He called about an hour ago. Good thing I took him off reject, I've been checking my phone every few minutes. The only way to stay focused is to be a little mean and evil, so I am apologizing in advance for this: I'm imagining that he's been checking his phone every few minutes for any sign that I've called all day today too. Internal dialogue: What's up with this? She can't even answer a simple text message? I'll send another. No response, huh? What could she possibly be doing? I'll try calling. Voicemail. I wasn't ready for this, I won't leave a message. No return call. (anger sets in) SHE COULD AT LEAST CALL ME AND TELL ME IF I SHOULD CUT S5'S HAIR!
My response: Really, ExCautious? You really neeed me to tell you to cut your own son's hair? Is it going to make a huge difference in the grand scheme of things? I mean, as long as you're not hacking it with a chainsaw yourself, what does it matter? He needs a haircut. Be a man... no scratch that, be a FATHER and do it. End of story.
That was cathargic. And better than having that conversation in real life.
So, what I've learned from this is that I have silver plattered everything, and now he's freaking out because I'm refusing to continue. I always kept him informed of what was going on at S5's school when I spent $20 making copies of all the calendars, routines, etc. the school sent home in the first place. I never made him even look this stuff up, just reminded him constantly. Now I have to let him fail on his own. Boy is that hard! I always invited him to spend family time with S5 and I, and allowed him to be affectionate with me for that duration, just to kick me back to the curb once he was "full". Now he's going to truly understand lonliness. Sure, it's a little vengeful - I want him to pay for the insults he laid onto me a week ago, the forclosure he put on MY record, the car he got reposessed, the material items (that, mind you, I miss but am doing fine without) that he left in the foreclosed property and I will never see again (wedding dress included). I want him to come to me in a place of remorse, beg for me back the same as I did, just so I can say "No." the same way he did, with the same cold look. Okay, maybe not that far. But I will take my sweet time when/if he comes crawling back. It's not going to be easy anymore, not for ExCautious.
The hardest part, I think, is that I REALLY want to see him, feel his hugs, etc. And before I was willing to sacrifice myself in order to have part of him every time he asked me to go out somewhere with him. I never said no. Now, I have to say no. At least the first time, I absolutely HAVE to. The second time, I get to choose if I want to join in the activity or not. I'm totally looking forward to the second request!
Wish me luck!
Me: 26 Ex: 27 Son: 5
Divorced: 3/2010 Each day is another opportunity to do it right.
