I really do hear everyone insisting I must have had some physical attraction. Consider this: - Never had any sex before marriage, (nor dated) - I like sex - Was 22...pretty close to peak desire - Never had sex often, kids product of high fertility - Except for one b/w picture, I never got to see her full face. I only sat to "court" her once, and it was the weirdest thing cause I remember it feeling like an interview to see if she really was OK to move to Canada. - etc, etc.
I have been trying to make positive comments about her appearance, but if I tried to lie I would be easily caught, so I don't. It has to be a full and genuine feeling. Last week, and twice this week, I've found ways to intro the idea she's beautiful (honestly), thinking about how other's see her and she sees herself.
I'm trying to not repeat the comments of the past, and I am avoiding the topic to some extent. Our R isn't strong enough. I TOTALLY understand your points on how that must have hurt her. I didn't ever think that it would be a M destroyer to acknowledge the lack of desire, though. I hope it won't be.
I know I play the cultural card a lot, but it really is an issue for me. FA's right - that isn't the way to win my W. When I first said it, I wasn't trying to. Back in Oct, I was justifying why a D was inevitable.
I really did NOT love her. I know every sees that as crazy, but I really never did. Whenever we got a bit closer, something came up and I had no tools to deal with it.
Now, I have some tools, and some growing love. She's finally, after 11 years, telling me assertively how she feels about things more often. The first time I felt complete forgiveness for some of our past issues was on Tuesday.
If anyone has ideas, some questions because while I didn't bring the topic up since RV, she's unlikely to drop it.
1. Should I be mainly aiming for forgiveness for the comment about her appearance & make honest excuses for saying it, or for making positive comments that are honest but perhaps small to make her feel beautiful?
2. I have started to focus on the clothes and say 'you look beautiful' meaning her in the clothes. Do you feel it is rude to ignore that I find her physically beautiful but not attractive to me?
3. I think that as we connect and I find love for the first time in the marriage, it is possible I could start seeing something that really gets me going. Perhaps with her IC, she might understand why it bothers her, and then find happiness with me knowing I'm attracted to being with her body despite not being head over heals for it. So, is it reasonable to ask her to give me a few months to screw my head on straight and see if an attraction develops over time?
4. We haven't cancelled the D plan yet; I'm waiting to see if I can maintain my love that is brand new for a few more weeks. (are my emotions real or temporary). Should I reconcile again with her even though we've had a failed reconciliation in January, or wait until our R is more stable in a month?
