How to approach W about OM

[TrentC]

In all seriousness, although I've never heard the highlighted part expressed before, and I do think your therapist is FOS with her advice to you. But a betrayed spouse DOES need to address their spouse's "Why are you only changing NOW, now that I've (decided to leave you/had an affair/filed for divorce/whatever)." And they need to answer it in a serious way.

The best response is a sincere "I agree, there are things I wish I would have changed before. When I ________ , I know that hurt you, and I've apologized to you already for that. All I can do is try to become a better person, and do the right thing, regardless of what happens between us, and I've decided to do that."

Or similar.

Puppy

This. And I agree with PDT in that your therapist is nuts to advocate approaching things in an antagonistic manner.

But your therapist is correct; if you make lasting, essential changes to your behavior, your relationship cannot help but change. The Solo Partner by Phil Deluca goes into this in depth, and some of the other concepts in his book should be familiar to DB'ers.

Getting Back Together by Bettie Young and Masa Goetz is another good book about what you can do to work on yourself and trying to mend your relationship.