I have read both Divorce Busting and Divorce Remedy and they have been a great help in everything from improving my chances of getting back together and improving our relationship once we do get back together.
I have been separated from my wife for about 1.5 years now. I left her and later realized that I made a mistake. I still love her deeply and the feeling is mutual. We speak on a regular basis and live near each other, thus see each other once in a while.
I say the feeling is mutual, because although she does have a boyfriend and has had one for about four months now, she tells me frequently that she misses me, misses our life together, wears her wedding rings around the house when she is alone, etc. This has been going on for months and has not faded. She even told me that her boyfriend is a loser.
Yet, through all this, when I discuss the possibility of getting back together she has three main excuses: 1. She has a boyfriend 2. She has an army of biased friends who hate me. (However, her best friend and another good friend of her's encourage her to pursue our relationship). 3. Her main excuse for not getting back together is in her words; "I don't know how to go back to that." ("that" being our relationship).
I know that her friends are a big influence on her. She even filed for divorce, not because she wanted to, but because she thought that if she did, her friends would leave her alone. Her friends and her mom constantly harass her to get divorced and move on despite the fact that she is in love with me. She told me all this.
So I'm at a stalemate right now. I can't bring up the notion of us getting back together, as I fear I'll only get the same excuses listed above. All I can do is play it cool. But how long do I play it cool for? Something has to happen eventually or we'll be stuck in limbo forever, never being able to get on with our lives. I have loved this woman for about 6 years now and I believe the feeling is mutual.
I have tried many things, read many books and I'm not ready to give up just yet. I have tried to give up, I even traveled the world for a couple of months, thinking that would help me forget, but it didn't. Any advice or similar stories would be helpful.
You should not bring it up, but it sounds like she brings it up enough to get some words in. Ask her what's more important - her friends' opinions or her own? DO NOT ask her if your R is more important than her friends, that will lose her. Possibly she could try to influence her friends' opinions? If her friends have reasons/excuses to not like you try eliminating them. Of course you can't change the past but you can change the present/future. This includes your present/future, not your W's, but changing you is what changes your W's perception of you. Also don't chase her down, pursuing is one of the biggest turn-offs, but it does seem that since she's at least to a certain point you could try doing little things and flirting once in a while, just don't come across as desperate.
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Has she ever gone to individual counseling to figure out why she lets her friends and her mother control her actions and opinions to the extent that she stays with a loser rather than follow her heart? Did you do something awful and unforgiveable or does she literally not know how to work towards reconciliation without "saving face" and "getting approval" from her mother and friends?
It seems like it would be difficult to be married to a woman who lets her friends and mother control her even if you did reconcile. So some solution might be in order there. Filing for divorce to get people off your back seems extreme. Is it possible she is blaming them for her own choices so that you will not be as angry with her for divorcing you?
I have been doing a pretty good job at following all the recommendations of the books, such as not pursuing her and not brining up our relationship, unless she does and then Mark, I'm able to get a couple of words in. She agrees with most of what I'm saying and she is starting to understand that her friends and mom's opinion is not that important. Because she realizes that she may never be happy if she continues to listen to them. They are also not very credible, even her mom, and she understands that.
She does not like counselling and she refuses to try it out, although she has gone by herself a couple of times.
Me leaving her was the awful action that really hurt her and I think she is afraid that I may leave her again. She tells me that she can never go through that again. the difference now is that I have educated myself a lot more and I'm willing to try different things to make it work. When I left, I thought I tired everything, although I really kept doing the same things that never worked and I never took the time to understand her point of view.
I don't think that she is blaming them for her choices. I know how she is pressured by other peoples opinions, she always has been. She even admitted to me that she has always struggled with what other people thought. I try to tell her; "Those who mind don't matter and those who matter, don't mind."
One woman friend of mine told me that I need to do something extreme and embarrassing in order to show her that I love her her and win her back. Sometimes I feel like that may be the thing to do to get out of this limbo.
R: One woman friend of mine told me that I need to do something extreme and embarrassing in order to show her that I love her her and win her back. Sometimes I feel like that may be the thing to do to get out of this limbo.
I'm not sure about this. A large romantic gesture? Would that be something she would like or crave that is out of character for you or would it create an atmosphere of pursuing pressure? I'm not sure.
You said: When I left, I thought I tired everything, although I really kept doing the same things that never worked and I never took the time to understand her point of view.
Does she realize that you consider yourself basically uneducated about relationships and how fixable they could be back then and you got SCARED and ran? Have you emphasized your fear and lack of knowledge at times when she has been open to this discussion. I'm a female and I think maybe my trust could be rebuilt slowly if I understood that someone simply didn't know until they looked into it and found out that there were easy solutions. Once again, communication without pursuit (when she is open to it). And maybe some romantic gestures? Not sure. Did she have other problems with your marriage when you left besides the fact that you walked away? A trial dating period is really the best you could hope to get in this sitch, in my opinion. And she'd have to ditch loser boyfriend to get that.
You might have to start from trustworthy, attractive friend and work your way back up when loser boyfriend relationship falls apart. Not sure. It's a good sign that she realizes her friend's opinions aren't the best thing in the world.
Thanks a lot for your valuable input rr22. It's always good to get the opinion of a woman. I appreciate it.
Yes, we have talked about my lack of knowledge regarding relationships and when we talk about it she agrees and understands.
I think you are right that I have to just continue communication without pursuit and remain confidant and attractive to her. I might consider some subtle romantic gestures, if the opportunity arises.
I guess I just have to be patient. I am speaking with a relationship coach and she says that the loser boyfriend relationship is doomed and can't work anyway, for reasons that I listed previously.
No pursuing and no talking about your feelings please, observe reality, where is your wife right now? She is with another man. Someone she calls a "loser" but she is still with. Why do you think that is? She would still rather be with this "loser" than you, so regardless of what her description is of him, emotionally this guys does it for her and you don't. Her perception is that he has higher value than you do, if he didn't, she would be willing to work things out with you.
Talking about feelings, romantic gestures, pursuing, gifts, none of these things will work.
Observe the dynamic in place.
She is with another man, and you want her. You are alone, she doesn't want you. You are the backup plan just in case things don't work out with the "loser" boyfriend. She knows you aren't going anywhere, she enjoys her little chats with you because it makes her feel good to know that you're still waiting around for her, you boost her ego this way.
Start dating other women and watch what happens. When you start moving on, this is when she will notice that you aren't there for her forever.
Seriously 1.5 years of separation?! Your wife has a boyfriend for 4 months?! And you're still waiting for her to snap out her "fog"?!
Observe reality, follow reality: what you're doing isn't working.
I see what you're saying and I do agree with that sometimes. I do feel like a back up plan sometimes and get pissed off to the point where I feel like telling her to F*** off (but I don't). She usually calls me during the week and when I'm getting annoyed I ignore her calls until I finally crack and answer.
I have been dating and she knows that I'm seeing other woman. I'm taking care of my self, working out, I recently got some new tattoos and I try to get the most out of life.
Yea, maybe she is keeping me as a back up plan, but I'm still in love with her and as long as she holds on, I can't seem to move on with my life no matter what I do or who I see. I also don't want to let go, as I believe there is still a chance of reconciliation.
She is with another man, and you want her. You are alone, she doesn't want you. You are the backup plan just in case things don't work out with the "loser" boyfriend. She knows you aren't going anywhere, she enjoys her little chats with you because it makes her feel good to know that you're still waiting around for her, you boost her ego this way.
This needs to be framed and passed out to all who enter this board...
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
I see what you're saying and I do agree with that sometimes. I do feel like a back up plan sometimes and get pissed off to the point where I feel like telling her to F*** off (but I don't). She usually calls me during the week and when I'm getting annoyed I ignore her calls until I finally crack and answer.
I have been dating and she knows that I'm seeing other woman. I'm taking care of my self, working out, I recently got some new tattoos and I try to get the most out of life.
Yea, maybe she is keeping me as a back up plan, but I'm still in love with her and as long as she holds on, I can't seem to move on with my life no matter what I do or who I see. I also don't want to let go, as I believe there is still a chance of reconciliation.
Maybe I should ignore her calls? I'm not sure?
WOW, Going dark, No contact, what a novel idea!
Yes you want her to worry that you've finally moved on, you can give her that impression by not being available to her.
As for dating, are you really dating or are you just saying that?
On those rare occasions that you did pick up the phone when she calls, cut the call short, like 1-2 minutes and tell her "hey you caught me just as I was going out, maybe we can talk some other time, see ya...." all with a smile on your face and zing in your step. She has to feel that you're moving on and that you're not waiting around for her anymore, it's her loss, you have high standards, you don't wait around for your wife to end her relationship with her "loser" boyfriend, think about what that says about you, seriously!
