Db not working, MLC spouse pushing D

[kjensen]

The thing that seems to help me is to pull away from the situation a bit, and remember to try NOT to take it personally(even though it definitely feels like a very personal rejection)- because it is MLC.

I guess the beauty of this board, the wisdom and experience of the posters here has helped me to (sometimes!) get a more distant perspective. Realizing that my H is going through this journey, this turmoil without much understanding or awareness (especially of the effects his actions have on his family)is hard and sad and maddening, but it also means that my H isn't doing what he is doing with any prupose other than to try and feel better than he does-and as we know..it doesn't work. He has to figure that out for himself.

We have to let go of the rope, let our husbands learn what they have to learn even if it hurts us to the core,even if it leaves a wake of destruction. We can't do it for them. If we still love them in the end of their MLC and are still waiting, well then there is a possiblity of reconciliation. No guarantees.

If we are not there and have moved on, we certainly gave it our very best and waited as long as we could and should only feel proud that we lasted as long as we did, and kept moving on our own journey. Ultimately we are only responsible for our actions.

We, the LBSes, have been given the gift of insight- at least that is how I choose to see it.

Decorating your place is a good start to figuring out what YOU like. Learning to detach will help get you through this.

I know it isn't entirely ALL his fault, I'm not perfect, but I feel like at least I'm willing to give an effort to save us, whereas he seems like he could care less.

Realize this isn't the usual 'fix-it-with-therapy' marriage-in-crisis scenario. My H and I did the marriage counseling thing for 6 months, H was gung-ho and even initiated it. Then his efforts died down and he just stopped working at it and popped the divorce request on me... In MLC, your H doesn't want to work at anything-he wants to be a carefree teenager..its not personal...he doesn't have a clue right now...and you can't clue him in..tried it myself-doesn't work just makes them angry...

By focusing on you(what you can control), you will focus less on him(and what you can't control). It is empowering. It is hard when you haven't focused on yourself in a long time..it might feel self-centered..but that isn't necessarily a bad thing..centering on your self..its OK and probably overdue. If you don't consider yourself, who will?

One day at a time.