Good morning, CW; jumped on to check on you this morning.
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Got home and the kids said he had been rummaging looking for an mp3 charger so am thinking he may have see my DB book and or the budget/finances that I had been working on...don't know that for sure...it also had my notes from DB coach in it...wondering if that was really what he was looking for?
Doubt he was looking for that stuff with the fog/whatnot, it's kinda out of sight out of mind; but try not to let him stumble over that stuff...it's ALWAYS taken wrong, no matter what we KNOW it's for. They sometimes do their own brand of "snooping"...even though my husband had OW, he was looking hard at me....and I hadn't done a thing. And because I hadn't and didn't done/do anything, it seemed to make things worse. I hid EVERYTHING from him that had to do with MLC Resources and all.
Your husband has moved out, and has filed for a divorce, CW; he really doesn't have the right to be rummaging anywhere in your house..he needs to call and ask you if he needs something.
Doesn't matter if he yells and screams about that if you choose to confront...that would be part of his consequences if you did...it appears to me that he's rummaging AS IF he STILL lives there, and really does need to be called on it, if he repeats the episode; especially if needing something from you.
I realize you might not want to say anything right now in the frame of mind he's in..but if you CATCH HIM directly...now that would be a different story.
Yet, you know your situation better than anyone..and you would know/have an idea of how he'd react to you.
Question here; what would you do about something similar in the past? Do you confront, or do you let it go all of the time?
These are "180" question thoughts.
IMHO, when he left the household, took on OW, and filed for a divorce, that changed the rules entirely...he would NOT be very happy if you did this to him, so why do this to you?
And he was with the kids, well, now that tells me a great deal there...he took advantage of them..to them he is still "Dad"..and therefore not to be questioned.
Sneaky people, MLC'ers think they are...
I'm just talking off the cuff....maybe you'll get something out of these ramblings.
This would become a "boundary" situation, ESPECIALLY if he allows the divorce to go through. It is up to you, whether to confront him, or let it go until the divorce is final, if he allows it to go that far. But my thoughts are, the sooner he is allowed to face his consequences, the sooner he will realize, even though he may rant and rave, that things HAVE changed, and he is NO LONGER a "part" of the family; he has chosen his path.
What do you think, as I cannot tell you what to do, only post what I'm thinking?
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Apparently he is going to help SS28 pull out carpet tomorrow. I am amzed...he didn't say anything to the kids about spending time with them this weekend..they said he might stop by tomorrow!
Take that with a grain of salt, this being between him and the children and just watch; sometimes that is all you can do. Expectations at ZERO..that way if he doesn't follow through, the disappointment is not there. If he does come by and spend time with the children, that would be great. If not, then let it go; you cannot make him do this.
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Also, he made a comment to them about "doesn't Mom cook anymore?" because I had taken them to get burgers last night afterwork since I was beat and cupboards were basically empty until I got paid and groceries today! Grrrr...
Reasonable question, but also tells me he was "rummaging" in several places, not just one. Thinks he's sneaky, does he? Let this one go, CW..you KNOW the truth, and that is the only thing that matters here.
Don't take ANYTHING he says/does personally..continue to detach and distance from his drama; treating him like the stranger from up the street; being polite to him; though you'd like to tear his throat out. I remember those days, believe me, I do.
Breathe in, girl, Breathe out; it's ok. Don't allow him to upset you. It's not worth all that.
Remember it's MLC, and therefore confusing in itself.
Have a great weekend.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
Hi HB! Yes, I was a little upset yesterday but slept on it and doing ok today!
No, I don't think he was looking for that stuff but may have stumbled on it! Yes, he did take advantage of the kids being here. I was at work. I am positive that he wouldn't like it if I did that to him!
In the past, when he has done something big, like go out and buy a motorcycle, I have confronted him. I would talk about finances and point out that it seemed like he always got what he wanted and I was always waiting for my turn to get something that I needed/wanted. So...usually made it about me. If it was smaller, I probably pouted and would say "nothing" if he asked what was wrong. I don't like admitting that!
You are right about the boundaries...
I have a back up plan for the kids if H doesn't show..we will go do something fun!
I have food in the house now and have a pot of chili on so if he does stop by he can smell it...lol!
Thanks for checking on me and you have a great weekend too!!!
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So, H was just here and was Mr Jabberjaw! Said he is supposed to work OT again tonight. Said he'd take our dog to the vet if I made the appt (she has a lump that is growing bigger) and gave me cash for dog food and said to call if we needed anything....and he hoped to take the kids next weekend.
yep
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In the past, when he has done something big, like go out and buy a motorcycle, I have confronted him. I would talk about finances and point out that it seemed like he always got what he wanted and I was always waiting for my turn to get something that I needed/wanted. So...usually made it about me. If it was smaller, I probably pouted and would say "nothing" if he asked what was wrong. I don't like admitting that!
I used to be like that, but not anymore. It was part of the changes I effected. No one wants to admit their mistakes, and I was the SAME way.
My self-mirror, when thrown up, was awful to look in, but I forced myself to see what I really was, and I was sick at heart about it. But made positive changes over time, worked on me, and made the changes permanent. It took time, as everything usually does, but I became a much better person than I was before, taking care of myself better than I did beforehand.
I could say NO, and feel fine about it, instead of guilty...I learned I could not save the world, becoming able to allow others to fall and bump their heads if that was what it took...I learned to no longer "enable" someone in bad behavior...I learned to say yes to the good, no to the bad; setting proper boundaries.
I stopped getting mad so easily, realizing that I CHOSE my reactions to others, they didn't "make" me anything..no one could make me happy, sad, etc.
In essence, I learned to be peaceful about things, even if someone else was getting angry, or spiteful. But, I didn't feel I was getting even, when I stood up for myself.
Most important of all, I learned not only to forgive others, but I learned to forgive ME, also, for being human, and left my guilt, shame and mistakes behind...and though I still make mistakes, I take responsibility for those mistakes, make amends when needed, forgive ME, and go on with my life; knowing I've done all I can do.
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So, H was just here and was Mr Jabberjaw! Said he is supposed to work OT again tonight. Said he'd take our dog to the vet if I made the appt (she has a lump that is growing bigger) and gave me cash for dog food and said to call if we needed anything....and he hoped to take the kids next weekend.
Well, you know the story, take it ALL with a grain of salt, if he does what's promised, thank him and go on..if not, your expectations were at zero, anyway, and you know you can't depend on him to follow through.
Jabberjaw, huh? Wasn't he quiet before?
Have a good Saturday night.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
I am reading what you wrote and omgosh is it true of my sitch too! I would once in ahwile take a stand and say no (if he actually asked before he bought something) and then I would feel guilty and back down. I didn't want to be like his ex who he said controlled all the money and would never let him get what he wanted!
I also tended to get mad easily and then do the silent treatment. I don't want to be that way anymore!
I just let him jabber on yesterday and did a nodding etc. One thing I thought later about was that H had also mentioned that he was "not above" coming and splitting some more wood and I told him that I had ordered more propane and that as long as he was working 7 days/week that it I wouldn't ask him to do that. Maybe I should have let him do that?
Now I do have a question...I do want to discuss our financial situation with him and yes, it is in hopes that he will slow down the D. As I have said, I will not be able to afford the house payment on my own and am getting more money from him now than I would with just child support. I would like to call him and ask for a meeting to discuss them. I want to show him that we owe more than what we could sell our house for. I have taken all the bills and split them 50/50 (with the exception of his car/cycle payments as unless he wants to sell those, he will have to continue to take those over or sell them). I am not sure that he realizes all of this, I am prepared that he may not care one way or the other. I just feel that I need to put it out there... I have thought of just mailing him the stuff too. Any advice?
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I just let him jabber on yesterday and did a nodding etc. One thing I thought later about was that H had also mentioned that he was "not above" coming and splitting some more wood and I told him that I had ordered more propane and that as long as he was working 7 days/week that it I wouldn't ask him to do that. Maybe I should have let him do that?
The more he will do, the more you need to back down in that way and let him do. For each responsibility you remove, the more he's not doing...and the funny thing is he "needs to be needed", whereas before you've handled everything haven't you?
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Now I do have a question...I do want to discuss our financial situation with him and yes, it is in hopes that he will slow down the D. As I have said, I will not be able to afford the house payment on my own and am getting more money from him now than I would with just child support. I would like to call him and ask for a meeting to discuss them. I want to show him that we owe more than what we could sell our house for. I have taken all the bills and split them 50/50 (with the exception of his car/cycle payments as unless he wants to sell those, he will have to continue to take those over or sell them). I am not sure that he realizes all of this, I am prepared that he may not care one way or the other. I just feel that I need to put it out there... I have thought of just mailing him the stuff too. Any advice?
Your intuition is right there, advising you..and you go with it, CW. Don't mail anything to him, and I'll tell why I think this way. As I remember, the MLC'er has severe comprehension problems when it comes to anything the LBS puts before them, why, other than LBS is the enemy, I don't know. They seem to function fine in their work world; though they have some troubles there from time to time. It seems that everything the LBS does or doesn't do is construed as control and the MLC'er runs farther away.
I, like you, am fairly sure your husband doesn't realize the extent of debt that is there, but be prepared for anything and everything. It is part of his consequences to be shown where this is going if he persists in continuing this divorce, but you'll need to get a grip on yourself, and just talk to him in a calm, matter of fact way, not a confrontational tone.
But, all you can do is put these things on the table before him; it would have to be done sometime or another; so now, is as good of a time as any to put this on the table in front of him.
Be prepared, either way.
The rest, is up to you.
Have a good one.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
Yep! I figured I messed up on the wood thing. I am sure something else will come up that he will be needed for!
I think I am prepared for whatever may happen. H has never been good with money. He was in debt when I met him, spending more than what he was making and behind on child support! So thankful that cs is now automatically deducted from his check! I will get everything organized and maybe run a conversation by you guys before I speak with him.
Got D11, who was soooo boorred in the kitchen to make cookies and am helping her with the first couple of batches then will head upstairs and finish sanding cracks and on to primer the walls! Dreary cloudy day out so a good day for that! S14 is over at SS28's playing video games!
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I think I am prepared for whatever may happen. H has never been good with money. He was in debt when I met him, spending more than what he was making and behind on child support! So thankful that cs is now automatically deducted from his check! I will get everything organized and maybe run a conversation by you guys before I speak with him.
Oh my God, this is getting weirder and weirder; my husband was the SAME way, although this was a first marriage for both of us.
Mine was never good with money, and I've had to handle it all up until he and I both went to work for ourselves...our money has been separated for the past 5 years...we each contribute half toward the months' bills...and I've had to really get on him sometimes to get his part.
As we compare notes, I get more and more amazed at the similarities I'm seeing between you and I, and the husbands!
I hear you on the conversation; sometimes it IS good to run it by someone before you actually do it.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
Hi! that is weird isn't it? I have threatened to separate our money for years (everytime he bought something big) but never went thru with it! I don't drive a truck though...lol! I make people beautiful!
Yes, FB?
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