Thanks Allen...unfortunately I just got back from dinner; so I dont have time to get it to a neutral spot. I'm gonna pack up what I can so the move doesnt take long.
W and I went back and forth via text.
M- I've been thinking, if you're unwilling to end your affair you should take all your things tomorrow.
W- I will take all my things
M- why would you lie then?
W- what did I lie about?
M- how can you pretend to be taking time for yourself while having an affair?
W- my relationship is not involved, I have plenty of time for myself.
M- Your affair hurts me deeply; I cannot speak to you until its over. I married you for life. When you are willing to address the issues of the M we can talk...take care
I'm embarrassed to put this here b/c I know its probably not right, but I want to be honest about the sitch.
Dinner was basically ruined for me- I was completely in my head, wondering how the heck I got to where I am and what the heck is wrong w/ W that she can't see how easy things are to address.
She's ade her work life SO important that I faded out into the background, then she cut me out.
No matter now, I suppose- this is where I am.
I see all of my issues and even hers, but I cannot fix her, only me.
I hate it b/c we are right for one another, b/c our issues are so similar- I had great cinversation a=over dinner w/ 2 of my friends...not typical guy talk, but rather issues regarding core trauma and addressing issues of the psyche...conversations that escaped W and I for 6 years...always glossing over things and never having deep emotional conversations.
I know next time will be different, will be better...I hoped to only M once and it bothers me that I've learned what I have too late for this M.
I know that I will have less regret than W b/c yes I see the issues now, but have been willing to address them and salvage something...that should make me feel better, but it does not.
ALL 2x4s WELCOMED...sorry to let you guys down, I'm fairly confident that the texts were inappropriate.
Also, I learned yet again that seeing or speaking to W only hurts me- I was hoping after 2 weeks of not seeing her I would have had more detchment and be less apt to being hurt...sadly thats not the case
Detachment is NOT supposed to be like a two week vacation and you go back for more abuse.
You are supposed to protect yourself until your wife grows up, or until divorce is easy for you and in no way painful.
The texts should not have happened at all no... you knew that.
And do NOT pack up her things FOR HER so the move is faster.. toss them in a box and throw them someplace...
DO NOT let her USE YOU.. NOW she has you using her to PACK her THINGS... she knows if she takes her time, YOU will pack for her... don't be a damn fool.
And I think puppy's right, stop calling it an affair, call it infidelity, it has a lot more negative tone to it.
Stop talking to your wife, you know its useless.
Do NOT expect that it will take you just two weeks to detach and have an objective exchang with her.
I am going to prescribe you at LEAST a six to nine month protection phase before you can have an exchange with her where you can STOP her when she tries to use you or hurt you.
Right now you are WAY TOO VULNERABLE to deal with her... and you seem to refuse to take a friend with you to protect you either... STOP the EXCHANGE.. get her crap out of your house.. ASAP
shes here at 10am w/ the truck, I have no way of getting things somewhere else...my friend has agreed to come over for the move...I really dont want to be here at all for it...on the other hand I am tempted to PMA and assist w/ the move.
I dont want to be here alone b/c I'm tempted to give MIL a piece of my mind...basically tell her that in a year or so, she will deal w/ W's regret and wish she had been a better influence by challenging W to try something different-am I projecting or what?!
None of this shirt should even concern me, what the heck is my problem?
NC was so much better- I felt better, etc...I have anxiety just knowing I have to see W again tomorrow.
I want to do everything wrong- pursue, pressure, teach, yell, and I am not one to yell.
I understand that letting go is the name of the game-
Allen- I'm not following your prescription for 6-9mnths...are you saying go NC for that long?
Cant sleep a wink...probably gonna look like shirt for her move...ugh.
Not going to pursue or be a d&*k...PMA and strictly business...once everythings gone going NC.
Cant believe this is happening, I knew it was coming down the road, but now its in 5 hours.
Haven't seen MIL in a year...dont know how well I can fake being pleasant around her...
Starting to believe that the M never stood a chance, starting to think I was used from day one. W gets a business out of the deal, and in turn the dream she always wanted and a while slew of friends...I get nothing- just an XW and some heartache.
D is a funny thing...perhaps one of the most difficult times in someone's life- the funny part is its the one painful experience where you cannot rely on support from your spouse...
Gonna try to get a game of golf in hopefully by noon or so...tomorrow I will be free of the pop-ins, the "favors", the vortex...I'm sure I'll still think about her, but I no longer have to wonder if I'll see her car in the drive.
I'm really effing depressed, this is not what I want, I would do anything to stop it. I dont want to sound selfish, but seriously this is perhaps the most unecessary loss I've ever witnessed...I know it goes for most sitches as well.
I need to walk away just as quickly as W is...I feel like there was never anything there between us now...like she was always going to leave...no therapy, no communication, no pleading on her part to have things be better...how can she act as though she ever cared about the M if these things NEVER happened?!
I wish I could forget her all together, I wish there was no room for her in my head or heart...she haunts me...I am the one thinking about turning back time, I am the one thinking about every last interaction or scanning our history for hints and clues...I'm the only one left who cares or has hope. I'm the only one saying shoulda or coulda...
This has to shift...I need to focus on reality...on the now.
Nothing from the past matters...
I want to tell W these things-
That I will remember her as having used me, as never caring enough about the M to suggest MC, or even communicate her needs or displeasure. That she never loved me and that this was always going to happen b/c she never let me in. That i will be better off w/o her and I am happy to have her out of my life.
I'm sorry you're having such a rough night. I hear you on not looking forward to tomorrow. I think having your friend there will help you resist saying something you will later regret to WAW and MIL. Don't let your very real grief lead you into the trap of thinking that WAW and MIL determine your future happiness. They don't. PMA will probably make you feel better about yourself tomorrow night. Hey, you can always get on the phone or send a letter if you feel hellbent to vent in the near future. You don't need to do it in front of MIL and your friend tomorrow. And of course your WAW deserves it. But you'll feel more dignified later if you don't, because once you open those floodgates, it can go any which way. LOL. Try to get some rest.
thanks for checking in on me...I am very unpredictable in these sitches...I have a hard time not coming off as cold...I just want it to be over w/ already...I know that WAW placed me in charge of her happiness and thats why shes leaving..and I know that now I'm putting her in charge of my happiness...this "power struggle" is absurd.
The happy median, I feel, is working together at being happy as indivicuals while staying M. I know that it's a possibilty if she would let it.
UGH- I need to heed my own advice and look at my sitch as though it were someone elses.
i'll try to keep that in mind tomorrow...that's probably the best way to go about it...stay removed enough to be able to think clearly and do what we know we should do.
Again thanks for the words of encouragement, I'm gonna try to sleep for 3 hrs.
That I will remember her as having used me, as never caring enough about the M to suggest MC, or even communicate her needs or displeasure. That she never loved me and that this was always going to happen b/c she never let me in. That i will be better off w/o her and I am happy to have her out of my life.
None of it is true though
That is very moving, Maynard. Unfortunately, people do change. I am sure she did love you. And for now, that has changed. If you don't want to completely shut the door on a reconciliation, don't say those things. Let the good in your memory stay good. Whether she recognizes it or not.
Thanks for checking in Lotus- I definately will not say those things b/c I don't believe them myself. I do love W very much and even when didn't have the "in love" feelings, I still loved her very much. That's what makes it so difficult to understand why someone can end something b/c they dont have the "in love" feelings.
I know that smart cookies post pretty much summs up the gradual effects of resentments and dissappointments...so I suppose I can understand the heartache involved then the numbing and anger.
I want to be open to Reconsiliation- it just seems foolish to even make mention of that.
I want to be open to Reconsiliation- it just seems foolish to even make mention of that.
that's because it is foolish!
Maynard - we have shared our situations and support for one another in the past 30 days and I wish you the strength and conviction that I am gaining while my situation unfolds.
You have to turn the spigot of pain off before you can gather what's left of your self esteem and move forward. You do this by learning to cope with things you cannot change.
Sure, it sucks. Yes, it hit you out of left field. Indeed, this was not the way it was supposed to be.
With that said - it is and your are.
Accept and move forward.
Go back to a time prior to your wife. Grab hold of that time and start to eliminate useless do-nothing time in your life. At first, its going to be difficult to see the benefit of keeping your mind busy - but you will - and days will go by where you are actually feeling confident about yourself.
My situation hasn't change much over the past few weeks but I have.
I no longer find it acceptable to be pissed off by my situation.
I no longer find it acceptable to spend time alone doing nothing.
I no longer find it acceptable to choose to be in a crappy mood all day.
Yes, the pain is still there but my outlook and attitude is changing.
Why?
Because the only thing I can control is changing is myself.
I have started working out and spending more time with my son and both of those things have made me a better, healthier person.
I've come around w/ the GAL-ing, and although still emotionally up and down it is when I see or speak to W that I get twisted.
I am so ANXIOUS right now and it sucks that she can have that effect on me. I've neve been one to have anxiety, but this is something else all together.
