How do I act?

[Surviving03]

man I love talking to my DB coach Jody... I always feel 100% better when I get off the phone. Too bad it wasnt cheaper! lol...

What I learned from Jody:

Put down the rope! Her example: Even a 500 lbs Sumo Wrestler cannot win a tug of war fight with a 2 year old if the 2 year old will not pick up the rope. Meaning, my H presented me with a perfect opportunity for a fight with this car issue, but if I dont pick up that rope and react the way he acticipates I am going to, I cant enable him to start a fight with me or put blame on me or resentment towards me for not "allowing" him to make his own decisions and do what he wants or thinks is right. Now does that mean it was OK for him to go and buy a car? no... but i have to detach and let him make his own decisions and have his own consequences of those decisions without me being an enabler for more conflict between us.. By responding to his email the way I did, he cannot pull me into his mistake.

Now I have to work on establishing a friendship with my H. How would I have responded to a friend who emailed me and said hey im in Iraq and i just bought a car... i wouldnt yell and tell them they were stupid, I would say hey! good for you! I need to be a friend... and he will discover on his own what mistake he may have made without feeling like he has to defend himself to me, or do things in spite of me, or whatever...cause I am not creating a conflict out of it. In a way, he gave me a perfect opportunity to show him that I am serious about my changes, he expected me to be pissed and tell him he was stupid, but i didnt... and he is probably really confused by that.

I am upset that he created that kind of financial situation for us or even just for himself... but all the money in the world is not as important as our marriage. This is a power and control thing for him right now... he felt in our marriage that he had no control or power over anything... so here he is taking some control, and I put down the rope and allowed him to do that. He will discover on his own that it was a bad decision, and he will have to sit with that, but it wont have anything to do with me or our marriage.

Thanks Jody, you set me back on the right path!