I still think there is nothing to respond to-it was his CHOICE to do this and you are making more than enough sacrifices so it is only fair that he does since it is HIS choice to do this.
I think that some validation is necessary because this is a problem that predates our separation -- the separation didn't create this. This is a marriage and lifestyle issue that we didn't solve. H IS working too hard. No he was not willing to seriously look at the big picture and problem-solve with me to fix it, but the problem still remains that it's NOT sustainable for H to keep working as hard as he is to provide for our family AND be a very involved father...which is probably in our children's best interest. And realistically with his health problems he may not even be physically capable of working as much as he is now for many more years.
And my response does give me a chance to do some gentle boundary-setting: H has an idea in his mind how much HE wants to work and how much HE wants to do childcare. Putting in the part about figuring out what will work for BOTH of us is important IMO. He wants to "put in his order" for how much time he wants for the kids and how much he wants me to work. The reality check part is that I haven't decided yet what's right and possible for me and the children in both of those areas. He's cashing in on my desire for reconciliation by pushing forward his agendas and establishing precedents before tackling D or negotiations. Isn't it a good idea to assert my interests at this point?
Last edited by flowmom; 03/14/1007:33 PM.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I cant post much. Just a comment : "how much you want me to contribute to our family finances"? I must have missed something. Right now you have 2 separate households, he needs to pay what he needs to pay. How he does it, is another issue and seriously, not your concern. Choices = Consequences. Men usually feel they are exploited (spelling?).
Slowly shift frm his problems=our problems, my problems=my problems. His problems are his issues and yours are yours.
Will get back tommorow. I need to read back a little. Maybe jumping into conclusions... xxx M
Reply "How much do you want me to contribute to our family finances? It was not my choice to rent a second apartment at this time."
Actually the second sentence is too much. But really, no HE can't do it all and no, YOU can't do it all. How can you homeschool and work full-time billable hours? THAT is not realistic for mental health IMHO. Something is going to have to give on one or both sides here, it seems. He can't work those hours to pay for two households and do that much childcare to AVOID paying child support. So he's going to have to choose. Or you're going to have to. Somebody's going to have to.
I wouldn't send a reply just yet and I would NOT send the draft you posted above.
Yes, your financial issues may have been present long before the separation but really, it is what it is.
Your H gets all the "good and easy" changes (new apartment, not having to be a full time parent, living the single life) while you get to be a full time parent, home school, work on your son's medical issues, keep the house AND complete XX number of billable hours per week.
I don't think so.
Yes, it is in your H's best interest to be a more hands on, full time parent but you know what? He made the choice to leave you and the family and move out on his own. He was fully aware of the financial situation before he left. It is not your job to compensate FOR HIS CHOICES.
The bottom and realistic line is this... if he wants you to earn more money he is going to have to pony up for childcare. The both of you will need to make a decision about how feasible it really is for you to home school your children if you are going to bring in a full time income. Your H has already dictated plenty of lifestyle changes. I know you aren't ready to seen an attny but at this point I think it would be very wise. You don't even have to tell your H what you learned.
There is not a reason in the world you should be contributing one dime to his new bachelor pad. Nor should you and your children have to struggle because he chose to leave. Your H wants it all and he wants to be sure HE is the one who is as comfortable as possible. In this case there is no way to have it all and that is a consequence of his choices.
If he chooses not to be married anymore then his work hours, financial woes, difficulty with childcare, single parenting and any potential health issues are not yours to deal with. Ideally you would like your H to be around as a father for a long time but he will have to figure out how to do that on his own if he chooses to dissolve the marriage.
Your H doesn't seem to "get" subtle boundaries so I would start being perfectly clear. It is not okay that he gets to heap all these expectations and demands on you while you are carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders.
Thanks for the replies. This is a core issue in my M and in my life. It's like the puzzle that I could never fit together...and I still can't. I understand the perspective that most of you are taking...but there's a disconnect between that POV and how I see things. I don't know if it's because of cultural differences (what's normal/expected in the city that I live in) or me internalizing H's (unrealistic) expectations of me or ???.
My DB coach has advised that I build on communication when it starts with H, and respond in an affirming, collaborative way. That's the spirit in which I wrote the draft response.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Perhaps it is difficult and saddeniing to admit that you and H and your children can't have it all. I don't know if that's an unrealistic expectation that everyone in your city suffers or not. If you all move to shoddier houses in worse neighborhoods you may be able to have it all (him work less and you homeschool and work less). But that's not having it all either. Sorry if this sounds like a 2X4, but in a few days I think it will become clearer how to send an email that is both affirming, collaborative, and personal boundary setting about time, space, and money truths that exist on planet earth.
Life in your H's bubble may have brainwashed you into thinking more is possible than is and that more options exist than do or that the human body is capable of what it is not and now you go around beating yourself up over his unrealistic expectations that you have now internalized. Who knows? I think you also need to be realistic about how "affirmed" H is ever going to feel about the money topic.
Cultural or not there is only so much money and time to go around.
If childcare in your city is so expensive and not all that available then it makes very little sense bring in more income to simply turn it over to a childcare provider.
Your H is requesting you accommodate a very crazy schedule with the children. Basically to accommodate HIM you are sort of forced to remain self employed as it would be very difficult to work full time outside of the home with the schedule he is requesting.
What are the options? Either the both of you get 9-5 jobs so things are easier or he is going to have to make some concessions since he is the one that desired this split.
I think you spent many, many years trying to solve your H's problems and in a way I still think you are doing that. His problems are now his. It sounds cold but right now, its how it is.
I am no DB Coach (LOL, ya think?!) but it's confusing to me why a DB Coach would suggest you affirm actions/choices that continue to complicate your life, work schedule, homeschooling and time with your children.
Another thing to keep in mind is you tip toed around your H's moods, sleep issues, complicated diet and what sounds like his every whim for a long time. You don't have to do that anymore.
In a way, because you did do that for so long he *might* think it is possible to have it all because you accommodated him for many years. He knows you want to reconcile and therefore is asking way too much of you without much fear you will say no, sorry, I live life for me and my children now.
This will require a HUGE shift in your thinking but probably a necessary one.
I am the last person to tell you go on and confront him in a hostile way right now. BUT, I am talking about how you should be thinking IMO, not acting right now. How you implement the course of actions you choose is another issue. First thing is to work on you and how you perceive your share of blame/responsibilities/share re the financial state. IMO, a lot of it comes from how you allowed him to make you feel.
You are not the last nor first stay at home mom. It is not a crime you now need to compensate him for in teh ways he thinks are right. It's all about the way you look at things. I wouldnt do anything before I think things over. Your actions muct be part of an attitude. Not reactions. I insist. Wait till you reply. K
