I am going to pitch the same advice I offer others
1. Expose this affair
To who? To anyone who may apply pressure to your wife to END her Infatuation with this man.
And YES, call it infidelity, do NOT call it a "relationship". They are TWO VERY different things.
Infidelity is to romantic realtionships what Stalking is to dating. It's selfish, deluded, and creepy.
Now, you mentioned church, you mentioned this OM has a wife, you think of anyone else in your famliy who may pressure this affair to END.
how do you expose? You reveal these key points
1. You want your marriage (I assume) 2. Your wife is infatuated with a married man she's been seeing in secret. 3. Now your wife is convinced if she runs away with him her life, your life, and your children's lives will be better off. 4. You do NOT agree - EVERYONE gets hurt by divorce. 5. Please do what you can to persuade my wife to reconsider.
These are the key points you want your support group to impress upon her.
You tell EVERYONE who might be willing or able to help.
Warning : You will find many people you thought were your "freinds" turn their head away and don't want to get involved.. it is at times like these where you find out who your true friends are... cherish these people when they rally to your side, and remember to show your thanks when this is over.
2. Intervenstion and confrontation
Once you expose the affair you contront your wife.
You tell her that your marriage and your family are the most important thing to you and that you will do everything you can to save that.
Your wife will very lilkey scoff or make some excuse.
IGNORE it. Maintain your position and your dignity.
a. Do NOT BEG b. Do NOT ARGUE c. Do NOT NEGOTIATE
You leave your friends to do your negotiating for you.. the friends and famliy whom you exposed this affair to.
You distance yourself from her. Do what you can to stay clear.
Right now your instincts are to cling to her like glue. Your instincts are to follow her around and persuade her to stay and not divorce. Your instincts are to make her understand this is a mistake she will regret later.
Your instincts are WRONG
SHE is following her instincts... Your wife is letting her feelings drive her actions and turning her back on logic and good judgement... Do NOT follow in her footsteps... KEEP your HEAD about you.
You do this by keeping your distance from her. Do NOT talk to her, do NOT help her, do NOT Do anything to directly try ti influence her changing her mind. You will have work to do, but chasing her is NOT that work.
It is early on, so I am not reccomending protection phase yet... I am counting on it not getting to that point.
1. You need to start finding a GOOD Family therapist, this can take weeks. You want a FT that treats infidelity as an addiction, one who is PRO MARRIAGE and will NEVER reccomend divorce unless the COUPLE both want to pursue that. you want to look for a good FT that you will start seeing on your own. Your wife will want to follow the example you set, so start setting a good one by going to a FT.
2. Get in contact with OMW. TELL HER EVERYTHING. EXPOSE this to OMW. Show her ANY EVIDENCE you have. She will NOT believe you without it. Do NOT ENABLE this infidelity by keeping it a SECRET.
Affairs survive on three things :
1. Secrecy 2. Sex 3. Emotion
These three ingredients create a ROMANTIC FANTASY that is VERY addictive and causes even a healthy mind to be deluded into thinking they are in some silly hollywood movie and they will run off together and be happy for ever after. This is as believable as a lottery commercial. You need to BREAK this fantasy with REALITY.
You bring your friends, your family, her friends, her famliy, and ESPECIALLY OM's WIFE bearing down on those two.
YOU do NOT talk to your wife direclty about this at ALL. She WILL confront you. Do NOT argue.
Your mantra is this
"Everything I am doing I am doing to save our marriage and our family"
And you walk away.
The more whispers behind her back, the more people shaking their head at her, the more SHAME she experiences, the less EXCITING her affair will be... and she will GRADUALLY come to her senses, it will take WEEKS of work.
Affairs do NOT end overnight.
Confront OM. Go to his house, talk to him AND his wife and TELL HIM to STAY AWAY FROM YOUR WIFE.
Presumably you have kids and he does as well. If this is the case, you impress upon him and his wife that
"We are adults and we have obligations that far transcend how we FEEL right now..."
He is also experiencing depression. Anyone emotionally vulnerable is more prone to an addiction. He may not even be taking any medication he may have been prescribed.
You CAN put an end to this affair, but do NOT do it through yoru WIFE, this will do TOO MUCH DAMAGE.
Go after OM and OMW and tell them to leave YOU TWO alone to work on your marriage while THEY work on THEIRs.
You make regular phone calls to them to check in.
you make sure they are working on their marriage. Do NOT keep these calls a secret, if your wife asks, you TELL her you are trying to protect TWO HOUSEHOLDS here. You do what you can to keep that family together and yours together.
Keep pressing on OM to LEAVE your HOME ALONE.
If he goes to church, tell people in church who will pressure him or those who he will at least be embarassed by knowing.
You make sure this infidelity LOOKS and FEELS like a CREEPY SORDID AFFAIR .. THAT will bust up the roantic fantasy your wife has in her head.
You make it into something embarassing and shameful.
Your wife will forgive you. SHe will be FURIOUS, but that's jus the addiction talking.
