I'm asking because it seems the preoccupation with marital status alone is somewhat inconsiderate.
I feel like I've stumbled into a rather polarised debate here that I'm not necessarily qualified to enter ... but I've been thinking about this. (and we’ve established it’s healthier for me to be here chatting to you guys than hanging out with whoknowswhattheirstatusis men!!)
I preface this by saying - these comments are from my experience and I understand that everyones experiences and their learnings from those experiences are different. Different is OK.
When I was married I had a couple of affairs. I've also had 2 relationships post marriage. One when I was separated, one when after the divorce was final.
In the affair relationships, the sex was hot and the drama was intoxicating. It was like a drug. But just like a drug, the come-down sucked. In those affairs, while they were fun and intense, there was so much of myself I didn’t give. It would have been unconscionable to really give of myself in a truly intimate way – because no matter how far down I buried the thought of my husband he was always there. It was one thing to give my body to an affair partner, but I could not give away any more than that because that would be admitting that I was in a sham marriage. Even when your having an affair, no matter how “into” it you are, you still have to go home each night and face your spouse. (I blush to think about it now – and I hate how disrespectful it was to my husband, he deserved better than that – he was/is a good, albeit emotionally crippled man.)
At that time, I was able to rationalise that I was married, but having affairs, because there wasn’t enough good sex in my marriage – so taking anything other than sex would have made me a liar to myself.
In the relationship I had when I was separated, and despite him being a delightful young creature who I suspect was capable of far more emotional intimacy than I gave him credit for – I was just too raw. The marriage and the stbx husband were still there in my head (and I still had my step-children living with me so I was pre-occupied with them too – even though they were young adults and were super encouraging of me getting out and getting on with my life)
Post divorce, another charming young man, but I was still raw, healing, and in kind of post-crisis fragile emotional state. I still wasn’t able to be there for him – or for myself really, in hindsight.
What I’ve been thinking about, and reading about, is that for true emotional intimacy to occur between two people you both have to be truly open and “there”. Both partners have to be in a healthy emotional place. For me, that means no other emotional attachments and sincerely trusting yourself to open up to the other person. Being confident, grounded, strong enough to trust someone else.
I don’t know if that’s possible if there is a spouse (co-habiting or otherwise) in the picture.
In my experience I don’t think it is.
Having said all that, I do understand men and women are different – so perhaps it is possible for men to compartmentalise to the extent they can connect with a woman even though they still have a spouse or significant other in the picture … ???
