New here but have been a voyeur

[lolawar]

thanks Grit
It was a busy day indeed. Head still spinning. I did read the detachment article..and I am going to reread it until it is implanted into the cortex of my brain!! It is so interesting...you read so much, get such great advice, and then when the curtain rises..you forget your lines.

I guess in concentrating on myself..as my MC suggested...I need to look at why I chose to marry my H. If this M doesn't work out..MC says that I most likely will marry the same man again. That is sobering.

[marriedCrazy]

Is she seeking treatment? I don't know how to convince my H to stay in IC. He cancelled his last session and doesn't think he needs to go back. It is just so frustrating to watch...but at the same time..what can you do for someone like this?

She has sought treatment off and on, depends on her emotions at the time. If she feels happy, she "doesn't need treatment." If things aren't going the way she'd like; she needs meds and treatment. If a person truly has a PD, and I can't say for either one of them, my W or your H as I'm not a mental health professional, the experts says that they abandon treatment when it starts to hurt or they feel happy.

You cannot do anything for these individuals, unfortunately. That is a mindset that you need to rid yourself of; the "fixer" or "rescuer." Cause your MC is right; until you figure this out, you WILL marry the same man again. I can list all the girls that I've had relationships with and they all exhibit the same traits as my W. "Wounded birds" my IC calls them. I'd be willing to bet that most of us on this board are "fixers" and "rescuers."

Has your W always displayed these symptoms? My H would display these symptoms 10% of the time...now these symptoms are the majority of his personality...somewhere along the way..these traits became dominant. What is the success rate of treatment even if he committed to sticking with an IC? It is so hard for me to relate to what he is feeling. I want to just shake him and say snap out of it. Could his inability to not feel for other people cause his depression? What approach do you take with someone like this? I have been detaching and pretty much 'dim' with him...am I abandoning him? or is being there for him enabling him?

Early on I didn't have a clue to my W displaying any of these traits. But looking back I can see where I might have overlooked some minor clues to her behavior. I would have to say that when things were new and she was getting "supply"; she was fine. But then I also have to take a look at my personality and how it played into it. I was happy to be the fixer; it was MY personality and it played into her's as well. Over time, with kids and day to day responsibilities started to prevent me from providing her with supply; she started to change. I do know that there were things that I should have done to keep the marriage alive. I didn't do what a H should have done, even in a "normal" marriage. However, her personality traits I think biased her response in dramatic fashion.

My W does say that a lot her depression is guilt-laden of what she's done to me and the family. Her normal instinct is to run and try to start anew. For a long time, I just put my head in the sand and ignored the obvious; hoping that she would come around. I feared losing her; and didn't want to rock the boat and cause her to leave. I think her craziness started making me crazy. Eventually, I had had enough.

I stopped enabling by not supporting her. I took her off the accounts, turned her cell phone off, quit buying her gas, etc. She left. After not having day to day interaction with her for a period of months; I started to see how unhealthy I was. Once I could see this, without being under the influence of her ways; it was then that I truly detached. I was able to see what I needed to do for ME.

Is that abandoning her? Absolutely not. If she has a true PD; she will only learn by consequences. I have been friendly to her; we do things occasionally as a family; but I will NOT rescue her again. I don't think she's healthy yet, not by a long shot. It will still be years before that happens. I have told her that I still stand for our M; but over time I feel myself fading from that.

I am torn between helping my H, saving my marriage, and self preservation.

First, you can't help your H....remember that.

Self-preservation will save you. It may save your M; or you may decide that you deserve better than that.

With that said...work on your detachment, your 180s, GAL, and work on why you are attracted to such men with your IC. Let your H worry about himself and let him decide if he wants to rejoin the M. You do not have to be in any hurry to make a D decision; but you need to become healthy, happy and independent from him. Then if he rejoins your M; you'll be in a much better place.

[Truegritter]

MC Great Advice!

[Piano]

Yep, with you there!

[lolawar]

[quote=marriedCrazy]She has sought treatment off and on, depends on her emotions at the time. If she feels happy, she "doesn't need treatment." If things aren't going the way she'd like; she needs meds and treatment. If a person truly has a PD, and I can't say for either one of them, my W or your H as I'm not a mental health professional, the experts says that they abandon treatment when it starts to hurt or they feel happy.
[\quote]
not sure if my quote worked. That is what is happening now.

My H called me after he got into that crazy screaming match with his mother...and was all chipper. My MIL was a mess and he was all happy...he didn't tell me about his conversation with his mother..his sister called me to tell me...but he acted like he was on top of the world.. How could you be so happy after getting into such an argument with your mother???

He was supposed to come by today and I didn't hear from him. I was GAL tonight but we are experiencing HEAVY rains...and my basement is getting quite a bit of water. I was actually considering cancelling my plans tonight. I called my H to see if he was still coming by to see the dogs and he wouldn't give me a straight answer. If he was coming by, I asked him to keep an eye on the basement. I get home tonight..I know he was here because he left behind a book and left open multiple drawers where he was checking up on me...but the basement was a mess!!!!! He didn't even go down there to mop things up. I am going to ignore this but I am so piss*d.

I know I shouldn't expect anything from him...so I won't be disappointed..but WTF? He hasn't done ANYTHING around this house since he has moved out...including snow removal for 3 huge snow storms. I haven't asked a thing from him...the one thing I ask..he doesn't do. I guess I am more annoyed that I have to come home from a nice night out to mopping up lots of water. Ughhh.

I need to just get used to this..if our M does not work- I want to buy him out...which will mean I need to just depend on myself. Mopping up water sux!!!!! I can literally kayak in my backyard right now with all the rain we have gotten. Can't you help a sista out???? I am venting here...but I will not mention a word of this to him. I am ready to blow a gasket.


MC-- very good advice..I am just so fired up right now to even think straight..besides the fact that my feet are wet and cold from mopping up water..... To all you Floridians...make room for me...I need some warmth and sun!!!

[lolawar]

It was a rough weekend. Lots of rain..and hence a lot of water in the basement. I am worn out. My H came over last night to help with the water and it all felt very weird. We barely spoke but I also didn't really feel anything. I didn't want him to hold me or kiss me or anything. I felt empty.

The power went out this morning and I spent several hours dealing with more water and I just broke down. My H showed up just when the power came back on. (I had texted him this morning when the power went out). He saw that I was completely exhausted..I had tears coming down my face..and he was nice enough to point out that the puppy had an accident inside. I didn't see it and he said 'Are you blind...it is right there'. He didn't offer to clean it up..he just waited for me to get up and do it. I walked over to him and pushed him out the door and locked it behind him. I don't like being spoken to like that...and this is the way he always speaks. Even though what he said is not that big of a deal...it is a big deal that he always talks to me like this..and I have always let him.

I have decided to file for D today. I need to move on with my life and I have just been in a holding pattern. I guess I hit my limit. I don't think my H will ever have the capacity to love me (or anyone) the way I deserve and need to be loved. I have been holding on with the belief that my H will change but I don't think that is case. He isn't a kind man..I am sad but I also feel relieved...It is time.

I probably should move over to the D thread...does anyone have any ideas of how I should file and serve him? I am in a no fault state but I would like to file as Adultery. I don't have his apartment address...should I serve them both at work? just via certified mail? I don't want to lose my dignity after all of this...but I would like people in his office (besides the partners) to know about his affair with the secretary. Or should I just let it go? He has been such a jerk throughout all of this....but should I just let it go?

[pearlharbr]

Before you do anything, consult with your attorney. S/he is the best person to advise you on how / when / where to serve. Remember, divorce proceedings are the business of ending a marriage. They should be handled without emotion as much as possible. It's about looking out for yourself legally and financially. While I'm sure it would feel good to out them to everyone at the office, I'm not sure that would be in your best interest legally and financially, especially considering their professions.

I totally understand being tired of the crappy attitude and wanting to preserve some dignity and self-respect. To this day I wish I had slapped BF's face so hard you could see my hand print. But what feels good in the moment isn't necessarily what's best in the long term.

[Truegritter]

Lola

I am so sorry you are heading that way. Just cause it is difficult. It's hard to process and get through. I think Pearl's comment is good to take to heart. You are angry right now and your going to have to deal with that whether you divorce him or not so just let flow for now. See where you are when a little time goes by and you let this stuff settle in.

Keep going to IC. If you do this make sure you know exactly why you are doing it. Don't leave anything there you are going stew about or that is going to stick with you like a stone in your shoe.

[lolawar]

Thank you guys. I have had such a bad day with all of this. Thank god for my dogs that just wont stop giving kisses. I am going to see the attorney on Wednesday night.

I was worried about using an attorney because my H was very against it. But I cannot trust him. He has betrayed me so many times...I won't let that happen again. Whenever me and H discussed D, he always said he was not going to steal from me...but then again..he also said he would never cheat. I think it is better to use an attorney so that I can be somewhat done with him. I need to truly detach. There was always that glimmer of hope that kept me strong. That is gone now and I feel worse today than I have felt since learning of his A. This situation is a lose/lose. Pain whether I stay or leave. I truly fell apart today.

I spoke to the attorney on the phone. I am definitely filing as adultery...but I am going to just have the letters sent certified to his office..no processing officer. As much as I would love to expose him to his office..I know that I will regret it. Hurting someone else because they hurt you feels good for a very short time. I have been pretty dignified after all of this...(I have had my lunatic moments)..I don't want to stoop.

I am not going to let him know I filed..I am just going to be completely dark until he gets the papers. I finally had enough guts to do this..I don't want to be talked out of it. I know he is going to be angry that I didn't let him know my decision first..but I am really afraid of waffling on my decision. I know what is best for me in my head...but my heart wants to believe something else.

His A sucked the life out of our marriage. We will always have this hanging over our heads. I just don't feel love here anymore..and I am not talking about romantic love. The respect and trust is gone. Without that we cannot have any intimacy..I just don't feel close to him and I am not sure I ever can. He will continue to be in my life due to mutual friends...which is going to make things difficult. I want to be able to forgive him for all of this..for me. I guess time and space will help with that.

I often wake up at night and wonder if this is all a big nightmare. What happened? The pain over the past couple of months has been incredible and I know that the next couple of months will be even more painful. When will this all end?? I am worried about being financially independent..things are going to be much tighter than I am used to. Keeping the house is so important to me..but there will be sacrifices. I am lucky that I have my family to support me until I get back on my feet.

I need to figure out how to de-husbanize my home after all this. I guess after half the furniture is gone...I won't have much of a choice.

[luvless]

(((Lola))))

I'm so close to where you're at...and what you are feeling right now even though I haven't even started the D process. I too want the house and also wake up and wonder if this is a bad dream. I look at him and wonder who he is and if "we" were what I thought "we" were. It's so weird.

I think about what my H has done and how the respect and love is gone too. How do you recover from that? Is it that we can't see past it right now or is it how we'll always feel? It's a scary feeling either way.

I just needed you to know I empathize from a very close place.

Luv