She Say's She Want's Out Of The Marriage

[Surviving03]

Ok the whole first paragraph has to go, if I were to re-write your letter I would say something like this:

I am writing you this letter, not to try to change your mind or your feelings, but to just let you know that I understand where you’re coming from and that I get it. I know things haven’t been right for some time now. Our marriage and life hasn’t turned out the way that either of us expected it to. I know we haven’t discussed all the issues yet, but the bottom line is neither of us wants to be in a failing marriage. I want us both to be happy whether we’re together or not.

You have given me a huge wake up call and I’m thankful that you did. I’ve been doing alot of self assessing and realized there are many things I need to work on. I understand that I have trust and jealousy issues and regardless of what happens with us, I want to make these changes for me and make these changes permanent. I do not want to continue having those issues in any relationship, now or in the future. Whether we stay together or not, I will not in any way regret the past 17 ½ years we had together and I am very thankful for our two beautiful daughters.

Thats all I would say. If you have any further insight as to other problems she has in the M maybe you could throw those in there just to cover all the issues that you do know she has. But your previous version still sounded too clingy and desperate. It just has to be about validating that yes there are problems, yes you are right there are problems. Because what we tend to try to do is make it seem like yes there are problems BUT they arent that bad or yes there are problems BUT they arent that big of a deal, etc... and even though that is how we feel about the problems that is clearly not how they feel, so in our desperate attempts to get them to stay with us we try to change their mind and THAT pushes them further away, like we just dont get it. So all you want to express is that you DO get it. As soon as I did that, i think it made my H more comfortable to talk to me and now he tells people instead of yes I am divorcing her, he now says, now i dont know what im going to do... thats a big turn around, obviously its not there yet and i still have alot more work to do... but its progress none the less. It might make you feel like you are saying yup you know what this marriage sucked, and that would make them agree and want to leave even more, but it doesnt have that effect. They want to be heard and understood, not convinced that what they are feeling is wrong. I would wait and send your letter in a week or so after having no contact.