flowmom | need to commit to myself

[Cautious]

flow, wish I'd met you sooner. We both have a bit of cynical in us - and you have a terrific sense of humor about this whole thing. Plus, you give some ROCKING advice. You, in short, amaze me, and I am now a member of the flowmom fan club. Hope I get my membership card soon, sort of nervous about how the picture came out.

Have you considered giving S6 some special attention? He may be feeling like D3.5 is getting more... maybe get a sitter (family or close friend) to have a special mom-son day? Ice cream and rollerblading (that's a future mom-son date for my S5 and I)?

I do the same - think others have been there, done that, and wonder how they do it... but I think the answer I've found most often is "begrudgingly".

[flowmom]

Thanks for the kind words Cautious . My self esteem is so trashed that at first I thought, "oh this woman has posted these nice compliments in the wrong person's thread" .

I think it's a good idea to have a "date" with S6. He gets tons of attention, but the other night he said "I'm not special...Flowdad shouted at me on my birthday" (reference to S6's birthday last October...H did shout at S6 towards the end of the day). Not sure exactly how to interpret that. But I think it's a good idea to do something bonding that's just for the two of us if I can get H to do the equivalent with D3 at the same time (otherwise D3 would make a big fuss and feel left out).

[Cautious]

Something I learned from my sitch that I THINK might apply here (forgive me if I'm wrong, though) is that you can't keep fixing the relationship between your children and your H. He has to be responsible for that. I admire you wanting S6 to feel special, but you can't make up for a loss that H caused. I understand how it concerns you, though, and I usually do one of two things: either mention to H the comment in a non-confrontational way or help my son bring it up. I usually go to my son first, whether that's right or wrong, because I want him to be confident enough to bring this stuff up on his own. If my approach is met with some gentle (or not-so-gentle) resistance, I'll mention to ExCautious "S5 said some things the other night about you I thought I should mention, because he is uncomfortable bringing it up himself and I think he's really hurt."

I don't know if I would personally enlist H's help with scheduling special time with D3 while you do the S6 thing, but you know better than I do if that's a good idea. Fortunately, I have a brother who is THRILLED when he gets to see my S5 (has no boys of his own, all girls!), so I usually enlist his help instead. All part of MY 180's - not relying on ExCautious's help.

Just some suggestions, I know you'll execute anything you set your mind to fabulously!

[CityGirl]

I think we all can relate to feeling like our self esteem is trashed. It is a terrible feeling to have!

We can tell you until the cows come home that we think you are fabulous, smart, interesting and lovely but until you really start to feel it, it can be really tough.

So you are child free tonight and I know that is a HUGE adjustment for you. Your friends are busy. Why not go out and do something small just to get started. You like to read, right? Hit the bookstore, find a comfortable chair to sit in and order yourself a latte and simply relax. Or why not hit an ethnic market and cook yourself a kick ass dinner that you children would not like to eat. Get a bottle of wine and treat yourself.

Once you do something by yourself allow yourself to feel that power that YOU DID IT. Look in the mirror and say "hey Flo, you are a kick ass woman who is going to go out ALONE and enjoy every minute of it because I am good company to ME (oh, and CityGirl said so!)"

I LOVE to cook. There is a market/bakery/eatery in my neighborhood that has a weekly cooking class. Each week the theme is different and once the cooking is done the group goes to the roof, drinks wine and eats what we cooked. Some people at the class are single, some are couples... its still fun! Hell, food and wine... I AM IN!

Why not make a deal with yourself that tonight you will go about for 30 minutes alone. And during those 30 minutes you will think about how fabulous you are strutting around!

Please report back!

[Kalni]

flow, wish I'd met you sooner. We both have a bit of cynical in us - and you have a terrific sense of humor about this whole thing. Plus, you give some ROCKING advice. You, in short, amaze me, and I am now a member of the flowmom fan club. Hope I get my membership card soon, sort of nervous about how the picture came out.

I second that 1000%!!
K

3 nights every 8, is a lot. Let's see how it goes. Do you think he could handle it long term?

[flowmom]

3 nights every 8, is a lot. Let's see how it goes. Do you think he could handle it long term?

It seems like a lot to me too. We'll see how it goes. H looked awful this morning. He just did 2 night shifts and had a cold. I hear him say to his brother that he couldn't do a hike this afternoon, had to take a nap instead. This kind of thing was quite common when we lived together. Not exactly a great way to start off 2 nights with our children. His brother will help these 2 nights (and he did last week), but in the future he'll be on his own with them.

you can't keep fixing the relationship between your children and your H. He has to be responsible for that.

I agree.

I admire you wanting S6 to feel special, but you can't make up for a loss that H caused.

I also agree with that. Just to clarify though...I've been finding it hard to reach S6 lately. When he said that, it was hard for me to identify it was generally about not feeling "special" or if it was an issue with H. He said it when he was with me...so it may have had more to do with his relationship with me. S6 has special needs and he is high functioning on the autism spectrum. It is hard for him to identify and verbalize his feelings so on the rare occasions that he does I do read into them a lot.

I understand how it concerns you, though, and I usually do one of two things: either mention to H the comment in a non-confrontational way or help my son bring it up.

I have been mentioning things to H. I've had to set a boundary: "if you want me to share things that the children say about their emotional state, then I expect you to listen with an open mind and not dismiss what I'm saying". He agreed, but I'm still not satisfied about his rxns. But I'll continue to tell him I guess. Mostly by email.

I usually go to my son first, whether that's right or wrong, because I want him to be confident enough to bring this stuff up on his own.

I encourage that kind of thing, but I don't think that S6 feels safe telling H things. That's my gut feeling. He is telling me about his feelings and hiding them from H. Because he's basically pursuing H, just like D3, and just like I would if I gave into what every fiber of my being tells me to do.

I don't know if I would personally enlist H's help with scheduling special time with D3 while you do the S6 thing, but you know better than I do if that's a good idea.

D3 would feel SUPER upset if she thought that she was being excluded and there isn't really anyone else who could give her a "special date" like H can. I feel comfortable asking H to step up to the plate about any parenting stuff, since he is totally off the hook for anything other than parenting and finances WRT me.

All part of MY 180's - not relying on ExCautious's help.

I'm working on that with support from this forum. I'll have to think about it.

Thanks for your parenting thoughts Kalni and Cautious

[flowmom]

Thanks CG

I talked to my sister and she doesn't want me to go out tonight because she knows that I'm run down with this cold and she's worried that I'll just feel rotten and sad. She has a point. So I think I'll stick to a DVD tonight. But I will take your advice and do a babystep of going out on my own next time the kids are away and I don't have a "date".

I adore cooking too! Sometimes I even do a good job at it But actually my 180 is NOT cooking lately. Dinner last night was organic chicken wings and steamed broccoli. I'm still having trouble eating...the LBS diet is still working its ironic weight loss magic ). And I've spent an insane amount of time the last few years cooking for H's crazy diet (that isn't the most appetizing) and my ultra picky kids...so I'm giving myself a break right now. When I'm ready I'll try to remember what I actually like to eat and start cooking it. But not yet.

[rr22]

Have you checked out meetup.com in your city? That might help you meet some new single women who you have something in common with to go out on some of your new free nights. Also, I think craigslist has a Platonic section.

[courageous wife]

Hey FM...I just want to say that although my kids have only had 2 overnights at their Dad's since he left 12/30...I hate those nights they have been gone! I have not been good about galing away from home and need to start doing that besides the home improvement stuff! Just wnated to send hugs!

[Gardener]

flowmom,

Have you checked out meetup.com in your city? That might help you meet some new single women who you have something in common with to go out on some of your new free nights.

I definitely agree with rr22 on this: I'm in two meetup groups: Hiking and Swing Dancing. Check it out! Do it.
And I definitely agree with you on this one (with a slight gender-change of course)

I definitely don't want to date, but I'd love to have a "guy friend" to go out with.

A tough balance to strike, to articulate with someone. I do think such non-date going-out/spending time situations will ultimately evolve from some Meetup acquaintances. Another good reason to check meetup out.