DB Friends, My W has been working on a decluttering the basement project this week. She has hired an unemployed friend to carry out items to the garage and curb for pick-up. The basement has become a storage area.
She's been talking about quitting smoking again. She made a commitment to quit this week, but looks like she didn't follow thru.
She and I attended the first night of our Hustle Formation team. She seemed to enjoy herself, and has been practicing the routine ever since. I've also joined her in trying to piece together the introduction to the routine. The song is from the movie Saturday Night Fever, and the moves have a John Travolta look to them. This will be a stretch for me, but I'm willing to try. The people on the team are our age, so it's a safe environment to practice letting go of inhibitions.
On the way out the door last night to go dancing, she yelled at me for having the stereo in CD mode, when she wanted to use it in Ipod mode. I lost my temper at her rudeness, and threw down my keys and dance bag. She stated that she doesn't have enough control in her life and needs more space of her own. She also wants me to take more initiative in cleaning, instead of having to be asked. She wants me to ask to sleep in HER bedroom, instead of just showing up.
I let her go to the dance venue by herself, and decided to stay home that night, even though I was missing out. I didn't want to bring negative energy to a public venue. I'm guessing she's worried about possible unemployment in several months, as her agency is waiting for a contract renewal from the state. She's also frustrated about not yet quitting smoking. Anything else lurking in her mind is a mystery to me.
I made the mistake one night during the week while dancing Samba with her of advising that she take a private lesson on the basic step. It was well intentioned but ill-timed. I've progressed further in ballroom than she has, so know what she still needs to learn. She took my comment as a criticism. I lapsed into being controlling in guiding her dance progress, and will pay some consequences for that comment.
I'll continue my centering and recreational activities to keep a healthy distance from her and keep the positives in my life. I'll make adjustments and try to meet her stated expectations, with the idea that I will fall short from time to time. I've told that I will treat her as a parent making a child go to school regarding the Hustle team. She made a commitment with that and will keep it. Beyond that, she can be involved in ballroom dancing to the extent she wants.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Hey buddy... You are doing great... I have one suggestion...
"She's also frustrated about not yet quitting smoking."
I don't know if I posted a link here if I would get kicked off so you are going to have to Google "pure Smoke" (make sure when it comes up you click on pure smoke and NOT pure Smoker There are other brands but this one is not as costly and works just as good.
Pure Smoke, LLC, based in San Jose, California distributes Electronic Cigarettes.
YOU DO NOT LIGHT THEM...PureSmoke e-cigarettes are a revolutionary new smoking alternative that looks, feels and tastes like a cigarette and gives smokers all the pleasure and satisfaction of traditional smoking without all the health, social and economic problems. The non-flammable PureSmoke is driven by modern microelectronic technology, a small rechargeable battery and a unique replaceable cartridge and membrane containing water, propylene glycol, nicotine, and a scent that emulates tobacco and other flavorings. (I used menthol) When using PureSmoke, the act of inhaling (smoking) produces the tactile and craving satisfactions smokers seek, and triggers a vaporizing process that releases simulated smoke which is actually a vapor mist that evaporates into the air within a few seconds. In summary, PureSmoke replicates the behavioral and physical pleasures of smoking. It is kind of like chewing Nicorett Gum … It helped me allot and there is NO STINKY smell it looks like smoke but it is just water vapor..
Sorry DB if I am not supposed to post stuff like this but if it helps someone in their marriage and piecing…. Doc
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
CL, looks like you take two steps forward and then one back. I don't understand your wife....one minute she is asking you to join her and then when you take the initiative she protests. You seem to manage your emotions better than most. Hope this next week goes smoothly!
Matilda, I think what I heard from her rant (though poorly articulated), was a desire for greater partnership and intimacy. I think she and I both struggle with the inner conflict of hope and doubt about the relationship. I think there will be some turbulence as the connection is strengthened and intimacy begins to deepen. Hopefully, there's enough positives to buffer the conflicts.
She's enjoying the Hustle Formation team a great deal. This plays to her strength of liking to perform. This will help to stretch me in working thru inhibition.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Doc and DB Friends, My W seems to be preparing to quit smoking. She has talked about it for a long time, but seems close to giving it a try. She told me recently that cigarettes give her energy. She's afraid that quitting smoking will give her less energy. I emailed her some information from a book I have that states that energy level will increase dramatically in the long-term if she quits.
She's having insomnia problems. It's hard to know what's contributing to the problem. She's cut down on caffeine and alcohol, and is still having problems. I'm guessing that nicotine plays some role in insomnia.
She's loving the dance formation team. We've practiced together almost every night the first part of the routine. She told some friends about it at our dance venue, and they asked us to perform. I felt prepared, so agreed. I can't believe I did it. The routine has me doing some John Travolta moves from Saturday Night Fever. My W has been beaming about that ever since. She said I wouldn't have agreed to it in the past.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
IT IS HARD to quit... Everything revolves around smoking for a smoker. You have a smoke "to get ready to start something" you take a break to have a smoke. When you are done you have a smoke to "reward yourself" Over and over again all through the day
I find that the biggest problem is BORDOM... You need to keep busy. I had cut WAY DOWN before I lost my job...But with not much to do.....started to smoke again. The E-Cigs have helped me but they are not really quitting. You are still getting nicotine. TO help her you guys need to do is CLEAN EVERYTHING...get rid of the smell. She may not notice it that much now but when you quit it smells like cookies in the oven to a smoker quitting Chose a date that she is going to quit and before that date get rid of every ash tray. Clean the ash tray in your car and take it to the car wash and have them clean out the inside and use that pretty smelling stuff to get rid of the odor in the car. I can tell you when you quit smoking… when the wind blows right you can smell someone having a cig in the next town 20 miles away… Also make sure there are NO BUTTS around the house. When you empty the ash trays (or throw them away) take out the trash… It sound discussing to non smokers but we will look through stuff to find a butt... (That is cigarette butt). Work with her giving her small rewards… After the first three days maybe a sweater...ok winter is over maybe a blouse… after a week dinner...or every Friday go out to dinner as a reward for not smoking that week... After a month ya gotta do something big because that is the turning point… Buy her a bag of sugarless suckers… it keeps your hands busy and gives her something to reach for when you want a smoke. Another thing you can do is keep a chart or write on the calendar every day the amount of money she would have spent on smokes...and with that money she should spend it on something she wants besides smokes… It adds up pretty fast…. One last thing…. If she slips and has one… That is ok (Do not tell her it’s ok before she does slip) she did not fail just needs to start again... Quitting that is…..If however she says to you or asks “I will just have one” tell her there is no such thing as having one. But please give her space, put up with her irritability... (Like you already don’t) and try to keep her busy... Like I said I have cut way down but as soon as I start school... (No word yet on the grant) I am going to quit again.
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Doc, There are some great tips in here, that I hadn't thought of, such as removing all traces of smoking in the house and cars. I will bring them up when the time is right. It's hard to know when to speak-up. I'll let her take the lead, and offer assistance as-needed.
For now, my contribution is to keep her busy with positive activity. She needs a push sometimes to get out of her computer chair and do something constructive. The dance team will add more activity to her life. I've been going out on the weekends to breakfast with her. I got her connected to my chiropractor and massage therapist, and she now goes weekly.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Doc, Matilda, Jak, and DB Friends, My W accompanied me to the ballroom chapter ball last night. It was her idea to go, to my surprise. She was ready to leave after an hour. She likes to dance every dance, and is lacking the skill and hasn't developed a network in the ballroom community. She's frustrated that my skill level isn't higher. It seems like she wants a partner with a broad level of skill across the dances, to get her thru the evening.
I've realized that it's impossible to meet her expectations, and can't take her words at face value. I can't work any harder than I am at my dancing. It is a process of skill development. I don't think she understands how difficult it is for a male to learn the skills.
People were puzzled as to why we were leaving so early. I was patient with her, even though I wanted to stay. I didn't think to drive separately. I wasn't going to send her home in a cab (though it was tempting). She complained in the car on the way home, about my lack of commitment to dancing. I kept quiet and tolerated it, because I knew she was wrong. After she winded down at home, she apologized for ending the evening prematurely.
She continues to enjoy the Hustle formation team. We both watched Saturday Night Fever with John Travolta to get an idea of the spirit of Hustle, so we can incorporate it into our routine. Our teacher said we got the moves, but lack the spirit. Hustle gives a dancer permission to be confident to the point of cocky and arrogant, like a peacock.
At our dance lesson yesterday, my W was talking to our instructors and another student about traveling to Florida. She mentioned to them about one of her trips in the past that she took with someone else. Her comment evoked a response, "Oh, it was one of those types of trips." I was embarrassed for her.
She reminded me that she would like for me to buy a tuxedo. I will keep an eye out for a sale.
I don't think there's anything I need to do differently regarding my dance habits. It seems likely, that as my W and I become more connected to others as a couple, that some of our history will be revealed to others. I don't have control over this. I find myself wanting to hold back from others, and not letting them get to know us as a couple.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Hey CL... You are doing great. Didn't "take the bait" on the way home and see... She "apologized for ending the evening prematurely" It amazes me you and your W dedication to dancing. I have to tell you ball room isn’t my thing but oh how I wish I could do that swing western dancing. But alas with my leg I need to settle for what I can do. The Wedding in next week and one of my 180s are I am planning on dancing EVERY dance. Goanna cut loose. I will be thinking about you two. Well got ta go and get ready for son's B-day party today... 13 my boy is not a little boy any more. Later Doc
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
