still separated, in limbo, still hopeful

[newmama]

OK I did it...my voice was shaking! He was feeding S before leaving and I started doing dishes. I started off by saying
"you know the other day when I was crying I didn't tell you all the truth about why and it's been bugging me." I look up and he has fully turned to look at me and give me his complete attention.

"So first of all, just our family situation is sad. It just is. But this last week has been so emotional..I didn't want to say anything to you at the time but it really hit me that there was a possibility you could permanently not be here! I just never thought of that before! That you wouldn't be here for S or see him grow up but I know you must have been thinking that.

And then when you mention me going back to work and how we will have to take turns seeing S it's just hard. You know I don't want that anyway...but I mean we each will only get to know half of his life. So I just try not to think that far ahead and just appreciate each week. Anyway, so those are the reasons why I was crying."

Silence. Then "Yeah I know there are still things we need to talk about and figure out and it's hard......pause. But I want youto know that if anything were to happen to me, I have life insurance and left to you and S to take care of the house and put some aside for his college or whatever." So I said "ok let's not talk too much more about this! It's too morbid! BUt thanks!" and then lightened the mood a little, changed the subject (SMOOTHLY I MIGHT ADD, thank you very much!) and there was actually a pleasant feeling in the air (not tension)by the time he took S.

I feel a sense of relief. If I never cried like that then I wouldn't be bringing this up but I also wouldn't have been going NC...so this is SOMETHING. I think I said some things he has been thinking. And let him know I care. I can move on if forced to(he is observing that) but I still don't want to.

HEY I DID NOT LET FEAR CONTROL MY DECISION!