The journey begins

[ClingingToHope]

Still weird ups and downs. I have a decent weekend planned. Out with friends tonight -- even though I should just stay in and rest -- then tomorrow night I have a pizza party at night with a different group and then may play cards.

Only Sunday is a completely blank slate. I'm considering buying a bike because A) I need one and B) If I don't get it this year I doubt I'll be in a position to get it next year.

Still, I'm strangely down. Perhaps some finality is setting in. I don't know. I can't really put my finger on it.

[ClingingToHope]

Side note, W called earlier -- she did ask if it's OK to talk and I said yes. D7 had a bad week of school and spent most of her day back in her old class for ADHD kids.

The teacher believes we are babying D7 too much and W took that to mean me. I didn't commit to anything. D7 likes to be carried and she likes to be the baby girl -- and this isn't going to last forever. I don't see her every day and I'm not convinced that's why she's struggling now.

More likely D7 still is not quite ready for every-day class with its more rigid schedules and higher expectations. We started the year with her expecting to be in the ADHD class for two years because last year went so poorly. Well, she's thrived and they've aggressively pushed to get her back in the general classroom. Now she's having some setbacks. I told W that's probably to be expected.

I don't really think any of D7's school issues has to do with W and I. She's not like D11, a deep thinker who gets emotional about everything. D11 we have to keep a close eye on.

After school, D7 did ask me if she acts too much like a baby. I said I don't mind carrying her and she can act like a baby with me as long as she acts grown up in public and at school. I told her next week is a new week.

Another side note. D11 and D7 both met a potential new afterschool sitter. I asked D11 if she liked her and she broke into this big grin and said the lady was very nice and a brunette. D11 lately has been talking about fixing me up with someone.

That's really weird. Some would say that's good -- and it probably is. But I think it's also a cover.

[ClingingToHope]

Funny thing, if you measure detachment by the number of posts on this site I think I'm going backward.

Really not feeling well, but I'm going to drag myself out for a while in about two hours. Good things can't happen if I'm not available.

[mindfull]

CTH - You're CARRYING a 7 year old???????

[ClingingToHope]

Mindfull, yes. She's small for her age. She's been a riot this year. She talks, talks, talks and I wish she could be 7 forever.

It doesn't last forever. I keep looking at a picture of me, D11 and D7 from last summer. D11 was only 10 and still a kid. In less than a year she became no longer a kid. She's wearing a training bra and ... well time marches on.

So I'm not pushing D7.

[awest1217]

Yes, but carrying a seven year old is a little much. I don't carry my two year old unless he is sleepy. There is a difference between treating her like a baby and treating her like her age. You don't want to get caught in "you can do this with me, but not anywhere else". Especially with the ADHD, and how badly she has it, you need to have consistent rules everywhere so that she understands them.

Also although D7 doesn't seem to be acting out because of what is happening, it definitely could be. She may not think as deeply about things and is younger, but she is probably still acting out due to the situation that is happening. Learning more and more that you and W are not getting back together. I am sure some might be pushing her too hard, but she is acting out more overtly.

Lastly, something to think about. Is D11 trying to push you getting a girlfriend because she is picking up on how hurt you are? You have said how perceptive she is and how close you two are. Is she picking up that you are not ever content being by yourself? Something to really think about because if she is picking up on you not being happy whenever you are together and thinks a girlfriend will fix that (something you have posted before that you are worried you always need a relationship) something to change not by talking to D11, but truly changing so that you are happy being with you and just you so she sees it through your actions and demenor?

[ClingingToHope]

The last point is a good one Awest. One of the problems lately has been bad timing. I keep getting stuff on the D on days I'm going to have the girls and it's really hard to just wash it away and enjoy the night with them.

The last part, changing so that I'm are happy being with myself. Tough one. I accuse my W of constantly searching for something to make her happy instead of just being happy.

I think I'm happy with myself. I have a good career and coworkers who value what I do and actually think I'm capable of doing more.

I have very good friends -- I didn't know how good until this situaiton arose -- all over the country who have rallied to help me.

I'm happy with how I look and feel -- well, not this weekend -- and I'm still doing things I did when I was 25. Old age hasn't got me yet.

I'm even somewhat happy with how I set myself up after being tossed out. Things are calming down with the neighbor. This is a nice apartment. I've found a good church. Second jobs. Filled my nights up with activities.

Now that spring is here I'll be able to get out and play golf and go on bike rides. I love to be moving.

I do really, really, really miss my family though. And I feel like I have something to give someone. Part of it is actually going out on dates and having someone show interest again. Maybe when that starts happening I'll either really like it or pull back.

It's not like it's been just 10 months for me. Something happened in W's heart in January 2007 so that although we still ML occasionally and were together every night, she had no interest in me. She never asked about work, what my friends were doing, if something was wrong. She was so wrapped up in her unhappiness and trying to push me away.

So in a way it's been more than three years since I felt a female was interested in me.

In general, I handle stress much better than W so I have that going for me when I'm with the girls. I don't handle sadness better though. W is a rock. Impenetrable. If she has doubts at all, she's not letting the girls see it. I am an open book and I do need to toughen up a bit.

[mindfull]

CTH-

LoL on the all of a sudden, not a kid, w/the training bra!

D7 must be REALLY small to be able to be carried! Warning, though, I remember how ridiculous this kid looked being carried into Kindergarten at my kids school. And, the teacher flat out told the Mom to knock it off as it wasn't helping him to mature w/the class. We're all different though! Not my style, but then, I'm a bit militant! That's not all good, either!

[ClingingToHope]

It's tough. Because of her ADHD issues we've been babying D7 her whole life. So it's hard to break the habit. Shoot, I was still carrying D11 on my shoulders when we took our last big family trip in October 2008 to Disney. She was 9 then.

I went by the more expensive workout gym today. They are building an outdoor pool. Switching would cost $30 more a month, but the place has a workout area for kids. The Y you can't use the equipment unless you are 13 and D11 would like to work out.

Plus, once the outdoor pool is ready I could just take them there rather than the park district pools, which cost money.

I'm going to have to work something out with W though. Typically, I'm the one who picks the girls up from summer camps because I can get off in time.

Who knows what her stance will be this summer. I know if I pick them up at 4 or 4:30 I'm going to want to hang out with them for an hour.

Oh the unnecessary complications.

[Gardener]

CTH,
You sound real good here. On top of things. Together. Insightful and self-perceptive.
Good for you.
It's good to see it/read it.