Is this piecing?

[Butterfly1]

right, good advice. We did have a nice time last week when we went to lunch. I hope that we can do it again.

[Butterfly1]

Oh and I forgot to post the good news - need to keep that PMA!

Last night I returned from rehearsal and we were both tired. H launches into how stressed he is and his to do list is neverending, etc etc. (he works for himself). I tried to listen and validate, but it was pushing a button, so I verbalized, "When you say how stressed your life is, I feel I need to do something to make it better for you. THis is totally my issue, though. I just wish I could help."
H:" I don't expect you to do anything about it, it's not your problem."
Me:" Ok, are you wanting me just to listen?"
H:"I"m just venting I guess."
ME:"I get worried when you are stressed out."
H:"I'll try not to take it out on you."
Me:"That's part of it, but I worry about you too."

I offered some advice about what I do when I'm overwhelmed - take a half hour or so to just close my eyes and rest - a cat nap or meditation. He seemed interested in that.

IT was good - I owned my urge to fix him, and he owned that he's going to try not to take his stress out on us.

IT's no romance, but it's a far cry from last year when he would come home and yell at everyone because he was so stressed out. We both owned our own issues. Seems positive.

Also, on ODP/detachment/goingGhandi, here's an awesome blogpost:
http://www.narcissismsupport.com/narciss...r_Emotions.html

[flowmom]

Such a positive interaction H4L - on both sides!

[Lost Rabbit]

Thats just the ticket H4L explaining yourself politely but at the same time without realising saying to H what do you want me to do? I think trying to help makes them feel helpless back to ego again I suppose, we love to be taken care off fellas see as not being man enough!

Next week is going to hurt like hell Hun what plans of action have you ready to combat PMA drooping? Just a few suggestions book a few nice things hair, nails etc you have rehearsals as well I presume, make a list of all the good things MrH4L is achieving and when you feel bad vibes reread he is doing well even if he doesn't realise yet lol!

[Butterfly1]

THanks ladies, as always. AS for next week? I got nothin'. The actually bomb day H will not be here, so that's a relief. But he will the day before and after. I'm more worried about H's reaction! He left me after a big fight, so he was the one angry enough to leave. I had a bout of depression yesterday, but I perked up after a couple hours. I'm dealing with it a bit at a time.

More good developments. It may sound trivial at first, but anyone who has read about my H, will see this is huge progress.

First, H shows up for usual Friday night dinner. He came in venting again about time constraints, and started getting irritated that I couldn't find the bottle opener. He would have yelled at me about this in the past, but he EXCUSED HIMSELF, WENT IN THE BACK ROOM, AND CAME BACK CALMER~ We not only had a lovely dinner, he lingered a bit!!! I also went to get the bottle opener from my neighbor's.

THis is huge, if you read my old thread, Fri night dinners used to be h*ll - he would show up stressed and in a hurry, yell at us most of the way through and then storm out.

SEcondly: I texted H last night re: computer stuff.(Been trying to get new computer to connect wirelessly, mysteriously not working). Well compare this interaction to last week's when we had a huge blow up over computer stuff:

I assumed H would either ignore my text as he was at his game, or would talk to me the next day.

HE CALLS ME AT 11:45PM! Calls= rare. Late night calls = unheardof.

He CALMLY takes 20 minutes to step by step guide me through few steps - and succuess! Computer connected!

This is huge. Usually, if he hadn't texted, he would have a) been irritated and told me to figure it out my self "like the rest of the world", b) been condescending and raise his voice, c) I would have asked him to speak nicer to me and we would have had a fight.

There was only one or two moments where he was "snappy" but not yelling so I did my part and ODP let it go! I'm working hard on not taking things as personal offense and with the two of us working like this things are soooooooooo much better! My son is much more calm too.

I feel this is a result of me standing up for myself recently, expressing myself in therapy, ODP, and lots of time and your support.

[rr22]

So happy for you. Maybe he's starting to see that he CAN control his behavior if he notices and tries or the MC is having some effect or your changes are helping him want to improve his behavior or all of the above. Congratulations. This is all such exciting progress!

[rockedworld]

Great steps forward H4L!

I am curious, from the link you put on my thread... do you feel your husband has narcissitic tendencies or maybe even NPD?

[flowmom]

That's great H4L . So you got a new computer? That was a concrete thing to did to address a source of conflict, and that positive thing let to more positive: him helping you to set it up. It sounds like he appreciated what you did to solve the problem, and that generated goodwill in him. And that's a functional relationship dynamic .

I think that you should schedule something involving people who love and support you on the day before bomb-aversary...dinner party maybe? And also something on day after.

[Butterfly1]

FM - no I didn't get a new computer. AFter my old computer got a virus (see earlier threads) and the chord wasn't acting right, H handed down his to me (H got a new one for work). So I"m still tied to him through computer

And yeah, being around people who love me - well H is going to be here MOnday night, I could go to my neighbors' who has been a rock for me through all this. Wednesday night I have rehearsal so I won't be alone. Perhaps Tuesday night when I'm here alone with S I will invite neighbor over for support - good idea!

RW - I never thought my H had NPD - but I still read that author quite abit to learn to be less codependant, and set firmer boundaries around verbal abuse. Lately I'm starting to wonder if he actually does...

[flowmom]

Perhaps Tuesday night when I'm here alone with S I will invite neighbor over for support - good idea!

Refuse to let it be grim. Make it festive! Make fajitas and drink margaritas and play music and make it into a little party for your S and friend.