So last night I had a girls' night... a get together with some friends to drink wine, pamper ourselves a bit etc. It was fun. But, I knew my H would be having a lot of time on his own because the kids had plans, I was out, and he had to stay in the city late for work. These were all of the previous factors that would be the times he would spend time with OW. I knew that and he knew that. This was actually the first time since piecing that we had one of these nights.
I had some anxiety about it during the day. But, I managed to work through that with breathing and self talk. I did ok. Better than I thought I would. H called me a few times to tell me where he was, what he was doing etc. That was good.
I went to my friend's house and once there, I acutally let go and had fun. I didn't think much at all about what H was doing. This surprised me! Over the past year, I would have spent that whole evening with a knot in my stomach and my mind continuously worrying about what he was doing. I was very proud of myself.
I got home before him, which previously was a trigger for me. Over the past year, if I would pull into our driveway and not see his car, I would instantly feel sick to my stomach and upset. This time, I shrugged it off.
He got home about 5 min. after me. He initiated talking about what the evening was like for him, and that he had some triggers too about the circumstances. He told me he drove to a park he had been to with OW once, but not because he wanted to relive good memories or hope to see her, but because he felt he needed to "conquer his demons" and get past this. I do believe him. He spent a long time telling me how he could never put either of us throug anything like this again and how much he thought about that last night. He was very loving and affectionate and tender.
I know what he was like when the A was going on. I have known and loved this man for over twenty years, and the whole time the A was happening, he was not himself. I ignored so many signs that something was wrong. This man is becoming the man I used to know again... slowly, the fog is lifting.
He said he really felt encouraged that last night was a step forward for us, and that we could talk about it. I think so too.
