WAH in MLC with PA

[DiamondGirl]

Hi Flowmom,

That was an awesome link. I'll have to explore it further...

It is so true that we never think of the true miracle of the things our world and bodies are capable of...

I'm trying to slow myself down and pay more attention to the present and what all my senses are experiencing..

That's another issue I've been really starting to work on.. the mind/body connection...

I think I distanced myself from my emotions and sensations to protect myself as a kid... now I feel things.. but can't identify what exactly I'm feeling or sensing..

I've been trying to meditate a bit each day so that link you sent is right up my alley!

[DiamondGirl]

One of my GAL activities this weekend was to sleep over a girlfriend's house and go to a psychic the next day...

The sleepover was fun.. some wine.. a movie barely watched.. lots of talking.. just what the DB doctor ordered...

Went to the psychic's home and drank some coffee so she could 'read' the ground patterns...

The only thing I said to her was my name and gave my date of birth. She asked me the date of births of my two kids (without me telling her I had any) and asked which was the female (didn't tell her I had one of each either).

Apparently this is supposed to be a good year for me.. in every way..and next year won't be too bad either.

She said that my M to H was over (I knew that!) and that I would be remarried in 2011 and that the second M would last...

She said that H was stubborn, angry, and a little lazy so he isn't a right fit for me (right now, he sure isn't!).

She feels that I will be divorced this year and that I will remarry someone who I knew before... (and went on to give details about him that may or may not fit an ex boyfriend of mine)

I'm taking the above with a pound of crystal, like I said, because IMO the future is not carved in stone, that choices make the difference in the outcomes. Her saying I was going to marry someone else could be interpreted as H being different coming out of the "fog"...

In any case, it was fun for chits and giggles...

[DiamondGirl]

I realized that the notion of not staying married to H and the possibility I could marry someone else did not incite a panicked or anxious feeling in me at all.

I realize that I will be fine whatever happens in the future and that being alone for awhile without anyone in my life doesn't bother me any more.

I feel like I'm almost back to the point I was when I met H all those years ago. (except I've got two cute extras tagging along now...)

Being responsible for them is a little scary, but then again, I've been with them from the beginning...

I still have the romantic notion of raising my children with their biological father, but it's not the end of the world if it doesn't work out that way...

Today, I would say I'm detached from H.. Tomorrow, well I'm not worrying about it until it shows up!

As for the ex-boyfriend idea, it would just be going backwards in time as far as I am concerned, when my goal is to move forward instead.. so I think I'll disregard the psychic's recommendation to send him a text message..

[DiamondGirl]

I've been feeling very detached from H in the last couple of days.. Even had a brief email exchange without it phasing me at all..

But the peace and detachment feels weird!

I've been used to fighting for things/myself all through my life.. so peaceful feelings are so foreign to me... I feel like I should be doing some action or something.. other than what I am doing now.. but there isn't the urgency to actually take action...Or any particular action I'd like to take...

I'm hoping this awkwardness will fade, because I think this weirdness is what used to prompt me into doing rash things to cause chaos... but even the awkwardness feels different, so I'm hoping not this time.. I have a mindfulness now that I didn't have before..

I think because I was raised in such a dysfunctional environment chaos and conflict is more comfortable than peace to me .. if that makes any sense..

I don't have the urgent drive I used to feel anymore.. and it's not a bad thing as maybe I was running from myself then too..

Is it normal for detachment and peace to feel weird?

[DiamondGirl]

Okay.. Very weird convo with H... The old H appeared briefly tonight by phone... And I'm not getting too excited... am still feeling the detachment of H's life/probs etc aren't mine...

H calls me up late tonight and asked if he could come and stay overnight tonight.. I asked him why, what's going on? He said that SIL2 got drunk and started yelling at him at what an unfit father he is, how he's ruined everything in his life... So he asked me if I thought he was an unfit dad... I told him I didn't think he was but that he didn't see much of the kids these days... He said it was hard with school and work... I just said hmmm...

He said that karma was coming back to get him now. He has no home, no money, and that he's done a lot of damage to a lot of people in his life so he deserves everything he gets.

I said that I wasn't sure what to say to him, that he took a lot of action for what he thought he wanted and I'm sorry it isn't working out the way he wanted it to.

He then said that he had to get off the phone as someone called the cops because SIL2 was so loud and ranting and the cops wanted to talk to him.

I didn't think he'd call back, but he did. SIL2 was on the way to the drunk tank for the night... cops insisted on it.

He said that she was going to blame him for calling them but he wasn't the one who did. I said sorry to hear that he wasn't getting along with her. He said he would have to leave as he wasn't going to see her and her kids on the street and it was him she had a problem with.

He said SIL1 probably would kick him out soon and that he'd have to live at the men's shelter in my city. I said that it would be hard to make long distance calls from there. (yes I know I shouldn't have temp checked the relationship with OW, but I couldn't resist).

He then asked me if I really thought he'd move so far away from his kids.. I said no, I never thought he would (my gut told me to reply honestly). He said you know me better than I thought you did. I asked him, does that mean you aren't moving to the US? He said no, he wasn't. I said it was pretty hard to stay together and have a relationship when you live in different countries. He said him and OW were never really together. I said.. oookkk... what's that supposed to mean? He said let's just say we come from different worlds and they don't mesh... So we were never really together... I said, so not soulmates then huh? And I told him I wasn't being sarcastic but just asking... He said no, not soulmates.

(2x4 worthy conversation possibly follows)

I took a chance and said to him that I understood a lot more than he maybe thought I did. I told him that when I saw a man go from 12 years of being 100% family oriented and suddenly change within 2 years, I looked for the reason. I told him that if I was off base he could tell me, but that I thought he was correct when he said it had nothing to do with me, but was about him. I told him that I thought he might be going through a mid life crisis and that 80% of them have affairs. That a lot of them do so to avoid the demons in their head, and that from what I've read, I would rather be where I was than be him with the constant thoughts and emotions. So he said (and not sarcastically) I'm a part of a statistic then? I said that he was something that early on in our marriage I forgot about. That I put him on a pedestal and forgot he was a man and human first.

I told him that I was always here for him if he wanted to talk and that I was under no illusions about us getting back together or anything if we did. That I always was here, but I wouldn't accept being yelled at or threatened. I said I was taking things day by day and was about 95% to where I was before we met. He said he was glad to hear that. I said that I had found my spiritual side again and felt peaceful. That in a way I was glad this came about because I had re-discovered myself along the way. I reminded him of conversations we had when we first met about everything happening for a reason and when they were supposed to. I said that I didn't worry about the future any more, just enjoyed each day and experienced. I told him about D3 and I headbanging to music on the way home from picking her up from daycare and how I loved the little moments like that.

SIL1 came into the room and wanted to talk to him (I heard her in the background), so he said he had to get off the phone.

I said I hope things went okay with her. He said thank you for talking with me. I said take care of yourself, and hung up.

I'm afraid to believe he hit bottom and reached out to me.. I think this may have been more of a touch & go.. He sounded soooo depressed and beaten.

My expectations are zero about the OW breakup and his seeming so down and beaten. He could be back with her and insisting he's moving to the US tomorrow.. I know that..

It was just really weird to hear the old him in his voice.. but so unhappy...

[MrBond]

I don't think there was anything wrong with saying you were there for him.

One thing I learned about MLC is that those in it have their self-esteem issues magnified 10-fold. So while you can say you will be there for him, you are not trying to fix him.

The goal is to "direct" his thinking. Not tell him directly but guide him back.

[DiamondGirl]

I'm restraining myself from calling SIL to find out more than what I already heard from H... That would be my usual.. find out all I can.. so this is kind of a 180 for me..

Back to being detached, GAL and business as usual and leaving every move up to H

detach.. don't pursue..
detach.. don't pursue..

LOL

[DiamondGirl]

Thank you Mr. Bond,

It was so unexpected, hearing from him that late, I wasn't prepared on what to say or how to act...

I think it's another lesson I need to learn.. how to guide without being controlling or overbearing...

I wish there was a book on it or something.. I'm such a bookworm.. LOL

[flowmom]

DG, it sounds like you did some really good active listening and validating in that conversation! And it sounds like you might have said some helpful things at a point when he might have been able to hear it. But now you must never mention MLC again...otherwise he will probably react to you labelling his life experience. You were a bit pursuey and that's not always a bad thing, but now make sure you pull back. Don't call any of his friends or family members because you know he'll probably hear about it. Your H hitting bottom and having his fantasy bubble popped is a good thing. But you might have a long road ahead before he comes out of the tunnel so remember it's a marathon not a sprint.

[DiamondGirl]

Yup yup... I totally agree.. And I don't plan on mentioning MLC again with him.. I took a chance because he really did seem to be present and listening.. Haven't heard anything further from his neck of the woods and probably won't either..

I'm not contacting him or his family.. I'm back to working on me and acting as if.. Even if he wanted to come home tomorrow, I'm not ready for him to.. He has to be fully cooked and done before I'd feel comfortable.. and I've still got a lot of me-work to do first...

It's a step possibly.. or he can scoot back and find another OW.. we'll see... I hope not.. I hope he can move to the next stage of MLC (if he has indeed hit bottom).. but I'm not expecting anything from him or for our R...