I really could use some advice. When would be the proper time to tell my H that this will be his LS, but I will protect myself with my own L? H is under the impression that we will be using the same L. I feel that it would not be in my best interest to use the same attorney. H will be very angry when he finds out because he once stated that he thought we agreed on all of this. I agreed to NOTHING it was all H telling me how it was going to go. (I am not worried about making H angry)
I am asking now as H is switching his half of the property over to S26 and that will be finalized pretty soon. I believe that is when H will put the LS into motion. I think that H believes at this point that I'm OK with his leaving because I have backed off so much. Do I just wait and 'surprise' him or let him know ahead of time? I am not retaining my own L with the hopes of taking H for all I can get. All I want is what's fair. Being that the L that H uses has been his L before we were together. I just feel that having my own would be looking out for me.
If anyone could give insights I sure would appreciate it.
It is in YOUR best interest to have your own L. It is my udnerstanding that if your H has retained his L, then his L will be obligated to his interests and what they have discussed...at least it is that way in a D but assume it would be that way in a LS. Have you talked with an L yet? I would do that first and go from there on when/if to tell your H. Wishing you the best!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
I am in the exact same poition. My H has decided that D is what he wants----and that in that case I have to agree. He also has suggested that if I don't give him the D (quick, easy, "agreed to") that he wants that I will only be dragging our kids through court and making things difficult for THEM. He told me to get a lawyer----and said that by doing this HE was initiating the divorce (because I told him that I would not initiate something that I believed to be wrong). I did get a L. I made it clear that she is to represent me and my interests. My H is a L----he says that he will represent himself, I KNOW because he thinks my L will do it all and he only has to sign the final decree----of what we BOTH want. At this point my H does not know that my L will not do this for him. I did give him her name. He has made contact----asked "what do you need from me?" She replied and asked "how do you see this proceeding?"........he has not responded.
I did not get a L to take him for all he has. I did not get a L to fight this tooth and nail and drag our kids through a messy divorce. I got a L because I cannot handle what all of this means and will mean for my future----I am still very emotional about all of this and do not think that we should be in this position. I need someone that is in my court, objective and will think about the future when I can only think about things from minute to minute. I don't think it is in my best interest to have my L file HIS divorce, and I worry that some day down the road he will feel like he has been "taken" and I don't want to deal with that. (My H is a L, but not a family L----and has no experience with divorce.)
I know he will be angry when he learns that she won't do the work for HIM, but at this point I don't care. I have to protect myself and my future and my kids----you have to protect you and your future. In my opinion (granted there are people out there that know WAY more about this than I do), I don't think you need to tell him you are getting a L at all. My L explained to me that even the simplest, non-confrontational divorces begin with one party filing. I assume your H will file with the help of the L that he has used in the past----and at that point your L can step in, or you could have your L contact his L so the L knows you have representation. This does NOT have to happen the way your H wants it to. This is DIVORCE----you don't have to worry about making him happy at this point (boy do I need to drive that into my head!).
I have made it clear to my L that I will not be filing. At some point my H will learn that and file on his own, and my L will go to work. You do not have to do this his way. In the end, you have to be at peace with yourself and know that you handled this the best way for you, and at some point your H will either accept the fact that you needed to look out for yourself, or he won't-----but the only thing that matters is how you feel.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
CW and TCBTE, thanks so much for your insights. I can't imagine where I would be if I hadn't found this BB when I did. Just knowing there are folks out there who understand sure helps.
I haven't retained a L yet. Trying to get leads on some that are pro marriage. Regardless, I will not file because I don't agree that this even had to happen, but will protect myself and the kids when H does. I'm trying not to give this too much headspace, but do want to be prepared when it happens. I will just tell H that I agreed to nothing and that this is his LS. If the shoe was on the other foot and I had done this to him I would expect him to do no less than to retain his own legal council to protect his interests.
Questions out of curiosity. Do MLCer's ever peek out of the tunnel while they're in replay? Or does this happen when they're bouncing around in the stages? Do they bounce around while ow is present or remain in replay?
I find the more I understand about MLC the better I deal with my sitch, so any insight is much appreciated!
Yes, they do peek out periodically during the crisis. The peeking is called "moments of sanity and/or clarity".
Your second questions is yes, they bounce around even w/the ow in the picture. As they travel through acceptance, the ow should slowly fade away, but again, it varies between the mlcers. No two situations are completely alike.
Since you are taking steps to learn more about mlc, may I suggest that you read the Resources threads and also the MLC Archives....lots of information in this area.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you so much Snodderly! I've been reading them, but the information gets jumbled up in my head. lol I need to learn to break it down into smaller pieces.
Right now I'm very confused on another issue. I've read that we're to show our MLCer (actually for ourselves) that we're capable of carrying on just fine without them. That they are attracted to strength and confidence and to light the way home. I've read in other places where the MLCer needs to be needed. How do you know which way to be with them?
I don't need my H as I'm going to be fine without him. I just want him because I love him.
They gravitate towards strength and independence. They want us to go on w/our lives and learn how to do things while they are in la la land. During their early travels, they want us to cut them loose so that they do not have any responsibilities nor feel guilty about not doing things for us. As you travel along, if you point blank ask your h to assist you, he may very well say no, choose to ignore your request or just plain forget about it.
However, as they travel further along the path, there will be times when they will actually offer up to assist you...thus the white knight rescue. By this time, you aren't sure whether to ask for assistance or say you'll do it yourself. You are then just as confused as they are as to the boundaries that are playing out between the two of you. Sometimes, you have to follow their lead. If the mlcer offers to assist you w/something and it's not crossing into your boundary, then accept...but be sure to thank the mlcer for doing the deed.
Now, this is where it will get sticky. Once the mlcer has offered to assist a spouse, the spouse automatically "assumes" that he/she is waking up and can call on the mlcer for assistance at any time....NADA! Accept the mlcer's moment of clarity and leave them alone after that....no expectations. Allow the mlcer time to digest what he/she has done and for he/she to see that you are not going to pursue or have high expectations. Pressure, guilt and expectations will send them running to the hills.
Keep in mind, there will be some things that you will need to ask him directly to assist you with and cannot wait for him to pony up. But, as a rule, you know your h better than we do....you will know when to ask for assistance and when not to.....it's all in following his lead and your gut instinct.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you so much for clarifying that Snodderly! Your knowledge and insights are a blessing!
I've only asked for H's assistance as it relates to child or finances. He's been very willing to help out, unless he forgets which happens because his memory is whacked.
Two days ago my H informed our Ds that when he and ow go on vacation that they were going to stop by to visit our grandkids. He will be introducing ow to the grandchildren.
Today H calls up and asks if S26 is still up (3rd shifter) because he forgot to tell him what they wanted to eat at a retirement dinner they were going to. (H and S26 work at the same place. I used to work there too, that's where I met H).
I don't know if H is informing me on purpose that he's going to be introducing ow to family and friends, but I can't take it and would like to ask him to stop letting me know these things.
Should I ask him politely to stop it or let it go? It hurts so bad.
