flowmom | need to commit to myself

[flowmom]

3 nights every 8, is a lot. Let's see how it goes. Do you think he could handle it long term?

It seems like a lot to me too. We'll see how it goes. H looked awful this morning. He just did 2 night shifts and had a cold. I hear him say to his brother that he couldn't do a hike this afternoon, had to take a nap instead. This kind of thing was quite common when we lived together. Not exactly a great way to start off 2 nights with our children. His brother will help these 2 nights (and he did last week), but in the future he'll be on his own with them.

you can't keep fixing the relationship between your children and your H. He has to be responsible for that.

I agree.

I admire you wanting S6 to feel special, but you can't make up for a loss that H caused.

I also agree with that. Just to clarify though...I've been finding it hard to reach S6 lately. When he said that, it was hard for me to identify it was generally about not feeling "special" or if it was an issue with H. He said it when he was with me...so it may have had more to do with his relationship with me. S6 has special needs and he is high functioning on the autism spectrum. It is hard for him to identify and verbalize his feelings so on the rare occasions that he does I do read into them a lot.

I understand how it concerns you, though, and I usually do one of two things: either mention to H the comment in a non-confrontational way or help my son bring it up.

I have been mentioning things to H. I've had to set a boundary: "if you want me to share things that the children say about their emotional state, then I expect you to listen with an open mind and not dismiss what I'm saying". He agreed, but I'm still not satisfied about his rxns. But I'll continue to tell him I guess. Mostly by email.

I usually go to my son first, whether that's right or wrong, because I want him to be confident enough to bring this stuff up on his own.

I encourage that kind of thing, but I don't think that S6 feels safe telling H things. That's my gut feeling. He is telling me about his feelings and hiding them from H. Because he's basically pursuing H, just like D3, and just like I would if I gave into what every fiber of my being tells me to do.

I don't know if I would personally enlist H's help with scheduling special time with D3 while you do the S6 thing, but you know better than I do if that's a good idea.

D3 would feel SUPER upset if she thought that she was being excluded and there isn't really anyone else who could give her a "special date" like H can. I feel comfortable asking H to step up to the plate about any parenting stuff, since he is totally off the hook for anything other than parenting and finances WRT me.

All part of MY 180's - not relying on ExCautious's help.

I'm working on that with support from this forum. I'll have to think about it.

Thanks for your parenting thoughts Kalni and Cautious