Yes, I have read quite a few of your posts, It really does suck to be here. I wish you much strength on your own journey.
I will try to hold in the hurt, part of me really wants to spew at him, to share my anger at how he so casually destroyed us and seems to have no problems walking away from everything we worked to build together. And yet I guess I also should have expected it, seeing over the past year how he has 'divorced' himself from friends, siblings, parents, my family. Guess I was the last one left to leave.
I truly do feel like I will be a failure if we divorce. Both of our parents are married for close to 40 years, grandparents together, siblings together with their spouses. I was so sure of his love and thought I had married a good guy and a rock, it devastated me to find out otherwise. I realize this isn't my fault, husband has had problems with deep depression for years, was diagnosed with serious illness year after we were married. I never considered this a burden, just part of dealing with things that come up with people you love. Its part of why this hurts so much, I feel like he hit 40, suddenly things got a bit difficult (for him) to deal with aging, and it was 'see you later...." I know it isn't entirely ALL his fault, I'm not perfect, but I feel like at least I'm willing to give an effort to save us, whereas he seems like he could care less.
Thanks for the reminder to focus on me. That is one of the things that I do find hard to do, I have spent so much of my life and marriage making sure everything is ok for others. When ever my husband had a need I tried to fill it, yes often at the expense of what I wanted. This is definitely a new thing trying to do what I want. Part of the house renovations were a start in that direction - I started to think "I've always hated that wallpaper...we could really use a new lamp..." and decided to change those things. Small start I know, but I guess it at least gave me a small measure of control when I feel like everything else is spinning beyond my reach.
It does help to know that others are in the same situation, no one I personally know seems to have gone through this.
Me - 38 Husband - 40 MLC! Together 12 years Married 11 years Still the love of my life Forever only lasted 10 years before his MLC and affair
