Sometimes they withdraw because they fear that they've allowed too much contact w/others, and other times, they withdraw to focus on themselves and what is going on in their little space. They have to have some time to digest what they've learned in the passing of time, so I would not be too concerned about the periods of noncommunication. Keep in mind that they do the quiet periods throughout the crisis and not just at the "withdrawal" stage and/or when they are reconnecting. Just like depression, the noncommunication times are in the mix throughout.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Well I need some advice about how to move this forward.
Apparently H has told D that he is now moving into OW house as her H has now just moved out. They have never lived together before other than the odd weekend. He has also told his aunt which means that as far as he is concerned this is permanent.
Not sure what all the reconnecting was about but there we are.
What is the next step for me. I know detach and GAL but should I be looking at boundaries. He currently has full access to the house whether I am here or not. He also states when he will visit the children. His motorbikes and engineering tools are in my garage.
Any advice would be welcome. Though I try not to be I am gutted by this revelation particularly that yet again my D has to tell me.
Libby, The reconnecting you witnessed where actually touch and gos. They do a lot of that and it usually is when they have moments of clarity. So expectations are at zero and keep them there.
As for him moving in w/ow, this should be very interesting because up till now it is only once in a while. What should you do about boundaries? How do you feel about him having full access to the house whenever he pleases? You may just come home one day and discover some things missing, etc. I would suggest that you set some boundaries and advise him that he is only to come over when you are home, i.e., call or text first. The same would apply to visitations w/the children. However, you are the only one that can decide what you feel is right for you and your situation.
Time for him to pack up his bikes and engineering tools and move them over to sweet cheeks. He needs to face the full reality of his soulmates' warts and all.
No matter how detached you are, it still hurts. Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks Snodderly for the clarity for me to make decisions about moving forward.
To be honest I thought he was up to something over the past week as he has looked so guilty I thought he had another holiday planned.
When you see glimpses of your old H it is so difficult to remember that he is not the old H but an alien.
As hard as it is he needs consequences for his decision now. I am going to set the boundaries about not entering my home without me being here. I don't trust him here and have found things missing before.Also tell him to move his bikes and engineering tools. I am also not going to give advice that he asks for the business. As he has moved inwith OW that should also be part of the package. The business is in crisis anyway due to the spend spend spend culture he is currently in.
I do have one worry in that he continues to pay the mortgage and bills for our home. If he withdraws that I am doomed.
She would come over and do laundry or hang out on the weekends, or sometimes stop by in the afternoon when I wasn't home.
I let it go for a while to see how things played out.
When I finally put a stop to it she became angry at first.She would say it's still her place and if she's paying for half she could come and go when ever she wanted to. I would tell her I understand, so if you want to stop paying for half, feel free.
I tried not to get upset and just calmly tell her what I could and couldn't handle. I made mistakes though.
She did test me.
We were still married so I couldn't legally change the locks or anything like that.
I got creative. The screen doors seemed to lock themselves and the darn code for the garage door happened to get changed.
She tried anger, then she would be nice. She did finally get the picture.
I guess the most important thing is that you look out for your well being. Don't let your fear of losing him keep you from doing that.
Just be kind, be honest to yourself and him, and be firm.
H mainpulation and lies are getting worse. The trouble is he is manipulating the children for his own selfish needs.
He came today to see the children and I decided not to be at home.
Whilst I was away he tried to convince S13 to go and stay in his flat with him and OW. S13 doesn't want to see her but is frightened to say no because he thinks his dad won't come to visit him. It doesn't matter how much I try to convince him otherwise he is stuck with this thought. Previusly H manipulated S16 into seeing OW and when he tried to get out of it H made him. I didn't know about this I thought S16 had made the decision himself. H asked S16 what he thought of her. He needs them to condone what he is doing.
D19 is extremely angry with her dad because her brother was distraught and I have made her promise not to ring or text him as I need thinking time.
I will be setting boundaries as he needs to know he can't come and go as he pleases. Unfortunately I have little movement with the children as the boys what him to visit here.
Since he moved in with OW his lies and deceit appear to be worse!
