H4L: RW - I never thought my H had NPD - but I still read that author quite abit to learn to be less codependant, and set firmer boundaries around verbal abuse. Lately I'm starting to wonder if he actually does...
My IC warned heavily against people diagnosing themselves or their spouses with personality disorders out of self help books and articles. She says the nuances are very difficult for professionals to diagnose and takes time and there are a lot of authors (some with grad. psych degrees of some sort) portryaing it as very cut and dry and that it's dangerous and leads to b.s. Makes sense really. Long story short, don't worry about NPD and your H. You've got enough on your plate.
rr - thanks you are right. Armchair diagnosis is not called for here. All I know is that author gives some helpful tips on how to self soothe and focus on caring for yourself, drawing boundaries - all things that help me - and so many of us!
FM - ok, festive night - god how I feel guilty but I guess I need the support!
Yeah, I read what I can get from anywhere. I was bringing up possible diagnoses in IC one day and she was all, "Don't go there. The professionals barely get it right." LOL
I have no substance abuse issues, but some of the materials people have shared from AA stuff is helpful on the topic of owning your own part of relationship problems and also on detachment. Knowledge rains from all corners, I suppose.
FM - ok, festive night - god how I feel guilty but I guess I need the support!
Why would you feel guilty about an act of self care that communicates to your H that you are GAL and not stuck in the past??
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Really. No guilt. Separation isn't your current choice, right? It is not your fault you now have to unleash your inner party monster to compensate. It's some nights out. Not buying a plane. Ha.
No but I can't escape the feeling I"ve had for the past year - he left ME. BEcause of ME. Because of things I've done. And he hasn't returned because he fears those things will happen again.
It seems rude to celebrate hurting my H to the point of having to leave.
But I also know this is my usual POV and I need to hold H more responsible in my mind. The whole it takes two business. But I can't help but feel regret and remorse and shame.
But I"ve seen best results w H changing his behavior when I hold him accountable, so I have to psych myself up for that again. It's just hard to do this week...
Let's try to re-frame that. Your H was unhappy in the M, but he had various choices about how to handle that. He didn't have to choose S, he could have communicated better, he could have let you know sooner, sought help sooner etc. Those choices are about HIM.
In the meantime, you have been working on you and making incredible steps forward in your own journey. That, in and of itself, is worth celebrating!
Let's say that I accept your logic that he left because of you...which I don't. Usually when mothers are hard to live with it's because their needs are not being met and they have run out of strategies to deal with that. Can you see that meeting your needs and choosing different strategies is the kind of 180 that will make you a more appealing person to live with? If you were your H would you want to come home to the heavy energy of you tensed up waiting for him to be in a bad mood about the bombaversary...or would you like to come home to a woman who is laughing with her friend and S and relaxed and looking like she is ready to make the rest of her life fun and enjoyable?
I'm writing to myself as much as I am to you H4L!!
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Thanks ladies - I love the reframing from both of you RW and FM. I"m gonna keep telling myself those things until I believe it!
ON the not fixing WAH subject - H is supposed to take S this afternoon so I can go to rehearsal. H is supposed to be here withing the next half hour. I have held back from reminding him it's daylight savings. I have sent him my rehearsal calender which he refused to look at last I heard. I'm not going to nag him. He's either going to be here for his S or I"m taking S with me. For S's sake, I hope H can show up. For my sake, I hope he doesn't - to let him dig his own hole and see that I"m not responsible for everything.
Yep, grownups figure out about the time change. I specifically did not remind H either.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
