She Say's She Want's Out Of The Marriage

[tbart01]

Unfortunately it's been very difficult to concentrate on my task at hand. I wish I wasn't taking it like this, but I'm absolutely consumed with what's going on.

It was my idea to discuss the financial plan, because it's been ignored. there's some things we need to make happen in order for us to be able to do this. I know she's talking about ending this, but I still need to inform her of some of the ideas I have to free up some funds. Unfortunately it involves me dipping into my retirement, selling our boat, and trading in my truck for a cheaper one. Everything is in our name, so it needs to be hashed out.

The way she makes it sound, we won't have the opportunity to discuss anything when I get home. For some reason she's afraid to see me. You saw where she wants to drop me off and go. She doesn't want me to talk her out of anything. I'm way beyond that at this point. i don't contact her unless she contacts me, and I've removed my wedding ring.

[robx]

The way she makes it sound, we won't have the opportunity to discuss anything when I get home. For some reason she's afraid to see me. You saw where she wants to drop me off and go. She doesn't want me to talk her out of anything. I'm way beyond that at this point. i don't contact her unless she contacts me, and I've removed my wedding ring.

Here's the deal, you are letting her lead the show here and you're just going along with it and it's something pretty much all LBH's do. You feel that if you just let go of the need to lead, to set the direction, that your WAW's will be more receptive, loving, caring and change their minds because of this new change in you but it is the wrong thing to do.

If she wants to leave you, fine.
That's should be your attitude.
But she's going to have to see you eventually and spend some time talking about certain matters in person.

I would call or text her and tell her this,
"I've changed my mind, I just can't find the time or mental focus to discuss the financial matters while I'm over here. I have to be honest that I can't think about this the right way while I have so much going on over here, this will unfortunately have to wait until I get back."

Honestly I really don't understand the need you both have to discuss the financial matters such as dipping into your retirement (don't do it), selling the boat (sure maybe but probably a bad idea in this economic environment) and trading in your truck for a cheaper one (cool). Seriously what would be the use? What will this achieve by being discussed over the phone? Why can't this be discussed when you get home? Heck you want to talk about all of this over the phone when you get back, knock yourselves out!

Or is this an excuse you have just to talk to her for an extended period of time? Again I'm just saying that I don't see why it makes any difference, why can't you just leave it till you get back home?

You will have the opportunity to discuss this and many things when you get back home - because that's YOUR call, it can't just be about what's convenient for her, get that out of your mind.

That part about her being afraid to see you, what's up with that? You've been gone for several months and she doesn't even want to see you at all? Seriously, something's going on - either with her or with you, something isn't adding up properly here.

[tbart01]

i really want to wait until I get home to have this conversation, but i was thinking of doing some of these things before i leave. I was actually having this conversation as a final talk. I haven't been, nor do i plan to call her between now and the time i get home. i really don't like extended talks with her right now, that's why I don't even bother to call.

I was actually given the advice to call and set up this conversation by a close friend going through the same thing. the difference is the person giving me the advice is the WAW in her relationship. I keep getting advice from all different directions and that's what makes it hard.

I don't quite understand the point of not seeing me right away either. She said some time ago she's afraid of me changing her mind. I'm really confused by this as well. I know what you're thinking, and I've explored that avenue. I have confirmation from multiple sources that's not the situation.

I may wait to have this talk, I'm not sure it's difficult to decide. Like I said there's a few things I wanted to get the ball rolling on before I get home.

[tbart01]

I was recently talking to someone that's been playing neutral in this. I had told her that it bothers me that my wife and i have a marriage issue that can be repaired. The friend responded by telling me that the marriage situation wasn't repairable at this time because only one of us wants to repair it. I gave this some thought and realized she's correct.

it was at hat point that I realized I had to go NC and in a sense let my wife go. The friend is also the one that told me i shouldn't go home and want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with me, and that I deserved better than that. None of this makes me feel any better, it takes all hope I had away.

My daughter phoned me this morning and said how sad she was. She said she misses me and wants me home, but she knows things won't be the same when I return. I tried to calm her by telling her that we don't know how things will be when I return, but that we will be together. D14 said my W was telling someone that it's not official, but her and I may be getting a divorce. Mt D14 has asked her to not talk about these things in her presence, but she still does. My W tells my D14 that her and my D4 are her top concerns. How is this possible if this is how she acts, and the fact that she's concrete in this decision?

I've got people telling me that I need to contact my wife and ask her to please not be doing this in my D14 presence. I know she'll justt tell me mt D14 is just playing us, which is true to an extent, but my D14 is really upset. My W is thinking of no one but herself right now. I'm also afraid if I call my wife and ask her to not do this in front of my daughter it will come as demanding and controlling. How do I approach this situation,or do I just continue to comfort D14 and ignore W?

[tbart01]

Anyone?

[Surviving03]

you really need to read DR.... it tells you very clearly in there that you cannot listen to friends and family. They do not want to see you hurt and they cannot understand the situation and they will more often than not tell you things like your friend told you. Of course that is discouraging. Only you know when you should give up and nobody else knows that. In fact, you can read the first chapter of the book where it talks about this on this website, go to the open forums page and you should see Divorce Remedy and in there it has the first chapter. I suggest that you have no contact and wait to get the book, read it, and then proceed with a plan. I think that even though you dont feel like your actions are pursuing, you still have a little bit of pursuing tendencies in you. I know that this whole thing consumes you every day all day, it consumes me as well. But I think once you get your hands on that book you will understand this a little better and feel more confident that you CAN turn this around.

[tbart01]

Thank you meghunny, still waiting for the book to arrive. Other than getting rid of the first paragraph, what otheer improvements should I make to my letter. and when is it not to early? Her and I have been dealing with this for two months now. If i send it now, would it be considered pursuing or too early? So much confusion it's killing me.

[Surviving03]

Ok the whole first paragraph has to go, if I were to re-write your letter I would say something like this:

I am writing you this letter, not to try to change your mind or your feelings, but to just let you know that I understand where you’re coming from and that I get it. I know things haven’t been right for some time now. Our marriage and life hasn’t turned out the way that either of us expected it to. I know we haven’t discussed all the issues yet, but the bottom line is neither of us wants to be in a failing marriage. I want us both to be happy whether we’re together or not.

You have given me a huge wake up call and I’m thankful that you did. I’ve been doing alot of self assessing and realized there are many things I need to work on. I understand that I have trust and jealousy issues and regardless of what happens with us, I want to make these changes for me and make these changes permanent. I do not want to continue having those issues in any relationship, now or in the future. Whether we stay together or not, I will not in any way regret the past 17 ½ years we had together and I am very thankful for our two beautiful daughters.

Thats all I would say. If you have any further insight as to other problems she has in the M maybe you could throw those in there just to cover all the issues that you do know she has. But your previous version still sounded too clingy and desperate. It just has to be about validating that yes there are problems, yes you are right there are problems. Because what we tend to try to do is make it seem like yes there are problems BUT they arent that bad or yes there are problems BUT they arent that big of a deal, etc... and even though that is how we feel about the problems that is clearly not how they feel, so in our desperate attempts to get them to stay with us we try to change their mind and THAT pushes them further away, like we just dont get it. So all you want to express is that you DO get it. As soon as I did that, i think it made my H more comfortable to talk to me and now he tells people instead of yes I am divorcing her, he now says, now i dont know what im going to do... thats a big turn around, obviously its not there yet and i still have alot more work to do... but its progress none the less. It might make you feel like you are saying yup you know what this marriage sucked, and that would make them agree and want to leave even more, but it doesnt have that effect. They want to be heard and understood, not convinced that what they are feeling is wrong. I would wait and send your letter in a week or so after having no contact.

[jasper67]

tbart, sorry this is happening...

why do you feel the need to write the letter? You've told her this already haven't you?

I would wait on it...I've only skimmed your sitch so forgive me if I missed why the letter is important.

I agree w/ Rob, the financial stuff will need to wait. If she has questions she can e-mail you...good job on the NC...it's a better place to be...i'm right there w/ you.

W moves out today, I slept like 2 hours and not feeling very PMA...

All will be Ok

[tbart01]

meghunny thank you for the assistance on the letter. I can't help but to write things that appear clingy, because obviously I'm still trying to hang on a bit.

I have told her these things maynard2121, but I've also followed up with the wrong things to say. I have appeared clingy at times. I wan't her to realize that I'm willing to move on with this, and not hold her back on her decision. I've heard that she feels I'm not going to be cooperative and make this difficult.

Maybe the letter isn't important, but it's not like me to write the things that are in the letter meghunny suggested. It's more like me to apologize, agree to change, and give hope for the future. At this point I really don't know what to do. My gut and heart are saying twio totally different things.

I want her to know I ackowlege issues in the marriage. However, in all reality I still don't agree they're divorce warranted, but the rality is she feels that way. I thought the letter would give her some comfort in knowing I won't make this difficult.

No I don't want the divorce or the seperation, but the reality is what it is. I can't change her feelings without changing the behaviors and attitudes she feels is wrong. As we all know these are very confusing situations for us all.