I was recently talking to someone that's been playing neutral in this. I had told her that it bothers me that my wife and i have a marriage issue that can be repaired. The friend responded by telling me that the marriage situation wasn't repairable at this time because only one of us wants to repair it. I gave this some thought and realized she's correct.
it was at hat point that I realized I had to go NC and in a sense let my wife go. The friend is also the one that told me i shouldn't go home and want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with me, and that I deserved better than that. None of this makes me feel any better, it takes all hope I had away.
My daughter phoned me this morning and said how sad she was. She said she misses me and wants me home, but she knows things won't be the same when I return. I tried to calm her by telling her that we don't know how things will be when I return, but that we will be together. D14 said my W was telling someone that it's not official, but her and I may be getting a divorce.Mt D14 has asked her to not talk about these things in her presence, but she still does. My W tells my D14 that her and my D4 are her top concerns. How is this possible if this is how she acts, and the fact that she's concrete in this decision?
I've got people telling me that I need to contact my wife and ask her to please not be doing this in my D14 presence. I know she'll justt tell me mt D14 is just playing us, which is true to an extent, but my D14 is really upset. My W is thinking of no one but herself right now. I'm also afraid if I call my wife and ask her to not do this in front of my daughter it will come as demanding and controlling. How do I approach this situation,or do I just continue to comfort D14 and ignore W?
OK I'm going to give this to you straight because you're still discussing release letter nonsense - NO LETTERS. You are way too early in all of this to be writing letters and WAWs will not read anything in this letter and snap out of their fog. They're also not going to see that you're being understanding about all of this. They're in a state where they don't care, none of your words, no matter how well intentioned will reach them in the way that you intend them. You want to release her? Detach without writing a letter, let her be. Let her go.
As for your wife and how's she talking. I said it before that maybe there's another man in the picture, if there isn't, I think she's prepping for it. Going around announcing publicly that she's maybe getting divorced so that everyone knows she's going to be single, this a WAW reflex. But regardless of her intentions here, you need to focus on something more important. Her discussing divorce openly & publicly and in front of your kids without you being there. That's a huge boundary violation - how dare she discuss this matter with your kids without you being there, that's horrible and very disrespectful and look whats happening, she making her kids feel bad because of it. That's an announcement that should have been made by both of you together in the same room with your children so that they could hear it from both of you, be reassured that you both love them regardless of this and to answer any questions they have. If her daughters are her main concerns, she would be openly discussing in front of them & others that you two are going to get a divorce, she needs to smarten up and YOU need to tell her that. Your daughter isn't playing you and I'll tell you why, she didn't have to know about the divorce at all until you got back home, what was the use of telling her before you got back? This is another indicator that she's in her WAW fog and something's up, when they start putting their own needs ahead of their kids to the point where they disregard the impact of certain discussions in front of their children.
So scrap this letter idea, it was a bad idea to begin with. Get on the horn with the wife, tell her that regardless if she wants a divorce or not, it wasn't the correct thing to discuss in front of the kids without you being there. Stand up for yourself, you're allowed, you don't have to be an a$$hole or a prick but you do have to stand up for yourself, she's expecting you to be weak and docile and allow her to walk all over you during this time, it's a reflex they have when they go through this, they feel stronger than you, so much so that they start disrespecting you openly in front of you & others. No more divorce talk in front of the kids until you get back and then you will discuss it in person together with the kids!
