Lea, I hope you can do something really nurturing for yourself tonight. That is a shock. hugs.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
So need some advice. In a bit of a dilemna. Regarding the disclousre of income I have asked my H via 2 emails and my L has asked via an official letter. My H has refused all of the requests. My L would now like to proceed with a court order, which my H will have to pay for. I mentioned to my L that I would ask one more time via an email. However I am not sure if I should. I have given my H enough times to answer and also feel that this would be a huge 180 for me. He would also notice that I am not taking his Cr8p anymore and that I will not be treated badly.
Somehow I feel guilty though. How is that possible? He has left me? He has filed for a D? He has had an A? Yet I feel guilty about asking for what is rightfully required?
Why do I feel guilty? Why am I nervous? Why do I still feel beholden to him and care what he thinks?
Me 37 years young!! S11 S7 T22 M14 D final 13.05.2010 Today is the first day of the rest of my life!!! First post: D Day has arrived
I don't think I would email again...hasn't he had the chance to do the honourable thing here?
My H doesn't love handing money over to me every month, but he's doing it for the sake of the children and out of a sense of responsibility. If your H is so far gone that he has lost sight of that, he probably does need legal action to wake up and smell the coffee.
Originally Posted By: lea74
Why do I feel guilty? Why am I nervous? Why do I still feel beholden to him and care what he thinks?
Because you haven't detached from your R yet and because there are some toxic elements to your M. It's going to take time, but maybe you're ready to try Step 1 of detaching.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
So received an email from my H today telling me what a great time he had with our kids over the weekend. He mentioned how much they enjoyed making me cards for Mothers Day and other things. The last line was: some of the things the boys were saying are definitely things they have heard from you so please be careful what you say around them.
WTF: he is flaunting his new GF around them, taking her to S7 football tournament so the rest of my village can see and then he tells me to be careful what I say.
Agh!!!
Me 37 years young!! S11 S7 T22 M14 D final 13.05.2010 Today is the first day of the rest of my life!!! First post: D Day has arrived
When my H first moved out, I thought it would be easier to accept if it was for someone else. It seemed a decent reason rather then the drival he told me and then also it wouldnt have been about me. Now that I have realised that this is probably the case after all, it is actually worse. Why did I think that if he was having an A it would be easier to accept. Because now it is about me - about me not being a good enough wife and him finding someone else better to replace me.
Me 37 years young!! S11 S7 T22 M14 D final 13.05.2010 Today is the first day of the rest of my life!!! First post: D Day has arrived
When my H first moved out, I thought it would be easier to accept if it was for someone else. It seemed a decent reason rather then the drival he told me and then also it wouldnt have been about me. Now that I have realised that this is probably the case after all, it is actually worse. Why did I think that if he was having an A it would be easier to accept. Because now it is about me - about me not being a good enough wife and him finding someone else better to replace me.
Hey! No self-pity parties. This is about him and his crazy brain operating differently. You aren't to blame for his actions. Allow him to have responsibility for his actions, he did this, it's his fault, not yours. You are a good enough wife and if he had problems, he could have been an adult about it and voiced his issues and told you what he wanted but he flaked out and used that as an excuse to find another woman to be with.
He didn't find someone else that was better to replace you, she is different, that's all, not better.
Don't belittle yourself or disrespect yourself by thinking these thoughts. You're a great person, you have a ton of value, if he can't see that, it's his loss, not yours.
As for his comment about what you might have said, you tell him that people that live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Plain & simple and leave it at that.
So Lea when do you start casually dating other men? It might be the boost you need to rebuild that confidence of yours and it might be the kick in the pants he needs to wake up his reality.
Hi Lea, I truly do want nothing but the best for you and your family. Stop beating yourself up. Your H's decision to have an A has nothing to do with you. This is all about his weaknesses, his insecurities, his lack of maturity, and his unwilligness to honor his vows. All of us spouses can make the justification to have an A if we want to. Some of us are simply stronger and more honorable than others. He chose this, let him sit in it. Thats why I keep suggesting going dark, he has been able to push your buttons whenever he has wanted to, it helps relieve the guilt he feels, and he does feel guilt, how could he not.
I would suggest to not respond to any dig he takes at you. Don't give him the satisfaction. Don't lower yourself to his level. Let him be a fool by himself.
Until you can detach, he will have control of your emotions. He has had control long enough.
