wow. H called me and we had a very interesting conversation. It was kind of all over the place so be patient with me as I try to make this coherent.
He spoke about if we were going to patch things up..we need to look forward and not look behind. I told him that we would have to figure out the reasons for his A... I don't want the gory details..but we would need to figure out what caused him to do that. He brought up sex addiction...I asked him why he would think that. He watched something on Larry King last night and he said some of it sounded like him. No concern for others, reckless behavior etc. I asked him if he thought he had a sex addiction. He said no. OK?
I told him what the MC said about rebelling. He always did the right thing or tried to do the right thing. He then said the following..and I am just going to number them. In no particular order..because my head is spinning.
1) He has ended the A and has figured out how to do that. He has made a choice and has and will stick to it 2) He is unhappy in his life and he has no idea what is causing it..career, job, house, marriage etc. 3) He realizes that he really never has been happy but doesn't know what to do about it..asked me for suggestions on what would make him happy 4) He lacks empathy and doesn't feel things for other people like he should. He is completely selfish and he cannot help it. Told me how great I have treated him and he was never able to treat me the way that I should be treated 5) He is debating on just letting me go so that I can get the love I deserve because he does not believe he is capable of giving what is needed in a relationship to anyone.. 6) Him not being able to give himself to anyone or love completely is innate.. He has always felt that way and thinks perhaps that he is better off just staying away from people in general. Doesn't think there is anything to fix that. 7) He hates that he is so miserable but does not see an answer for making it better..again looking for suggestions 8) He doesn't understand how he could have done any of this to someone he loves 9) He think that he doesn't need to see his therapist anymore..he is done with his self destructiveness and just needs to start making some decisions 10) I told him that his depression is not due to external things..that it is internal..I didn't know how to explain this very well..so any suggestions would help please!! 11) He doesn't think about other people..can only think of himself (same as selfish but stated separately) 12) Wants MC to teach us how to piece things together going forward..doesnt want to dwell on the past 13) Doesn't know if he can live a conventional life 14) Doesn't think he ever really made me happy (although I told him that was untrue)
He got off the phone saying he cannot talk anymore about this for tonight but wants to come by tomorrow. What do I make of all this?
It was a call of mixed messages..I am just disturbed.
4) He lacks empathy and doesn't feel things for other people like he should. He is completely selfish and he cannot help it. Told me how great I have treated him and he was never able to treat me the way that I should be treated
Here's a quick test that might help you determine if your H has an addiction or is just selfish.
--> Did he ever do anything for the other woman, the one he was fooling around with, that made her life easier but made your life or your H's life harder?
If the answer is yes, then he's selfish. If the answer is no, then he has an addiction. An addiction is a disease, so he wouldn't discriminate based on who he's around.
He'd treat you and her equally. Like dirt.
its like someone who has diabetes. They don't stop having diabetes because they are in a grocery store, in the hospital, or driving their care. A disease is constant and doesn't change.
Selfishness is doing what benefits him. If he felt bad that he might hurt the other woman's feelings or he wants to be 'nice" to her, then you have your answer. He has empathy. It exists, he just has to choose it.
He just might not have empathy for you. Trust me, I *know* that's a hard statement to swallow. But in this case, it has nothing to do with you; there's nothing that you did that drove him to another woman.
Obviously, based on what the answer is the direction you'll need to take to reconcile.
He treated her the same..I have text messages that were just ridiculous. He strung her along too. I am not sure if it is an addiction..if it makes it any better.
He treats everyone pretty much the same way..objects..unless he consciously tries...even then it is difficult for him. Even his mother.
After our conversation...I am more convinced then ever that he suffers from NPD. Has anyone had any experience with this? I feel sad for him but at the same time I want to run.
If he is NPD or has any other symptoms of any other Cluster B PD...odds are not good that he'll ever change.
But unless you're a psychologist; you can't make a diagnosis of him and he has to be the one to get treatment. I would make that a "must-have" for recon. He needs serious treatment; 3-5 years of it, most likely. Some of those statements that you wrote are almost word for word what I have heard from my W. She has been told that she's possibly HPD and my IC thinks she's BPD. All the PD's are close and if a person has one; they likely have symptoms from another.
Is she seeking treatment? I don't know how to convince my H to stay in IC. He cancelled his last session and doesn't think he needs to go back. It is just so frustrating to watch...but at the same time..what can you do for someone like this?
Has your W always displayed these symptoms? My H would display these symptoms 10% of the time...now these symptoms are the majority of his personality...somewhere along the way..these traits became dominant. What is the success rate of treatment even if he committed to sticking with an IC? It is so hard for me to relate to what he is feeling. I want to just shake him and say snap out of it. Could his inability to not feel for other people cause his depression? What approach do you take with someone like this? I have been detaching and pretty much 'dim' with him...am I abandoning him? or is being there for him enabling him?
I am torn between helping my H, saving my marriage, and self preservation.
I do feel the same as you....am I abandoning my husband? or am I enabling him. Our situations are certainly not the exact story, however similar enough. I am such an impatient person and the waiting and not knowing what to do just drives me crazy. Totally crazy! I too feel like to just shake my husband and tell him to wake up from this bizaar nightmare.
I know this probably didn't help any, but I feel your pain......being stuck on the ride and wanting off.
I find myself asking constantly if I could look back 10-15 years from now and be happy with my husband and the "ride" on this roller coaster would have been worth it. Or should I get off the "ride" now and then 10-15 years from now would I regret giving up on what could have been? Should I just divorce him and if he wakes up from the weird place he is, would he come find me?
I hate the unknown and I feel like I am just drifting along on a ride that doesn't stop.
M 35, husband 35 M 10 Limbo 9/2009-12/2010 he left for his moms and came home way to many times to count Home 12/2010-present
exactly. after my bizarre conversation with my H...his mother called him and had an equally bizarre conversation. My poor MIL is beside herself. She spewed Assh*le, jacka**, and other words at him. They have never argued in the 10 years I have known him. She doesn't know who he is...
His mother told him she was done with him and giving up...and then he stopped acting like a jerk*ff and said "no...no..you cannot be done with me..I am your son." This is breaking her heart. His moods are so erratic. His sister called me soon after and said she needs to call him tomorrow because she cannot take anymore. His family has only showed him love and support...they are heartbroken by the way he has treated me and the way he is treating them. He is a complete stranger.
I think he may need to be committed...I am half joking but half serious. His family meant the WORLD to him...and he is treating them the same way he has been treating me....like sh*t. I am just at a loss of words...
He is coming here tomorrow..not sure which personality I am going to get...what is going on?????
Again I ask all DB and DR pro's...what do I do in this situation? Do I go 'dark' or do I stand by my man? Is there some appendix with guidelines on how to deal with mental illness?
Wow! Just catching up here this a.m. a lot happened yesterday for you. Go back to that detaching link I sent you upthread I think I did any way. You are not abandoning him. This is a disease yes but like I said and I got this from MarriedCrazy cancer doesn't make people do bad things. You cannot be the brunt of his bad behavior. When you detach YOU become healthy. When you are healthly you can make the right decision for YOU. I am practicing this now and it really is helping. It is we with the pure hearts that have the most trouble with this and it is we who find ourselves here because our hearts seek the truth.
Lola you will find it. Keep the faith.
Grit
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
