Struggling with Hope

[ericmsant2]

Brwol/Jack/Everyone

Last night I read Brwol, Jack and several other posts to me..they really made me think about my sitch. It forced me to be very honest with MYSELF. Over the past few months I have been a hamster in a treadmill, spinning and spinning and spinning (a quote from Mach). It is time to get off the treadmill once and for ALL!

Over the past few months I have continue to snoop and search for answers as to how I can fix my M. The true reality is that my M is OVER. DONE, Kaputz! Dead! This is a reality that I have refused to accept. I know..I know…It takes time. Well I have to accept it. I really do. I should not have snooped. What good came out of it? Well I could say none but that is not the case. Yes, I hurt myself a little more, which was not good but I also showed myself that I still have a ways to go in terms of the changes that I want to make for ME.

Everyone and I mean everyone has given me great advice, which quite frankly I take for a day or two but revert back to the old me. To change one self takes TIME. I know now this and must embrace it. I must be gentle and patient with myself. I have a lot on my plate – a lot.

The fact that I am still snooping is an indicator that I have not detached completely and still have not dealt with my control and trust issues. Although I have made strides in areas like….loving unconditionally, becoming the best dad that I can be, controlling my emotions, listening, validating, and spiritually. I have not done as well in several of the areas that were issues in my M. I can honestly say that! I could sit here and justify my actions based on my circumstances, upbringing, social status, ethnic background, etc. but this is an excuse. You see I must CHOOSE to no longer use these excuses and focus on the area of improvement that are very, very clear now.

I must continue to peel myself open…kill the issues….accept the death of my M. As I move forward the new me will emerge – stronger, better, with a sense of peace and hope. Character, strength and honor will become the backbone of who I am. Fear, panic, hopelessness, controlling, jealousy and insecurity will no longer be a part of who I am. Today I stand for ME. Not for my W – for ME and my kids! Whoever does not like the new me well….F U!

I can't think why she would confront you, unless she found evidence of you snooping at least.

I suspect that she knows that I found the phone. As I was looking at the texts I inadvertently dialed OM number so it went thru he would have seen a missed call and may have said something to her. Based on her demeanor today I do not believe she will confront – she does not give a shite so why bother to confront.

Eric, I know EXACTLY what you're feeling inside I think, as do, I'm sure, many others on here.

Thank you – The pain I feel is immense…but I will pull thru…I will… It is more like a death.

I can only tell you that at this moment in time, nothing you could say would make your wife feel the slightest twinge of guilt. In her mind she has rationalized her actions many times over. In her mind she is completely justified in everything she is doing. Again I say, you CANNOT make her feel guilty, even if you wanted to.

Funny….my IC said that W is feeling a fair amount of guilt, which is why she is hiding the A. I actually do not know…Personally, knowing my W I suspect that she does feel some remorse and maybe some guilt but I am pretty sure she has justified this in her mind. As I recall she did tell me that “it was over” back in October, then in November, then again in February. In her mind it is over. We’ll…it now over in my mind. I would not even try and explain how disrespectful it is to run into the arms of someone else a few weeks after the bomb only to then run into the arms of someone else 2 months later. Look – we both screwed this M up – her and I can debate who, what, why, etc. Simple fact – it is over. So you are correct Bill – I cannot make her feel guilty. Just as I have a cross to bear with the issues that I brought the M – at some point in her life she will need to look at her actions. This is in God time not mine though..not mine.

I think she needs to leave. And I think she needs to leave soon. If you know for certain that she is sleeping with another man, and if you have pretty good reason to believe that it is active and continuing, I'm of the mind that she simply should not be in the house anymore.

It's just wrong to me. Her staying there is like making you complicit in her actions. It's like she receives further justification and permission because she still gets to stay in the house and play married.

Bill – I agree with you. Unfortunately, based on our circumstances this would create a mess and would have a major impact on my kids. They come first. Not me and not her – they do. As much as I would love to pack up her stuff and throw it out on the front lawn – this is not who I am. I will never be this way. I do not want to be this way (although I would get some immediate satisfaction – this though just feeds my ego). For reasons that only she can explain…she did not throw me out when I made my mistakes and so as a man of honor and character I will not do the same to her. As a man that loves unconditionally I will respect her and treat her as I would like to be treated. I cannot control her but I can control me. Will she see it – who knows…I have zero expectations. Now this is not to say that something should not be done. Right now I do not know what I will do. The old Eric would have reacted based on pure emotions – the new one gives thoughts to his actions and how they may impact others, specifically my kids. Part of me would like to be open and honest about the OM but right NOW this would accomplish nothing. It would speed up a process. It would be a control tactic – that is all. I will confront when I am sure that I’m done and have done all that I can do. I cannot pull her out of her MLC – I actually feel sorry for her in some ways. She has run into the arms of another as a means to “cover up her issues”. This is her cross to bear not mine. Her and I could debate that we have grown apart, married young, etc. I know that I did not work hard at my M. If she believes that she did, well then who am I to disagree. So know I must sit here and ponder what I will do. This will take time.

I knew, or heavily suspected enough. I confirmed the PA.

I do not know if it is a PA – based on the text messages it appears sexual but I do not know if it is physical. Guess what – I really don’t care anymore. It does not matter. She has already caused me enough pain to last a lifetime and I have caused her great pain. Getting to the point that this M could be repaired will take a very long time. We both need to heal. Trust is gone. Attraction is gone. We are very different people right now. Could a new M be formed yes – but that take two people not one.

ALL relationships have to die on their own.

This M is dead. Over. Done.

So I kept to my changes and was supportive of all else she was doing.

That is my plan – really work on me and nothing else. In terms of supportive – well I guess I am doing this by virtue of being a single parent right now. I am also supporting her need to “find herself” – once again will she ever realize that – who knows. In her mind I am sure that she is helping me. Nothing I can do about how she feels. I can only control myself.

When however the day passed that she set down as the day he would no longer be in her life and she was still sleeping with him.

That is when I was LRT done.

months later she begged for another chance...and after a rocky year of piecing things got better. Much.

I suspect that for me – the LRT will be done soon. I am not sure how long I can live this way but I do not want to put any timeline or limit on myself. Personally, I am starting to believe that we need to separate for a period of time.

My hope would be “months later” she would want to come back but quite honestly I do not think she will. In her defense…she was a daughter, wife and mother her entire life. She really does need this time to see what is out there. Since she has not addressed her dependency issues she will more than likely go from one to another for a period of time. Her pride may be the thing that stops her from trying to come back.

So while I support confrontation, I think the MLCer should SEE to the BENEFIT of the LBSer the good REAL changes they have made before any confrontation.

NOT blind stupid old confrontation of a jealous relationship that is stick a fork in it done.

Jack – I agree that confrontation is required (as Bwrol mentions) but like your approach a bit more. Right now if I confront I am confronting for a position of pain and jealousy – I need to reach the point where I am done.

In closing, I have a lot of work and things to sort out. Whatever actions I take will be taken with love, honor and peace. I will start a new post soon.

God bless everyone.

Eric