still separated, in limbo, still hopeful

[Lotus]

Nice! I don't think saying that you have a lot to talk about and it's hard meant anything in particular. I think he was just validating what you said and filling a hole in the conversation with something that he thought sounded sympathetic. As for the life insurance, that's good! He understands where his responsibilities are and you want to keep it that way. Nice talk. Glad you feel better. You should.

[chatterbug]

Lotus normally I ignore your posts to people. But reading what you have written over the last few pages to newmama really makes my blood boil
When you say
Yeah, but....doesn't feel good to him that somebody cares?

And tell her that pursuing is not pursing.

Then follow up with conjecture and mind-reading.

Then add in some crumbs of false hope.

I need to say something.

This man you are saying that should feel good is a Piece of Chit.

Here are the facts.

Married 3 years. Starts an EA in July 2008.... Gets wife Pregnant in October 2008. Leaves wife when 7 months pregnant.
Sets up limbo hell and leaves newmama stuck there... Almost a year.

So lets add this up
"Married" 5 years some time this years.... 3 years Newmama, 2 Years OW.

Now I am going to throw something out there.

Piece of Chit loves OW and loves his child.

Newmama wants the security of a family so she lives in this purgatory for the sole reason that she had a child with him.

And you have the audacity to come here and say those things to newmama. To continue to support her in this hell.

Newmama had a deadline it was January 1st.

Now its summer.

Later on it will be the end of the year.

And all i see is a hurt woman , mother of a child held helpless. Stuck in limbo because of the fear of raising a child alone. Which she is doing. 2 hours a day is not a father. He is a horrible , horrible person. A poor father and I have zero respect for him and what he has done to this woman.

And you want him to feel good.

[ravenly1974]

Chatter----Completely agree, unfortunately. I did not see any words of hope in his response to Newmama. Just the opposite

Newmama, I think many of us here are very worried in 1 year, 2 years time we are going to see you in this exact same spot....Waiting, waiting, waiting, extending deadline after deadline for something that will not happen because right now WH has it soooooooooooo goooooood. He truly has the absolute best of both worlds. He has two women pining for him and completely allowing and encouraging this "limbo" stage. You have given him the red carpet treatment for his choices.

I wonder if deep down you feel you can "outwait" OW. That eventually she will get fed up because he hasn't "D"ed and leave him. I see that as an incredibly remote possibility--If she has any feelings for him she will believe anything that he tells her, like most women do. She was willing to love him in spite of a pregnant wife. Remember, it is HER that he is going home to at night...She is receiving all of the WH benefits and she knows this. He will tell her whatever he needs to to keep her staying put and because she is "getting" him, she has no reason to leave.

I am really sorry you are going through this...I know this is the HARDEST thing in the world a woman can go through - especially when you have a sweet innocent child in the mix of it. I have been through it myself and i know what it is like. Again, I am sorry and I hope my words are not too harsh.


((((((HUGS)))))) Please know I am here for you and praying for strength for you and hope that life gives you everything your heart desires. YOU ARE SOOOOO WORTH IT!!!!!!!!!!!!

[newmama]

Thanks for all of your opinions! I am going to be very blunt here and it will sound rude I am sure but here it is:

1) I am CHOOSING this path that I have started. It is a CHOICE. I can jump off whenever I want. It is my life. I am not withering away, dying, tortured, NOTHING BAD will happen to me if I am in limbo as long as I want to be! Seriously? What bad thing will happen????

2) my h is acting like a piece of Sh*t. but he is NOT a piece of Sh*t to the core or else I would have left him.

3) i am educated about affairs and long term affairs.

4)I will NOT do this forever! So i set a deadline of Jan 1 back in November- out of pressure from other people. It came to and i wasn't strong enough to do it.

5) kicking him out did crap. ultimatums did crap. i found divorcebusting. i am following the principles but not the LRT

6) I come from a family where my parents and every aunt has divorced and remarried and divorced again. I don't know how many of you have experienced this--this is a whole other subject.



Ok so I got that off of my chest.

[courageous wife]

Gotta love your spunk girl!!! We all have our opinions but in the end, it is what you want and are willing to do! I do think that you are strong enough that when/if the time comes to try the LRT and let go that you and baby boy will be just fine!!!

((hugs))

[mindfull]

HUGS NEWMAMA!

[flowmom]

Newmama, Cbug's reality check doesn't paint an optimistic picture of your sitch but there are truths that must be recognized .

OTOH, no one here has a crystal ball either...we don't know if you will end up being glad that you stuck through the "be the better option" strategy, or if you will end up regretting putting your life on hold.

I do believe that you will be OK either way. If you end up having to let go of your hope for reconciliation, you will experience the anguish and grief, then you will move on and live your life for you and your S.

Others may see your wish to reunite your family as a sign of weakness on your part, and it's true that our wishes for our children make us very vulnerable. But I also know from experience that as a mother I can draw on an inner well of strength. It's not a strength that looks tough or hard or assertive...it's the strength that allows the marsh grass to flex in the wind, then rebound. That kind of strength makes a lot of good things happen in this world...I see that strength in you

Are you in IC? If not, that seems like a good idea...to develop a therapeutic relationship that will be there for you no matter what in the next few months. You can put your decision point in the future, but you must not defer self care (including of your inner self).

[flowmom]

FWIW, I agree with the poster who expressed concern about the "mother love" you are giving to your H. If you want to "be the better option", I think you should consider sticking to the WMLB (why men love bitches) script more closely.

[blownaway65]

(((NM))) I respect your choice.

Stay strong if that's what you have to do

[Mila]

1) I am CHOOSING this path that I have started. It is a CHOICE. I can jump off whenever I want. It is my life. I am not withering away, dying, tortured, NOTHING BAD will happen to me if I am in limbo as long as I want to be! Seriously? What bad thing will happen????

Newmama It's always great to hear different opinions it makes you THINK and REVUE but only YOU know what's right for YOU.

I totally get where you are coming from since I'm also fighting to keep my family whole. Only YOU will know WHEN or IF to give up.

Hang in there you are doing great