My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations)

[hoosiermama]

DQ, what you're talking about is baby steps and faking it till you make it. And those things work; in fact they're the only things that work when you're really down.

I have come a long way. Because I was really down, probably even before the bomb. I had sort of experienced two major betrayals and abandonments simultaneously--literally the same week--my marriage and my ministry position. And in their endings, both my xH and my bosses told me terrible things about myself that I knew were not true but were excuses for discarding me. And while I never doubted that they were lies, a lot of former friends believed them--and I lost job, marriage, family, and most of my friends all at the same time. I think I could have bounced back from divorce much more quickly without the other factors; I am nothing if not resilient.

But anyway, here I am, finally able to look ahead instead of behind (the previous paragraph was only in explanation of my "stuckness"). I think I'm finally past the point of internalizing the crap, much of the anger, and moving on toward rising from the ashes. Occasional forays back into those places, but less and less often. If I could just get past the crushing loneliness and lack of connection now--and I'm working on that.

I think I've understood for awhile now that xH never deserved me...I think I knew that while I was still married even. But I feel it at different levels, and knowing what and how I contributed to my own misery has been a huge help in that. I hate that I lost myself in that relationship--but I think I just turned my attention toward pastoral ministry, which was giving me much more back than my husband was at the time, rather than actually losing myself. I think it was how I saved myself--even tho I lost the marriage. But seriously--that was never going to work. I know that now.

Thank you again so much for the words of wisdom and encouragement. You've affirmed that I am headed in the right direction.