Question

[ClingingToHope]

You are forcing H to grow up and he doesn't want to. You do deserve better.

[Kalni]

I wnat you to know I can imagine how you feel. I've been through the same "indecision" phase. It's all about her and what he thinks he is getting. Dont have any advice, do what you feel is right. TRUST YOUR INSTICT! Dont second guess yourself.
Stay strong
K

[awest1217]

Thanks Kalni! I know you have been through this before so I really appreciate your advice. My instincts were telling me all week that he moved in to his parents house last week and has been sleeping at OW's for the past week because her H is out of town. Many times I was going to go and check my suspicion by driving by her house, but I decided I wasn't going to because this weekend he would have to decide either way since her H comes home tomorrow and he had to move out.

My instincts are also telling me he went to North Carolina with OW and not for a funeral, but to look at a new job. It is weird to say he didn't know if he would be back either Sunday or Monday. I am sure the funeral has already been arranged if he is going down this weekend, and it is just strange that he won't leave work early to celebrate S learning to go on the potty (huge toddler hurdle), but he would miss an extra day of work right before being gone for two more days at a conference for a funeral of someone he never talked to at all in four years and never mentioned once to me. There are a few band guy friends that I know, but I have never heard this guy's name. I really feel he is going down to look for a job. He always said if we got divorced he would move away and just "disappear". I am figuring this is him doing that.

I will definitely go with my instincts. My instincts were telling me that he wouldn't come home and he would try to make this extend, but I am not going to let it. He isn't going to stop the EAs because he doesn't feel he is doing anything wrong. He doesn't want to let me go, but unlike the other times I have tried to break up with him and failed, I have a S who I need to make sure he learns how to correctly have a relationship and H is not showing that. It might be one thing if he was making improvements, but the text last week shows he hasn't thought about anything, and to honestly "live one day at a time" when you have no idea when you come back where you are going to stay...it is just immature. What is he going to do? Come back and just say mom and dad I need to crash here because I still don't know what to do? And what kind of parents are they to say, "sure you can stay here." after him leaving me and S in limbo for a full year and them knowing, but denying he is having an affair?

I know I am doing a lot of venting. I keep having emotional roller coasters because although I know this is the best thing for me and S because we deserve someone who is going to make us the number 1 priority, especially S which is what kills me the most. So many fathers on here talk about how they want to spend more time with their children, and S is lucky to see H once a week. H didn't even stop by before he left, and probably wouldn't have even told me he was going so now it is over a week since he has seen S and over a month since he has really spent time with S. I know this is the right thing because I set an ultimatum and I need to follow through, maybe this will shake him and being with his successful ND friends (if he is with them), will make him realize what he is giving up, but if not I have to let him go, which is hard because he has been a huge part of my life, but I deserve better.

[ClingingToHope]

I don't get his parents. You go over there for pizza nights, right? So obviously they like you. But I guess blood is thicker than water. My MIL likes me, but I don't think she's done anything actively to say to W you should work this out.

I was just getting married at 27. At 23, when you guys got married, I was just getting out of college and if I had gotten married then, I'm not sure how dedicated I would have been to it. I mean it just takes people some time to grow up.

By 27 I was ready.

Some day he will realize what he screwed up, it just doesn't seem like it's now. He looks like he doesn't want to be cornered into living up to his commitment.

[awest1217]

The funny thing is that all the stuff he is doing now. He could have done when he was in college, but never wanted to. I would ask him to go on road trips or his friends from college would ask him to do stuff, and he would always say no. I agree it was a little young to get married, but we had been together for 6 years, and I was ready, although I am sure he wasn't, and I honestly just wanted to move on with my life. I had my career, an apartment, and just needed the next step. He never wanted the next step and once again when i would break up with him because I wanted more, he would just come back crying, exactly like now.

I was going to text H to see how he was doing, but right when I was going to send it, my car stalled. I guess I shouldn't have sent it, so I didn't, but I did send a text later that said I had gotten S some new shoes because we have been looking for some for a while. I am definitely going to stick to only talking about S with H, and he hasn't text me since last night after the third i love you text. I am sure he is frustrated that I didn't respond, but oh well.

Found a cute easter dress and now just a blue suit for S and we will look so cute together. I am goign to try to get pics of just the two of us together to replace the family photos we have. I also have to work on getting some pics of H and I off the walls, but I want to fill the frames with new pics so i have to get working.

[Lucky11too]

This is deifinitely tough but you do deserve more. I am all for saving marriages and would hope H can come to his senses, but the way things are going now, you just can't and shouldn't stand for.

I understand alot about getting married young - same situation for me - 5 years together, in my career, etc and I was ready to move on the the next step. I thought H was too but I was obviously wrong. I don't know if I could have just sat around dating him for another 5 years while he grew up, but on his part, it was too young to get married.

I think you are doing the right thing - just sticking with your guns. If he can truely come around, then great, but he just can't keep trying to prolong this b/c he doesn't want to have to sacrifice anything. You and OW are mutual exclusive, so he needs to pick one, and unfortunately it sounds like he choose her (what a sad life he has in front of him). Like you said, you've been dealing with this for a long time now, so for you to set an deadline, especially given the circumstances, is not unreasonable. Yes, this choice is the "end all", but really, did he honestly expect you to put up with this forever? You deserve more! But it's good that you have a plan in place now for his stuff, etc. This is super tough, but just keep the strength up to do what is right.

Easter pics sound really cute. Unfortunately, if this is the path H is chosing, he doesn't deserve any pics on the wall!

[awest1217]

I am having a hard day today. I am wondering if I am giving up too easy. I read some other sitches of people who have gone years waiting for their spouse, and for me it has only been a year. Am I giving in too soon? He doesn't want a D. I am the one pushing that.

On the other hand, there has been absolutely no progress since last year. We are in exactly the same position as last year, except now I am the one wanting a D. H isn't asking at all for me to not file. He isn't doing anything. He never has done anything so why should I keep fighting when he has never once tried to fight for me? He hasn't paid child support this month, probably to catch up on his bills and to go to North Carolina, and I just can't keep living my life wondering if he is goign to help me. I am ok for the next month because I get an extra pay in April, and i will now file my taxes and get the refund, where H is going to have to pay back a bunch because he isn't going to claim the house, S, the offerings I pay to church, etc. All the stuff I have paid all year I am not letting him claim so he has to pay a bunch in. He not changed one bit in a year. I thought he was being honest with me, which would be a huge change, but the text last week proves he hasn't. I have to keep thinking that although a family with a mom and dad is best for S, I don't want S to pick up on H's bad habits.

I am just kind of sad today and I expected the roller coaster of emotions because we have been together for 11 years, married 4 and have S together so of course it is going to be hard to let him go. It hurts even more that he is not willing to just say he is going to drop everything and fight for me and S, but he isn't. This week I want to write a letter to his parents and get that sent early this week so they have it before next weekend when I want his stuff out of here. I also want to have a custody agreement written out so if H is ok with it, we will both sign and that means less time for the lawyer because we will already have everything worked out. I am thinking every other weekend and one evening a week. I don't want S spending the night during the week because he needs his sleep and consistency. Then for holidays do every other holiday except the two major religious ones. For christmas, his family always does Christmas eve and mine Christmas day so I figure we will split S that way, and I always want him on Easter Sunday morning so he can go to church. I feel like King Solomon trying to split a child, and it is killing me. I would rather S be fully with one of us instead of splitting. I guess that is the love of a mother. Of course I have no clue if he will even want visitation because H told me numerous times if we divorce he didn't want S at all. We will see if H even meets with me to get this taken care of.

[ClingingToHope]

Just be prepared for it not to be as quick and easy as presenting him a plan and him signing it. There will likely be a fight because lawyers will be involved.

You are just protecting yourself by filing. I can't imagine the pain you've had to put up with with the OW and his consistent lies.

This just starts a new cycle of pain.

[Lucky11too]

That's a tough decision, but one that you'll have to make on your own. You need to really look at your situation and evaluate what the potential with H is. If you think H can come around with more time and you have the strength to endure it, then sticking it out is something to consider. On the other hand, as H has not shown any change and has resisted getting any help for his issues, maybe it's time for some closure for your and S's sake. If you decide that you want to try to continue on, the only hope that I can give you is that it took me about 6 months from the time I set my mind to getting H into help no whatever what for him to finally start getting help. Most of the time throughout those 6 months it seemed pretty bleak, but I'm sure you can remember my excitement, when he finally showed interest in getting help and we got the ball rolling (interesting enough, I was just thinking about this, but it took him to get to a low enough spot where he spent that weekend in Vegas with OW2 to get him to get him to be open to it). So I'm just saying if you can see a change is possible and can get a plan on how you want to achieve it, then we're here to support you.

It's hard to say what the right path is - we're all here to save our marriages! But at what point is enough enough? It seems like you've tried everything from the infidelity section and with final straw being the ultimatum - where you're at now. I don't understand why he's not fighting for you and S, but for whatever reason, he's not. I don't know how else you can make it clear to him that OW is not and will never be appropriate, which makes me think you need to follow thru on your ultimatum. Maybe just try continuing on with your plan to get everything in order - H's stuff out, custody plan, etc - but then you'll still have 2 weeks to think over everything before you file during spring break. There's just really a lot to think about and even hard to advise on. I want you to be able to continue fighting and have that happily ever after, but I just don't know how else you can get thru to him. And once again, yes, you do deserve better than all this.

Well, I just hope today has been a little better day for you. It is going to be a roller coaster for awhile but just stay strong!

[awest1217]

Thanks. What I am thinking is that I do have about 3 weeks before I will file because I need to wait for the refund money so I have the money to file. This will give H some time to think about us really divorcing and seeing that I am going to go through with the ultimatum, and if I thought he would truly get help, I might still fight, but he honestly feels he is broken and no one can fix it because theory says it can't be done, or he says he feels he has done nothing wrong and doesn't understand why I have problems with his "friends". Either way, he doesn't want to go to counseling because he "already knows what he/she will say" and it has been 10 years of me knowing about OW confronting, thinking it was over, just to find out it never ended or there was a new one. He doesn't want to change so I have to be strong enough to carry out the ultimatum.

In other news to make this month even worse, I got a call right before I was going to take a shower to go to church from my aunt that my grandma (the wife of grandpa who committed suicide and the anniversary was exactly a week ago) was taken to the emergency room because she fainted during church. My aunt couldn't get ahold of my mom because she was in church so I went into oldest child trama mode, which meant calling my brother and letting him know, calling my younger sister, calming her down and then having her take S for the morning. I also called H, knowing he wouldn't answer, because he loves my grandma. I cried a little on the way to the hospital. She is going to be fine although they are keeping her over night. She doesn't eat much and mostly carbs so she had low blood sugar which caused the black out. She just needs to eat more protein, which she doesn't do because it is hard to cook for one person. I also have sugar problems so I told her to hard boil some eggs to put on a salad, eat some nuts with her yogurt, drink a glass of milk every day, and eat more beans because she doesn't want to do meat, but she needs protein every meal.

I text H after I left the ER (at that time they didn't know the problem). He didn't text me or anything until 4 hours later, when he says sorry I didn't get your messages until just now. UGH! I mean if he really doesn't want a divorce shouldn't he try to show me he has changed and will set me as a priority especially because he knows my grandma means everything to me. It just shows me more how he hasn't changed one bit. The sad thing is when I went to see my grandma and we were in the room alone I asked if she was taking care of herself, with the anniversary, and she said she was eating and everything, and I asked about stress. She said she hasn't let anything out and started to cry, which I hugged her, and then instead of saying stuff about grandpa, she said she was stressed about me and worried about me and my situation. I told her I would be ok, and let her know what had happened, and she said how she felt I just needed to have some type of closure and never new how to pray because she wants what is best for S and I. It is so sad to me that my grandma has the anniversary of finding grandpa, and is in the ER, but is worried most about me and S, and really H because she loves him a lot and hates that he has done this to himself.

Anyway now that I am finally home, after going to the ER, going to my brother's to bring them dinner because he has pneumonia, then going back to my grandma's room since they admitted her for overnight watch just in case, it is all hitting me. I know grandma is ok and I know I will be ok, everything is just so scary because you never know when the end will be.