I wanted to add that the therapist told me that her approach would be to confront my W and say to her "if your going to stay start making it work, if not start the moving on process, enough of games" her theory is the more positive change I make the more resentment my wife will have because it will force her to change as well and right now she is comfortable with being angry with me. The more "180s" I make the more my W will think "He was not like this before and now he want to change" therefor causing more resent toward me....I don't like her approach to say the least.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
Allen's idea of getting phone counseling from the Divorce Busting coaches sounds good to me. You could start with individual counseling and then see about moving it into joint counseling. In the meantime they will help with ideas on how to rebuild the friendship with your wife.
I noticed in the reconciliation with my husband, that we were really improving when I started laughing at his jokes. When I was angry at him, I just gave him a ha-ha when he made one of his jokes. But when we were getting on better, I realized I was laughing with him for the first time in a long time.
Allen's idea of getting phone counseling from the Divorce Busting coaches sounds good to me. You could start with individual counseling and then see about moving it into joint counseling. In the meantime they will help with ideas on how to rebuild the friendship with your wife.
Some tips I got from a coach:
* Give her her space. Take this time to work on yourself.
* Show her through your actions that you are taking this rift in your marriage seriously. Counseling, reading books, etc.
* When things are a little better between you and your wife, you might occasionally ask her if she wants to go do something with you during your GALing. If she doesn't, then go anyway. You are being interesting without being secretive, and you aren't shutting her out of your life.
* Also, show some interest when she mentions things she wants to do or see. If she doesn't invite you, no big deal; you have other plans.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
I wanted to add that the therapist told me that her approach would be to confront my W and say to her "if your going to stay start making it work, if not start the moving on process, enough of games" her theory is the more positive change I make the more resentment my wife will have because it will force her to change as well and right now she is comfortable with being angry with me. The more "180s" I make the more my W will think "He was not like this before and now he want to change" therefor causing more resent toward me....I don't like her approach to say the least.
Oh, sure. Always better to be a COMPLETE JACKASS, and of no redeeming social value. That way they won't feel pressured by any actual, you know, HUMAN CIVIL BEHAVIOR.
I wanted to add that the therapist told me that her approach would be to confront my W and say to her "if your going to stay start making it work, if not start the moving on process, enough of games" her theory is the more positive change I make the more resentment my wife will have because it will force her to change as well and right now she is comfortable with being angry with me. The more "180s" I make the more my W will think "He was not like this before and now he want to change" therefor causing more resent toward me....
In all seriousness, although I've never heard the highlighted part expressed before, and I do think your therapist is FOS with her advice to you. But a betrayed spouse DOES need to address their spouse's "Why are you only changing NOW, now that I've (decided to leave you/had an affair/filed for divorce/whatever)." And they need to answer it in a serious way.
The best response is a sincere "I agree, there are things I wish I would have changed before. When I ________ , I know that hurt you, and I've apologized to you already for that. All I can do is try to become a better person, and do the right thing, regardless of what happens between us, and I've decided to do that."
Yeah my W did ask that question when this all began but not having the knowledge then as I do now I failed to give a convincing, non-typical answer.
Last nigh and today my W and I have engaged in non-R conversation. I showed interest in everything she had to say and laughed at her jokes and in return she laughed at mine. Today we sat down and watched some TV and again exchanged convo about events on TV along with laughs.
My wife has asked me to do a few things for her and asked my opinion on decisions she had to make about non-R issues.
My W expressed interest in going to a concert (her and I).
I am currently re-reading DR.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
