Is she seeking treatment? I don't know how to convince my H to stay in IC. He cancelled his last session and doesn't think he needs to go back. It is just so frustrating to watch...but at the same time..what can you do for someone like this?
She has sought treatment off and on, depends on her emotions at the time. If she feels happy, she "doesn't need treatment." If things aren't going the way she'd like; she needs meds and treatment. If a person truly has a PD, and I can't say for either one of them, my W or your H as I'm not a mental health professional, the experts says that they abandon treatment when it starts to hurt or they feel happy.
You cannot do anything for these individuals, unfortunately. That is a mindset that you need to rid yourself of; the "fixer" or "rescuer." Cause your MC is right; until you figure this out, you WILL marry the same man again. I can list all the girls that I've had relationships with and they all exhibit the same traits as my W. "Wounded birds" my IC calls them. I'd be willing to bet that most of us on this board are "fixers" and "rescuers."
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Has your W always displayed these symptoms? My H would display these symptoms 10% of the time...now these symptoms are the majority of his personality...somewhere along the way..these traits became dominant. What is the success rate of treatment even if he committed to sticking with an IC? It is so hard for me to relate to what he is feeling. I want to just shake him and say snap out of it. Could his inability to not feel for other people cause his depression? What approach do you take with someone like this? I have been detaching and pretty much 'dim' with him...am I abandoning him? or is being there for him enabling him?
Early on I didn't have a clue to my W displaying any of these traits. But looking back I can see where I might have overlooked some minor clues to her behavior. I would have to say that when things were new and she was getting "supply"; she was fine. But then I also have to take a look at my personality and how it played into it. I was happy to be the fixer; it was MY personality and it played into her's as well. Over time, with kids and day to day responsibilities started to prevent me from providing her with supply; she started to change. I do know that there were things that I should have done to keep the marriage alive. I didn't do what a H should have done, even in a "normal" marriage. However, her personality traits I think biased her response in dramatic fashion.
My W does say that a lot her depression is guilt-laden of what she's done to me and the family. Her normal instinct is to run and try to start anew. For a long time, I just put my head in the sand and ignored the obvious; hoping that she would come around. I feared losing her; and didn't want to rock the boat and cause her to leave. I think her craziness started making me crazy. Eventually, I had had enough.
I stopped enabling by not supporting her. I took her off the accounts, turned her cell phone off, quit buying her gas, etc. She left. After not having day to day interaction with her for a period of months; I started to see how unhealthy I was. Once I could see this, without being under the influence of her ways; it was then that I truly detached. I was able to see what I needed to do for ME.
Is that abandoning her? Absolutely not. If she has a true PD; she will only learn by consequences. I have been friendly to her; we do things occasionally as a family; but I will NOT rescue her again. I don't think she's healthy yet, not by a long shot. It will still be years before that happens. I have told her that I still stand for our M; but over time I feel myself fading from that.
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I am torn between helping my H, saving my marriage, and self preservation.
First, you can't help your H....remember that.
Self-preservation will save you. It may save your M; or you may decide that you deserve better than that.
With that said...work on your detachment, your 180s, GAL, and work on why you are attracted to such men with your IC. Let your H worry about himself and let him decide if he wants to rejoin the M. You do not have to be in any hurry to make a D decision; but you need to become healthy, happy and independent from him. Then if he rejoins your M; you'll be in a much better place.
