Well guys, I am truly a person who learns best when I can actually feel for myself what is happening. For the past couple of weeks I have really been learning about affairs, why they start and what they do to your brain. All along in my situation I had known of the OM and that something was up. Honestly, I do not think that my W even knew she had OM until a couple of months ago when I called her on it.
First a little background info. A couple of months prior to the bomb is when I began to think something was going on. A new CEO had started at her work and she would come home talking about how he said she did such a good job there and other compliments. She would also say things like "OM moved his office by me and asked me "do you think everyone will start talking about us?"" I had other clues such as her pulling away, our not finding much joy in the things we usually like, and general distancing in sex and conversation. There was additional clues like her working much longer hours and going to events after work with her co-workers. At the time, their was a major shake up going on at her work and they were in the process of firing the CEO. She was also taking a online financing class (other man was also taking the class). So with all of this going on, I stepped back, allowed her to have her time with her co-workers and OM to get some of her stuff figured out.
One of the biggest clues that I missed dealt with her talking about affairs in an acceptable light. She began to say that her friend/ co-worker says "everyone has an affair". I told her that I don't and that I have absolutely no desire to. She would hang out with this person more (this person had had multiple Pa's, an EA and had just gone through a borderline D path with husband (my guess is that she would have went D if her OM hadn't dumped her and she also found out her H had a couple encounters of his own) and this became one of our main discussion topics. Anyhow, the foundation was laid for her to go towards this path. (IMHO this was all completed in her subconscious)
Fast forward through my sitch, initially I pursued and pushed her away. She did have a moment of reconcilliation that I squashed when I completely flooded her with my love and scared her right back. (in hindsight, I am glad that wasn't the end, because I hadn't changed yet and that our relationship would have been set up for failure once again). About 7 weeks into it, I began to detach, and was not very kind to her because I needed my space. This pushed her right towards OM as they began discussing their dissatisfaction with their marriages. I could feel it immediately. This was the true fear of loss that made me change.
So as our journey continued, we grew farther and farther apart. I heard all the typical WAW language. The kids are resilient, I want to be happy, You are this, this and that. I don't need that anymore. Lately it has been "i never loved you. This comment finally let me know that the affair had reached "raging" stage.
So, I decided that I really need to figure out what I am up against here. First I start with stats. Only 10% of Affairs lead to marriage. Of them 70% will end in divorce. figure in 1/2 percent long term separation and that only 1/2 of marriages are truly happy. There is a 1.5% chance that this is really a guy she could be happy with. Love is not built on lies and deceit. This is the forbidden fruit. Eat it and prepare for the consequences. If something seems to good to be true, it probably is. Well none of this matters, it is nice for me to know, but does nothing else.
getting a little long winded, so I am going to break it up
me 31 her 31 ilybinilwy 10-2-09 i moved out 12-13-09 boy 7 girl 3 boy 16 months
