fainted during church. My aunt couldn't get ahold of my mom because she was in church so I went into oldest child trama mode, which meant calling my brother and letting him know, calling my younger sister, calming her down and then having her take S for the morning. I also called H, knowing he wouldn't answer, because he loves my grandma. I cried a little on the way to the hospital. She is going to be fine although they are keeping her over night. She doesn't eat much and mostly carbs so she had low blood sugar which caused the black out. She just needs to eat more protein, which she doesn't do because it is hard to cook for one person. I also have sugar problems so I told her to hard boil some eggs to put on a salad, eat some nuts with her yogurt, drink a glass of milk every day, and eat more beans because she doesn't want to do meat, but she needs protein every meal.

I text H after I left the ER (at that time they didn't know the problem). He didn't text me or anything until 4 hours later, when he says sorry I didn't get your messages until just now. UGH! I mean if he really doesn't want a divorce shouldn't he try to show me he has changed and will set me as a priority especially because he knows my grandma means everything to me. It just shows me more how he hasn't changed one bit. The sad thing is when I went to see my grandma and we were in the room alone I asked if she was taking care of herself, with the anniversary, and she said she was eating and everything, and I asked about stress. She said she hasn't let anything out and started to cry, which I hugged her, and then instead of saying stuff about grandpa, she said she was stressed about me and worried about me and my situation. I told her I would be ok, and let her know what had happened, and she said how she felt I just needed to have some type of closure and never new how to pray because she wants what is best for S and I. It is so sad to me that my grandma has the anniversary of finding grandpa, and is in the ER, but is worried most about me and S, and really H because she loves him a lot and hates that he has done this to himself.

Anyway now that I am finally home, after going to the ER, going to my brother's to bring them dinner because he has pneumonia, then going back to my grandma's room since they admitted her for overnight watch just in case, it is all hitting me. I know grandma is ok and I know I will be ok, everything is just so scary because you never know when the end will be.