Thanks, I plan to be very careful. That's why I didn't volunteer any number for spousal support. That's really the only thing to be "negotiated", I think, everything else is a 50/50 split, and I don't want to short-change myself. I'll let him offer something first, see what he's thinking and go from there.
I got this email from stbx last night. It knocked me for a loop, damn near had an anxiety attack, and I'm debating the best way to respond.
A few background notes: I didn't say I would start D paperwork myself in January because I thought we were going to re-evaluate the situation after 4-6 months. We weren't at that point yet in January. In February when I asked him about it, he wasn't interested and so I told him to start the D paperwork himself. I'm sorry, I changed my mind, I don't want to do it myself. My atty suggested not spending my time and energy on it, and to let H make the opening offer. And I didn't expect to have a completed offer within two days, but I thought he would have been pleased to call his atty within a week to get the ball rolling.
Easter: It took maybe a week to decide what I wanted to do for the holiday, I was getting time info from both families to see if I could get the kids to both. Turns out both families are eating at the same time, and I would like the kids to go to my family's this year- we hadn't done Easter with them in several years. I did not mention this "tearfully"- but I did suggest using the court's suggested holiday schedule so we don't have to have a debate about each holiday. And D17 is still a minor, so something does need to be said about it in the agreement.
Jan is one of his older sisters and was the executor of their Dad's estate. Her actions and decisions caused a lot of very hurt feelings among the siblings, and as a result Jan and one other sister is estranged from the rest of the group.
Anyways- here is H's note:
I decided to write this in an email instead of trying to get it all out in a conversation in an effort to keep emotions on both sides down, and to try to reduce the miscommunications and misunderstandings that we always seem to struggle with.
I have spent a great deal of time combing through the current and historical financial documents and had been prepared to present a summary to you that we could use as a launching point for our discussions.
I put that on hold after our discussion last night. I am instead going to put off further discussions until I have prepped the accountant I am hiring so as to include his guidance and recommendations along with my lawyer’s in my decisions going forward.
My intent for this process – and based on all of our early discussions, you were in agreement – was for us to rationally discuss the finances (and everything else) together and try to come to agreement. I had hoped that this would be your approach when you said you would begin the paperwork and create a proposal back in early January. I didn’t press you about timelines for the paperwork because I didn’t want to rock the boat, but I was distressed to find at the end of February that not only had you not even considered a proposal, but you also seemed to be disavowing having said that you would, and in fact were waiting for me to produce one. I was further distressed a day and a half later when you then expected me to not only be done with the proposal, but to also have had my lawyer process it and have it delivered to your lawyer. Furthermore, I was extremely disappointed yesterday to hear you say that you don't even want to discuss finances and would prefer to work entirely through the lawyers. This seems counter to our goals of keeping the process amicable.
Your reaction to my inviting you to my family’s Easter dinner also greatly disturbed me. Instead of simply telling me you would rather take the kids to your family’s dinner, you declined to reply until I pressed, then tearfully described the Court’s child custody holiday schedule to me. I find it incredible that you not only couldn’t discuss this openly, but also felt the need to defer to a Court-standardized document to address where our adult children should go to eat dinner. This also seems counter to our goals of keeping the process amicable.
Finally, do you remember all of the discussions we had after my Dad died about how Jan created an imaginary world in her head in which each of her siblings had already done horrible things to her, then used those made-up atrocities to justify her own horrible acts? How many times did I say that she pushed us to do things that we wouldn't normally have done so she could then feel satisfied that we had lived up to the horrible things she imagined we would do?
I feel like you’ve made decisions and taken actions over the past six months that are based on your unfounded assumptions that I’m going to do something horrible. Those decisions make it increasingly difficult for me to maintain a reasonable and amicable position. I understand that you need to be prepared for the worst case – I have also run worst-case scenarios through my head, but you need to make decisions based on what you know and see, not on someone else’s nightmarish experiences that you heard or read about. It alarms and upsets me to see that you think I’m not only capable of, but likely to do something terrible during this process. This has hurt me most of all, I think.
I very much want to get back on track and keep our long-term relationship from going sour. Please let me know if you are still willing to have a rational discussion and hopefully come to a reasonable agreement. My goal has been, and continues to be, to finish this process in the least disruptive and most amicable way possible.
He's being inconsistent- he wants to talk to his atty and acct, and not me... then he says he's still willing to talk. Which is it? I think I just want to email him back, ignore all the irrelevant stuff, and simply ask what he would suggest as a next step. Any thoughts?
Just because I want my atty to help, does that mean it's not amicable? I think he's feeling not in control of the situation and trying to wrestle it back.
Bunny, I'd send this to your lawyer. Lawyer may well change his mind and opt for your making an opening proposal now. H is stalling, playing the drama card (surprise) probably seeing his accountant to find out the best way to protect/hide assets, etc. to his advantage and your detriment.
And his email is full of implications that he's still the rational, caring victim and everything is your fault - including his own inaction and procrastination.
He will never stop trying to eff with your head. It's his well-honed specialty. Do not reply. At all. Period.
Get this to your lawyer.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Just because I want my atty to help, does that mean it's not amicable?
Of course not, not at all. It's amicable and smart. And it's what lawyers are for! You have always sounded like you want this to be as amicable as could be possible under the circumstances. H does not. To H, this, like your M is all about his being in control of you.
Originally Posted By: SpyBunny
I think he's feeling not in control of the situation and trying to wrestle it back.
Bingo. It is lawyer time for you. NOW. Keep your approach that you'd prefer it be amicable...but that you won't be effed over! EVER again!
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Bunny, remember, it's not a sprint. There's nothing that says you need to respond, today, tomorrow, or ever. Can you just sit on this for a few days? The answers will come.
Me:44, WAW hx bi-polar H:48, hx of abuse S:22, S:19, D:16 Filed Oct 08, dismissed Filed again Jan 10, dismissed Now Piecing alter persona: SuperBoots
Bunny, I agree with what Gardener wrote. Your H is trying to keep control. To him amicable means that you agree to what he wants. I have a feeling that he is trying to stop you from getting advice to tell you what would be "normal" or even required, and hoping to get you to agree to less. That would be a bad plan.
I'm better now. After talking to my atty, (which is really handy when he sits 30 feet away from my desk) I decided to e-mail a proposed separation agreement to stbx by the end of the week. He'll review it before I send it out. If stbx wants to b!tch, he'll have something to b!tch about when he sees this.
Right now I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm going to just quietly disappear out of his life and things will go on as normal- but I'm sorry, it's going to cost him a little. Spousal support, child support, and a few other things...
We'll see what he says... I don't want to sound like a greedy, self-entitled WAW that you hear about so often here, but I'm not going to let him screw me anymore. (Literally and figuratively )
My translation: You're making up an imaginary world in your head. I want to get back on track even though you are trying to sour our LTR. You are being unrational and unreasonable. My goal is to be disruptive and amicable, unlike you....
I don't feel you should respond or reply to that. You don't need to defend yourself.
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