WAH in MLC with PA

[DiamondGirl]

Thank you Cyrena.

I started on this path years ago before I met H. I had learned to set boundaries a little with my family, realized that I was worth being treated well and not abusively, and to open myself to trusting someone. Then I met H. The IC at the time said I was "done" with IC and so I didn't realize I actually wasn't until all this happened. I guess I still remember how to trace back to the origin of certain behaviours/patterns to get to the root. I'm nowhere near "done" and probably never will be... but I will be "better"!

As for OW, I'd have thought that a psychologist would have been able to do her own "soul work".. but again I'm making assumptions though I have never met her in person.

I kind of get the feeling that maybe H needs her to be in his life right now because he is so fragile emotionally and if she wasn't he might do something suicidal.. But that might just be rationalization on my part... It still doesn't make the thought any easier, though I've been better the last few days at keeping the thoughts at bay.. at least for a while...

[Mila]

Hi Diamondgirl

I'm very impressed how much you have learned about yourself - that's the "positive" you have to look at. Don't over-analyze WH & OW relationship. I know, I have the tendency to do the same thing. Keep improving YOU - HE will see your changes and that's your best weapon in these circumstances

OW are never less damaged--they're just damaged in different ways. For one thing, no emotionally healthy woman would get involved with a married man. For another, depressed men do not seek out partners who are in a better space than they are: they are attracted to the same negative energies in the OW that they feel in themselves.

I very much agree with this. And don't forget that he will BRING HIS OWN ISSUES into that relationship. They may not have the same problems you had in your marriage but his MLC doesn't just disappear OW is just a band-aid, he will have to go through the rest of the MLC stages eventually.

[Cyrena]

You're right--working on ourselves is definitely a lifetime project! I can relate to most of those family-of-origin issues you describe, since my own upbringing left me with them as well. And, in retrospect, I'm glad that it took a crisis--even if it had to be my H's MLC--to force me to move past childhood defence mechanisms that were now doing me more harm than good.

When I went to university, I noted that a surprising number of students who were interested in psychology were actually rather messed-up themselves--no doubt they were attracted to a discipline where they could learn new ways of behaving. From what I've heard from friends who've attended various sorts of counselling, and from wives/colleagues of psychiatrists, is that a number of them have NOT dealt sufficiently with their issues. Many of them are family-of-origin caretakers, who find it easier to dissect issues in others than to do their own work. (I'm NOT saying this is true of all.)

Perhaps you could try to think that it's positive your H has someone in his life with the skills to prevent his suicidal feelings ... and then try to let it go at that? When I was working on detachment, I read that it helps to consign your spouse to God's care. From long-ago Catholic teachings I called up the image of Mary (though Mother Earth would do as well if you're not religious) and imagined putting my H into her hands, which were wrapped lovingly around him. When I was tempted to obsess, I'd remind myself that I'd put him in a nurturing, safe place, so I should just concentrate on looking after myself. Somehow, it helped tremendously.

[flowmom]

I also see the work that you are doing on your thinking. Good for you

Also, about "chop wood carry water":

http://www.interluderetreat.com/meditate/chop.htm

[C-Bart]

Thanks Flowmom for the inspirational link. I'm dancing on my keyboard now :-)

[DiamondGirl]

Saw H tonight when he picked up the kids.

I haven't actually seen him in person in almost a month now (I'd been protecting myself by not being there to spew on). Tonight was a test to see if I could stand to see him without breaking down afterwards... I still broke down.. but only for about 5 minutes so that's a big improvement in my books...

He's grown a goatee.. but it makes him look like an old guy trying to be young. It's completely white/gray with mottled black in it.. His hair is really unruly and black with lots of gray.. He's looking pretty rough right now... And the anger towards me is still very obvious in his face and mannerisms..

So I guess that puts him in Replay mixed with Anger.. or does the anger stay throughout Replay? Not that it matters much since either way he's a long way off from bottom!

[DiamondGirl]

Thanks Mila!

I guess part of my fear with OW is that because she is a psychologist H's issues won't phase her. She would theoretically know how to deal with them... and will delay him hitting bottom anytime soon...

But I can already hear the whistle of the incoming 2x4.. I'm spending too much time thinking about OW and H's fantasyland R....LOL

[Mila]

Thanks Mila!
But I can already hear the whistle of the incoming 2x4.. I'm spending too much time thinking about OW and H's fantasyland R....LOL

I sure can't blame you, or hit you with a 2x4, I would have to hit myself as well. I's hard not to think of THEM. We will get better at detaching as time goes on...I hope

And BTW, why do you think that the other woman knows that she is with a MLC man. She only knows what he tells her about himself and I bet that's all positive. (I didn't read every page in your tread so correct me if I missed some reference of the OW knowing about his MLC).

[DiamondGirl]

Hi Cyrena,

What complicates things for me is that my mom (who was a major influence in many of my resulting issues throughout my life) now lives with me and so I am trying to work with her to help her understand how her issues are impacting my children too. She is very controlling and also needy with zero boundary knowledge. She relies on others for her feelings of self worth and esteem and can't stand being alone or being silent with herself. But I'm no longer angry with her about it (I was as a teen) as I see now, as an adult, that she was raised the exact same way as I was with possible abuse in her history as well (though she says she doesn't remember anything).

I'm sort of trying to stand firm and break the cycle so my kids won't have the same issues that have been passed on for way too many generations in my book!

My house is filled with animals as I wasn't allowed a dog until I was 16 years old (a zoo of love I call it). There was no way my dad would put up with animals to feed. It would have been impractical to waste money on animals whose only use was for companionship.

I'm trying to help my mom be aware of her strident tones and yelling and the affect it has on all of us in the house. I grew up with yelling and there was no such thing as simple conversations. It took me until recently to understand that what I thought was simply debating an issue, other people see as arguing. It was normal in my house growing up to hear sarcasm and negativity on almost everything. Gentle reassurance and compliments were pretty much non-existent. If I got an A, my mom would ask me what happened to the A+. Yet my brother could get Cs and she'd consider it acceptable.

Men were considered more important than women in my household and I wasn't too popular when I started standing up for myself as a teen. We females were supposed to do all the work around the house, be smarter than the men, make sure everything ran smoothly, but let the men get away with everything and anything.

I'm learning to be gentle with myself now, and to give myself a break. I had an internal critical voice in my head for a very long time and always pushed myself to try to work things out the way I thought they should be, instead of simply being and going with what happened day to day.

My mom is a constant worrier and tries to take care of every possible negative outcome before it even becomes an issue. I've gotten really good at not letting her negativity affect my moods as well lately, but it isn't easy when I'm already having a rough day.

I'm trying to train my brain to not concentrate on what might happen in the future and instead to deal with things as they come. I think I'm getting better at it.

Sorry for the long post.. but I guess I'm thinking while I type...

[DiamondGirl]

Mila, you are absolutely right.

I never realized until all this went down that H was a lot more vulnerable and fragile emotionally than he portrayed. It's like he had a mask on that hid everything even from me despite all the years together. I used to be very impressed at how comfortable and adaptable he was. He could go in a room, totally dressed inappropriately, and yet fit in within minutes. He seemed comfortable with both CEOs of large companies and also with minimum wage earners.

So basically, he's started all over with OW, showing her only the sides he wants her to see. I'm a threat to that in a way, because I know him better than anyone else, even his sisters.

She probably doesn't know he's in MLC because of the short times they spend together. He can put on his mask and play the role he's perfected over the years.

But he's done it for years.. so I'm not sure if that mask will crack with OW.

I guess without me to spew on maybe some of it may show... but again, who knows....