flowmom | need to commit to myself

[flowmom]

An email exchange from the other day:

email from H:

Hi

I'm trying to think about the amount of hours I need to work in the medium term and to do some financial forward projection. That's why knowing your monthly work totals would be helpful

Could you tell me how many billable hours you did in February 2010?

In the interests of full disclosure I did c. 168 billable hours at the fire department* and c. 60 to 80 hours of not-strictly-billable hours of Internet based work

Flowdad

* many of those hours involved sleeping, just to keep things in perspective.

My reply:

Hi Flowdad,

Thank you for working so hard to support our family...I really appreciate it.

In Feb I worked 22 h = $XXXX billable. [project] got backburnered in mid Feb. (limiting the hours that I could work), but my new project is coming online now.

Flowmom

So H just replied:

Thank you for your 'report.' Any work that you do is appreciated. We've talked about it before, but I just don't think that my current level of work is sustainable, especially given the amount of childcare which I want to do plus the commuting and shuffling of kids back and forth between homes.

I think this needs a reply. This is about H feeling like a martyr...and doing all the work.

[flowmom]

On a related note...I'm realizing how rattled I was by H's demeanour yesterday (gaunt, tired face, more reactive with the kids). I think I had a "walking on eggshells" feeling yesterday and still have it this morning as I wait for my children to be returned to me for the day. I'm realizing how much of my energy has gone into coping with my anxiety about H's black moods (sleep deprivation induced). I feel urges to want to step in and protect the kids from him when he is like that (because he can be harsh and is likely to yell, or just be a black hole).

And H's email today tells me that some of my feelings are justified because they ARE personal. When H is like that around me, I'm correctly picking up the underlying "stuff". He's still telling himself the story that everything that is wrong with his life is MY fault.

[newmama]

OOOOOH.....wait on it....I would be furious if I were you!

But you know something? I honestly don't see a question in there or anything you need to respond to! Don't you think he knows this message will push your buttons?

So we'll see what the experts say but I think NO REPLY NEEDED.

[newmama]

And about H's moods- you are mindreading and so what if he thinks what you think he does?

You (and all of us) KNOW this is wrong. It's like if someone suspected you stole something but never comes out and says it..yes it makes you want to defend yourself but the reality is the more you react the more it makes it look like you are DEFENDING yourself...there is nothing to defend! Hope that wasn't too confusing.

[flowmom]

Thank you for your 'report.' Any work that you do is appreciated. We've talked about it before, but I just don't think that my current level of work is sustainable, especially given the amount of childcare which I want to do plus the commuting and shuffling of kids back and forth between homes.

So here's a first draft for a reply:

I can understand why it feels unsustainable to work as much as you are, do as much childcare as you want to, and continue the amount of commuting/shuffling that you are doing.

I would like to move towards finding a balance of earning/childcare that works for both of us.

Perhaps a good starting point would be for you to let me know specifically how much income you want me to contribute to our family finances?

[mindfull]

Good response, Flo!

You could have just said... "HEY MORON, I KNOW HOW TO FIX IT!"

[rockedworld]

I think that is a good response Flo.

We all know how hard it is to keep validating our WAS's feelings when they are in full "fog" mode and blaming us for their unhappiness. Yet, it is so important if there is hope of helping the fog to lift.

So, you validated, BUT you also put the ball back into his court, asking him to let you know what he needs from you. If he is going to complain then he needs to help with the solution. Good job on that.

You are validating, but not taking on the blame. Good balance from my POV.

[rr22]

Yes, he blames you that he had kids (even though they were his idea) and that as a result of these kids he now has added financial and life responsibilities. He does not want to blame the kids or his own decision to procreate, so he blames you. Tough s---. Sorry this response is not more in the "helpful" vain, but come on. He did not have to procreate or leave his wife so that his life would become even more complicated. He also can choose help instead of blame for his depression.

[newmama]

I still think there is nothing to respond to-it was his CHOICE to do this and you are making more than enough sacrifices so it is only fair that he does since it is HIS choice to do this.

So you think he is hinting that you work more to earn more money?

I just want to know what Kalni or Citygirl think.

[flowmom]

So you think he is hinting that you work more to earn more money?

That subtext is very clear based on our history.