I'm a bit desperate on the ML issues, any advice would be helpful. I haven't been able to talk to my female IC/MC about this (too embarrassed~)
Last night, despite going to our first Retrouvaille post weekend session, W kind of got me back by saying out of the blue that she thinks I'm handsome, but she isn't attracted to me. I had said that to her at our lowest point, and while it was true and partly still is, I've only started to feel love for her this week. Honestly - I wasn't physically or emotionally connected when we married (arranged).
I can't say I believed her - seemed more like her release of some hurt. I purposely tried to fully immerse myself in the moment, so that I could better empathize with how she felt when I said what I said. My response was to ask what she felt was unattractive. I'm too tall, too big, beard shape isn't just right, that kind of stuff. I then told her I would work on my beard and continue working on slimming down more (20 lbs to go while trying to build muscle). I then told her that I felt she may be saying this because she feels hurt. I "clarified" that now with my love growing, I am finding her body more and more attractive.
She flip flops with her ideas so much that I just brushed it under the carpet for a future dialogue, if at all. It doesn't get rid of her core problem from where it came.
The way she sees it, if I am attracted to her and am not wishing to be ML with a porn star, then I would want more sex. So, she feels that when we ML Friday night (before the session), that the moments of "softness" on my part showed that I wasn't able to get it going for her cause she's not attractive enough.
Facts: - Never had sex except with her - "Self-pleasuring" in private kept me going as love & attraction were not there for her, as well as because I didn't want more children. She either didn't want birth control, or she didn't like them. For me, the protection was too tight for me to use and keep going, so I couldn't use it. M was nearly sexless for the last 4 yrs, and 3-4x/month for the rest - Until I began DB stuff, I thought she didn't like sex very much as it was hard for me to get her there. I've found out her love language is touch... - Sex, when we have done it, has often been OK, with rare great moments as she got too wet for friction. - W wasn't OK with much foreplay, but that only made it harder for me to get her there.
So, basically, when we were trying to ML on Friday as has been the case in the past, it is hard for me to stay hard if I'm there's an action gap. She interprets this as an attraction gap.
Questions...
-- Does anyone think she's right? Is going semi during sex unusual?
-- Is visual attraction needed (not emotional) during sex? When alone, I know I don't have the softenss prob, but then my mind always has something to visualize then. I can get errect for her, just not stay that way for 20-30 minutes. I'd go for meds, but that wouldn't solve her concern - that I don't love her body enough to keep it up.
-- If sexual touch is how she interprets my love for her, is this a no win?
-- We are beginning to work toward a point where I can end our D plans, but my softness led her to say she thinks we should separate. This, despite major growth of our R in Retrouvaille (I found romantic love for her for the FIRST time in our M). Should I tell her no more sex till D is off the table? That was the plan, and by our religion it is a requirement for D, but she has found it hard to not have sex. I'm too afraid to take it off the table until I know my love isn't a passing fad - one week of love is the most powerful and unexpected feeling I've ever had!
