feel like giving up - pt 2

[luvless]

Well 4luv he has threatened to leave many times these last few months and in a very ugly manner. I don't believe he'd go to counseling and I personally wouldn't go unless it was a big name counselor we are too far gone here.

Update from last night you guys was terrible. We were painting daughter's room and he was drinking some beers. The beers turned into vodka. I asked him to stop and so did kids - he wouldn't. He started saying really ugly things to me. I said, "why are you drinking so much?" he says, "because I don't love my wife." Now that hurt.

He hadn't touched his BB all day except later at night and he starting texting that other person. I asked to stop texting in my home. He started saying some mean things to me about how his dad didn't like me the first time he met me blah blah.

He started saying, "I should just kill myself" and then said, "oh well you won't care cuz you aren't the beneficiary." We have a very large ins policy and I've always been the beneficiary. I thought that comment was interesting. I wonder if he changed it.

He can't find his BB and is pissed so he threatens to leave and I say, please go...let me help you get your stuff. He didn't drive (cuz I asked him not to) he walked down the street and came back 10 mins later. Are you getting tired yet?

He comes in and I say come here and down lets talk. What is wrong with you? Why are you behaving this way? You are upsetting me and the kids. He complained about how he does everything for everyone and nobody gives a sh*t about him blah blah.

Here's where it gets good. He looks into my eyes and he smiles (he has always told me he loves my brown sparkly eyes) I know!! anyway....he puts his hands on my face and starts asking me what do I want? I said I want Mr. Luv back I don't know who you are. He is saying some very provocative things to me and asks if he can see my boobs (his fav) I am rejecting him and pulling away saying this is not right. He says, "see? why are you pushing me away you don't want me?"

I am totally freakin perplexed at this moment. All I have is Gno telling me in my head he's just gaslighting you and I thought about that the whole time. He tried for over and hour! I tried to keep quiet because of the kids but I could not believe his persistance. He made some serious comments about how he enjoyed me sexually blah blah. I'm being vague because I can't even tell you guys how explicit the things he was saying.

Then after all that he was gonna go to the couch...visibly drunk. I said, "why don't you just sleep here (the kids were very upset and they were on the couch) he said, "remember 20 yrs ago I told you if you put me on the couch I'm never coming back." Whatever. I've put him on the couch a couple times and he came back.

Anyway....I have to tell you. I deserve a heavyweight belt for the emotional abuse fight I had last night. I've never been more torn and hopeless about us.

I have lost my H forever.