I do have a question regarding stbxH's family, and I could use some advice from those further along in their D's- I just got word from one of my sis in laws that stbx's family is having a birthday party for one of the kids later this afternoon. StbxH didn't mention it. The child's mother says I am welcome to come even though she hadn't called to invite me, because she just didn't know how to handle it.
Do I go? Stay away since stbxH didn't mention it? There are no plans for reconciling, but I don't relish losing a family I've been part of and loved for 21 years. Any advice is welcome- I don't know what to do.
SB: If it were me - I would not go. But that is just my situation. Some people can keep inlaw relationships going but most do not.
Would you feel better going? or not going? That is the real test question.
It's never easy. Every situation presents a new challenge. But your heart will tell you what to do. My ex would have resented my being there - that would have made my life more difficult.
SB, I read all your old threads a while back. Wow, you have been through a lot and are doing so well. Welcome to the neighborhood! Regarding the party, unless the person throwing the party invited you, I would advise to stay home. Sadly, for many people, losing the former in-laws is one of the casualties of divorce.
"You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." Jon Kabat-Zinn
The child's mother says I am welcome to come even though she hadn't called to invite me, because she just didn't know how to handle it.
Not knowing how to handle it, not knowing what to say to your extended family is tough, on both sides.
In my case, I didn't want to lose my relationship with my in-laws but accepted it may be a possibility. I definitely did NOT want my children to lose their connection with their cousins, aunts, uncles and grandmother.
A divorce wreaks havoc not just for the couple, not just for the children but for the whole extended family. No one knows what's right to do.
When talking to his sisters and mom, I'd say that I would like to still be involved but respected the importance of family. That I did not want to tread on anyone's toes. That I didn't want the kids to miss out on any family activities. That whatever worked for them, worked for me.
That removed any sense of conflict. This first year is going to be tough. Accept that everyone's nerves are frayed and no one really knows what to do.
Figure out what is right for you. For me, it was telling them they were important to me, that I respected the importance of his family being at his side during a difficult period. Then I sat back.
My kids kept in touch with their cousins. They'd come spend a few days together. I made sure never to say icky things. And things are settled now.
I think part of it is realizing that it's tough for everyone. Everyone loses in divorce. And with calm and patience, what is important with the whole family won't be lost.
It was a legitimate invitation, and I checked with stbxH to see if he minded me going. It's his family, and I definitely didn't want him feeling uncomfortable. He didn't mind at all, and even offered me a ride. I accepted his offer, since in this conversation I found out that S19 was angling to borrow my car tonight...
The party itself went fine, conversation stayed on safe topics like stuff going on with the kids, and I generally tried to stay inconspicuously in the background. On the way home, stbxH started a D conversation- he asked if I had anything ready in terms of a separation agreement. He was putting some numbers together himself, and already had the house appraised. He said "let's hash out as much as we can ahead of getting the L's involved."
I wasn't really expecting that, he caught me off-guard. I was waiting to get something from his atty, not having a face to face conversation. I really didn't want to talk to him directly. Anyways, I rattled off a few basic things- house equity, retirement accts, the remaining stock acct. I also told him that I ran us through the child-support software at work, and came up with a figure based on very close estimates. Spousal support is not by formula, and I didn't have a number to offer him. I really didn't want to tell him even if I did, I want to see what he offers first. I also mentioned that the county has a suggested holiday schedule for child custody, and that we both needed to attend the county's parenting seminar. His response to both was "do we really need that?" He figures with the holidays, we should easily agree on a schedule, and maybe the seminar was just for contested divorces. I don't know what to think about the holidays with the kids even if they are older- I just thought using the county's suggested schedule would negate having to have a discussion about it- I just don't want to talk to him if I don't have to. And yes, the parenting seminar is required for everybody- sorry, stbxH.
He ended it by saying he would forward his numbers to me soon. yippee?? yay??- blech...
Yeah, D conversations. The WAS just loves those don't they. Our D was going to be easy. Not. It's going to be a big mess.
I'd just tell him if he wants to get things done before getting L's involved then do it by email. That way he can't back out of stuff.
W agreed to several things in a meeting she insisted on. Then she met her L and went back on everything and said she felt like I tricked her into the meeting. I was trying to cancel because I don't want to talk about this stuff with her.
I'm glad the party went OK. I did Christmas with W this year. I don't think I'll ever do that again.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
I think part of it is realizing that it's tough for everyone. Everyone loses in divorce. And with calm and patience, what is important with the whole family won't be lost.
Just don't make folks choose sides. *hugs*
((()))^^^((()))
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
I think part of it is realizing that it's tough for everyone. Everyone loses in divorce. And with calm and patience, what is important with the whole family won't be lost.
As far as negotiating with your H, I would be very careful! We know he can be just a touch manipulative, I think there is a good chance that he'll try to back you into corners, and get you to agree to things that you might regret later. In some cases, trying to get most things figured out before there are lawyers involved might work great. In your case I would be very careful!
