The MAIN thing I have learned in all of this THUS FAR is that I was not living my life to please GOD but rather MAN ( my H ) and look where that got me!
It's a hard pill to swallow that is for sure as I feel sad for what has happened with my H but more so I cry when I apologize to my Father for looking to my H for his LOVE and approval rather than HIM.
I felt for a little while right in the beginning that it was Gods way of saying, " um excuse me, I think your forgetting about someone, you know the one who brought your husband home the 1st time...and now look at you all tunnel vision again with your H and not keeping ME (being Christ) as the center.
I know this is not true, I know our God is not a punishing God but I do know he is a jealous God with respect to having others/things as our gods and mine sadly was my H
Would you believe me if I said I had been that same boat? I served the Lord, BUT I literally worshipped the ground my husband walked on...and it was WRONG! Since the devil couldn't get to me, he attacked me THROUGH my husband and his crisis. It nearly destroyed me.
I have since learned that GOD comes FIRST, my husband comes SECOND, family comes THIRD. Without God, there is no marriage, without the marriage, there is NO family. Without family, there is NO unity. Everything is BROKEN. When you put Him first, all other things fall right into place.
Husband or NO husband; the Lord should ALWAYS come first, as you have hit the nail on the head; He is a jealous God, and He has a right to be; He is the maker and creator of ALL, that gives Him the right to be jealous. Besides, we're breaking the first commandment when we put our husbands above the Lord.
On the other hand, I have never understood why He allows families to be broken down...that is one of the things I think I will never understand...and only HE knows why, and my human mind would not comprehend it, even if He decided to explain it to me..which He explains some things, but not others.
The Bible says His ways are not our ways, His thoughts are not our thoughts; what I see and understand is that He is much higher than we are.....He understands all things, sees a bigger picture than we do. Yet, He will NOT tamper with free will; He will allow us to make mistakes we learn from every day of our lives; and we reap what we sow, whether good or bad, it all comes back.
Distancing is all a part of MLC; and it, apparently, is a necessary part...they are trying to figure out what they want, and in that process, move away, or distance themselves from spouse and family, regardless of where a divorce is filed or not. I AND our son experienced that same distancing; you've most likely read my story, and see where, finally, I had to let him go, he was SO angry; and I couldn't figure out what was going on. He did this for quite awhile; until the bomb I got; which was me busting him in the viewing of internet porn; then OW showed up, and it nearly did me in. The shock was nearly too much.
It was a really rough row to hoe for me. And a bitter pill to swallow at that time. If it hadn't been for the Lord, (on a night before Thanksgiving; two months after the bomb dropped I had hit rock bottom, was contemplating suicide, and almost did it), I would not be here now, nor would I have even showed up in the first place.
I had NOT found this place at that time...this came later on, as I was getting what I was going to need to do within ME.
I figured out later on, NO MAN was worth ending my life over; and I found strength that I never knew existed.
Anyway, the distancing IS part of this; they turn on their wives and families..not only distancing from those, but their OWN families; mother, father, sister, brother....everyone from their "old" life is excluded; as the distancing increases.
It seems they are trying to "break ties" with all in the beginning; very similar to a pubescent teenager that is trying to find himself.
Assuming they start their journey back, they reconnect in "reverse" order, with the spouse being last in line.
I've seen this happen. Only my husband was a little crooked in this...our son was the first; I guess, because he pursued son for a relationship, then HIS family, then his friends, then me..I definitely WAS the very last in line.
But it was a LONG time coming.
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He and the kids were inseparable before...I mean he was with them all the time and now it's like it doesn't phase him... For HIM TO BE OKAY with me moving to CA. with them and that he suggested it REALLy makes me wonder? How can HE BE OKAY with that? They are so young...
I can understand the bewilderment of the children; it seems the "rug" has been jerked out from beneath them, and though YOU are there to catch them; your husband was the one who pulled that proverbial rug.
Again, this is part of the MLC/confusion/fog they experience; and to some extent they don't know what they are doing...they are just "doing", and doing what they want to when they want to, no matter what or who it hurts.
You do realize that every time your husband looks at you, you represent "accountability" to him don't you? You and the children are serious reminders of that accountability; and he doesn't want that...it may be at the bottom of his being "ok" with you moving away. In other words, he is reminded(held accountable for) of his mistakes every time he looks at you, and you don't have to even say one word about it.
I saw that same truth in my husband's eyes, although they were empty the majority of the time, but at others when he looked at me, they were, for just a moment, filled with some of the most awful pain I could NEVER imagine experiencing; as I, too, reminded him that he was accountable for his actions toward me.
And it bothered me; and later on, thinking of that, helped me to understand why he wanted to get away from me...and he did; by not coming home when he was supposed to, staying away as long as he could before finally coming in.
Why he never left me, I really never knew..but he did say a long time later on,(when he broke Withdrawal) that he'd thought of it three different times; but the third time, he was forced to look forward to see what life would be like without me in it, and he actually didn't want that. If he had left me, I wouldn't have known until I discovered he wasn't coming back...he said he would have just walked away, never coming back...I'd have never heard from him again.
But it wasn't just that; the changes that had taken place within me WERE necessary; as they DID affect him...he came to a place where he didn't know me; had tried to make me "go back" to the old me that he knew..and I wouldn't back down.
He finally figured out that if he didn't get his act together, he was going to lose me; didn't know that wasn't exactly true; I was being so mysterious with him, that it actually threw HIM off balance, where before I had been off-balance.....and I never knew that he was actually AFRAID he'd lose me until that same talk. I would never have known by his behavior toward me; he seemed to be of opposite thinking.
So, you really never know what's going on in their minds. And God works in such mysterious ways, that while you might think you're better off moving away; He might think it's better if you stayed around; yet it's STILL your choice on what to do about that.
Hope all is well at this time, R2; I dropped by to check on you.
I've still got a long way to go to get to where I'm going.
Blessings to you this evening; may God continue to watch over you and the children.
You come across as such a sweet lady..yet, there's hard core strength in you...you and CW have alot in common there.
That same strength that neither of you can see, but yet others wish they had, and can attain; if they would but ask the Lord for it.
Much love, HB
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
