Question

[awest1217]

I am having a hard day today. I am wondering if I am giving up too easy. I read some other sitches of people who have gone years waiting for their spouse, and for me it has only been a year. Am I giving in too soon? He doesn't want a D. I am the one pushing that.

On the other hand, there has been absolutely no progress since last year. We are in exactly the same position as last year, except now I am the one wanting a D. H isn't asking at all for me to not file. He isn't doing anything. He never has done anything so why should I keep fighting when he has never once tried to fight for me? He hasn't paid child support this month, probably to catch up on his bills and to go to North Carolina, and I just can't keep living my life wondering if he is goign to help me. I am ok for the next month because I get an extra pay in April, and i will now file my taxes and get the refund, where H is going to have to pay back a bunch because he isn't going to claim the house, S, the offerings I pay to church, etc. All the stuff I have paid all year I am not letting him claim so he has to pay a bunch in. He not changed one bit in a year. I thought he was being honest with me, which would be a huge change, but the text last week proves he hasn't. I have to keep thinking that although a family with a mom and dad is best for S, I don't want S to pick up on H's bad habits.

I am just kind of sad today and I expected the roller coaster of emotions because we have been together for 11 years, married 4 and have S together so of course it is going to be hard to let him go. It hurts even more that he is not willing to just say he is going to drop everything and fight for me and S, but he isn't. This week I want to write a letter to his parents and get that sent early this week so they have it before next weekend when I want his stuff out of here. I also want to have a custody agreement written out so if H is ok with it, we will both sign and that means less time for the lawyer because we will already have everything worked out. I am thinking every other weekend and one evening a week. I don't want S spending the night during the week because he needs his sleep and consistency. Then for holidays do every other holiday except the two major religious ones. For christmas, his family always does Christmas eve and mine Christmas day so I figure we will split S that way, and I always want him on Easter Sunday morning so he can go to church. I feel like King Solomon trying to split a child, and it is killing me. I would rather S be fully with one of us instead of splitting. I guess that is the love of a mother. Of course I have no clue if he will even want visitation because H told me numerous times if we divorce he didn't want S at all. We will see if H even meets with me to get this taken care of.